New Years Resolutions

So, here we are at that time of the year where everyone will begin to make their resolutions for the upcoming New Year. Typically, people will resolve to lose weight, get a better job, start exercising, etc. All of these things would certainly be nice, but I have a few non-traditional resolutions for 2010.

In no particular order, my resolutions are:

• To stop cursing so much. But it’s going to have to wait until football season is over.

• To stop putting things off for the day. Instead I will put them off indefinitely.

• To stop confusing Joan Rivers with the Joker from Batman.

• To start taking my camera with me to Wal-Mart. I have missed way too many Kodak moments over the past year!

• To buy bigger clothes. That diet thing isn’t working too well.

• To stop being so verbally abusive to telemarketers. I will try my best to simply hang up on them.

• To stop trying to understand why the fattest girls wear the “clingiest” clothes.

• To learn Spanish so I’ll be able to get through the line faster at the DMV.

• To stop being so hard on stupid people.

• To stay out of Home Depot. It almost always translates into extra work for me.

• To learn how I can qualify for some of that “government cheese”. Working every day and paying taxes doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.

• To buy a new bathroom scale. The current one seems to be off by 30-40 pounds.

• To drink more beer. Since I cut back on my drinking a couple of months ago, I’ve gained ten pounds. I guess there’s some kind of weight loss characteristic in alcohol?

• To be more open-minded. Yes, I’m always right, but I should at least humor people that aren’t as smart as me.

• To buy a snow blower. Working the old traditional shovel makes me feel so Amish.

• To buy more lottery tickets. Happiness is becoming an instant millionaire.

• To stay off of the dance floor when I’m drinking. It’s only a matter of time before someone gets hurt.

• To cut back on Red Bull and sleeping pills. I’m starting to feel like Elvis.

• To stay away from spicy foods. As I get older, Old Bay seasoning gives a new meaning to fire in the hole!


I know it’s a tall list and I might not be able to accomplish everything. But a man must have goals!

I look forward to sharing more stories, rants and adventures in the upcoming year. Wishing all of you a safe and Happy New Year.

KW

A Tale of Two Kitties

Close to a year ago, Tina asked me if she could bring home two kittens. Knowing that her question was just a formality and I really didn’t have a say in the matter, I said “Sure, why not?”

So, enter the two new additions to our household. I’ll have to admit, they were actually very cute. They would wrestle each other and play with their assortment of toys before eventually falling asleep on top of one another. I was thinking that this might not be so bad after all.

These two kittens were from the same litter. One was black and the other was gray. We toyed around with names for them before finally settling on Lewis for the black one and Lester for the gray one. These are the middle names of Tina’s dad and my dad.

From the beginning, we could tell that Lewis was going to be a handful. He was the one that would always be in places where he shouldn’t be. Lester would just quietly watch him as if to say, “My brother is such a jackass!”

So, now that they’re close to being full grown, it’s not surprising that Lewis's escapades have escalated. For instance, like clockwork, he’ll wait until the middle of the night, and then start kicking a random object throughout the house. And he insists on only doing it on hard surfaces, to ensure that he produces the most volume. I’ll toss and turn with the hopes that Tina will eventually get up and take care it. But it never works out that way. Eventually, I’ll throw off the covers and head down the dark hallway in search of the little furry bastard. And it never fails; I’ll either knock something over or stub my toe. And to add fuel to the fire, Tina will yell, “Do you have to make so much noise?”

Then, I’ll fire back, “Hey it was your idea to bring these cats home! Why am I the one who’s up every night hunting for the phantom noise maker? This isn’t right!” Before I even finish my statement, Tina is already back asleep!

I have found Lewis with everything from razors to wedding rings. If it’s hard and has the potential to make noise, he’ll attempt to bounce it across the floor at 3 am!

Sometimes, while I’m walking across the room, Lewis will pounce on my leg like it’s a tree. Then, he’ll just hang from my jeans and look up at me. I’ll glance over to the laid-back Lester, and he’ll just look at me as if to say, “I dunno, I think our mother dropped him on his head when he was born.”

If I’m walking down the steps of our split-foyer house, Lewis will race to the upper landing in an attempt swat at me as I pass him on my way down the lower landing. I’ve now gotten into a habit of holding my hands over my head as I go down the steps. It’s ok at home, but I get funny looks when I’m in office buildings.

And this morning, I was abruptly awoken when Lewis jumped from our bedroom window sill onto my stomach. It was like getting sucker punched. As I headed out of the bedroom, Tina, just waking up, asked, "Why are you all doubled over?" At this point, I'm too fired up to even respond!

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this crazy cat. I’ve tried everything from loading his food dish with Tylenol PM’s to tossing him into the clothes dryer for a few spins. But nothing seems to work! (Before the ASPCA sends out the goon squad, I’m kidding!)

I must mention the time when I accidently locked Lewis in one of my dresser drawers. He spent several hours reading the labels of my Levi jeans before Tina eventually found him and set him free. She swears that I did it on purpose. But, as tempting as it might have seemed to me, it was truly an accident. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I’m hoping Lewis will eventually settle down and maybe take on some of the easy going characteristics of Lester. But until then, I guess we’ll continue our nightly adventures…..


KW

Dare We Say Christmas?

I am so sick of the political correctness that has infected Christmas in America. It’s like the word “Christmas” is a dirty four-letter word these days. Pay attention to any of the “holiday” advertisements. See how many actually mention the word Christmas. I promise it won’t be many, if any at all!

I don’t understand this. Isn’t Christ the whole reason behind the Christmas celebration? So, why does everyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells when referencing December 25? In case anyone is wondering, the majority of Americans are still Christians. So, frankly, if people are offended by the word Christmas, that’s a problem that they should just have to deal with!

Most retailers are scared to death to mention the word Christmas in fear of offending a potential shopper or two. To those retailers, I’ve got news for you; you’re offending the majority of your potential shoppers when you practice political correctness. When I make a purchase and the cashier wishes me Happy Holidays, I make sure that I respond, “And you have a Merry Christmas as well”. And if I’m in jolly mood, I’ll sing them the chorus to O’ Come O’ Ye Faithful….

O’ come let us adore Him,
O’ come let us adore Him,
O’ come let us adore Him!
Christ The Lord.

If they get offended, they can kiss my Christmas-carolin’ ass.

You gotta love the public schools too. Several years ago, not surprising, they caved into political correctness too. The traditional Christmas break is now called the “winter holiday”. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the customary “Christmas play” can not have any Christmas songs that reference Christ. You know, songs like Away in the Manger, Silent Night, Hark The Herald Angels, etc. Nowadays, the only ones that are permitted are PC-approved songs like Frosty The Sensitive Snowman and Rudolf The Yellow-Bellied Reindeer. In places like California, you might even hear the fun-filled, Grandma Got Run Over By A Prius. Or perhaps you’ll be blessed with the slightly edited Bing Crosby classic, (I'm Dreaming of a) White Non-Denominational Holiday.

And employers are no different. Even though the overwhelming majority of their employees are Christians, most companies will not dare mention the word Christmas. No more company Christmas parties. We are now invited to “Holiday get-togethers”. What are companies afraid of? Can someone possibly sue because they’re offended by the word Christmas? I’m almost afraid to ask that question!

I have to wonder if Christmas will one day be abolished altogether. It seems we’re heading in that direction. Hey, maybe it will be replaced with an all-inclusive, non-discriminating holiday like Kwaanza!

If I had a dime for every time I’ve been offended, I’d have more money than Tiger Woods’ ex-wife! When I’m offended, I deal with it and move on. Ok, maybe I rant a little. But I don’t expect anyone to change on my behalf. People in this country need to loosen up! I find it ironic that those who claim to be the most “tolerant” are the same ones who seem to be the easiest to offend. I guess open-mindedness only works when it fits their agenda?

To anyone that may have been offended by any of this, I sincerely wish you a very Merry Christmas!


KW

Bread, Milk & Toilet Paper

Alright, in case anyone hasn’t noticed, it snowed! All you have to do is look out of your window. But it still doesn’t stop all of the television channels from dedicating 100% of their time to telling us what we already know. Have we not been through this before??

When it snows in Maryland, I’m both amazed and annoyed at the panic that immediately sets in. Here are just a few things that drive me nuts:

• We do the news people keep telling me, “If you don’t have to go out in this mess, stay home?” Even if it was sunny and 75 degrees, I probably wouldn’t go out if I didn’t have to. So, why do I have to be constantly reminded??

• I don’t understand why there is always a run on snow shovels. Did everyone lose their shovels since the last snowfall?

• This morning, I see on a news flash that the Maryland Zoo is closed today. Did we really need to be told this? I don’t know, maybe there’s a militant parent out there that would say, “Come on kids, don’t just see the polar bear. Be the polar bear!”

• Why do all of the neighbors seem so happy about shoveling snow? Some of them will even bring beer out and turn it into a big party. Maybe I should bring out a lawn chair and kick back with my own beer. Then, while pointing at my sidewalk, I’ll yell, “Hey guys, you missed a spot! Let’s get moving!”

• Why do the news reporters feel the need to interview people out in the snow? Are we really going to learn anything? Haven’t we all been out in the white stuff before? Do we really need to be reminded that it’s cold, slippery and wet??

• We are told to not leave our pets outside during the blizzard. If you have to be reminded of this, you shouldn’t own pets.

• The need to stock up on bread, milk and toilet paper. In my forty plus years of life, the snow has never confined me to my house for more than a couple of days. I think I’ll survive without an overstock of these three items. Even if I could justify the bread and the milk, the toilet paper really baffles me. It’s not like the snow makes me grab a magazine and say, “Hey honey, it’s snowing again. I’m going to be in the bathroom for a while!”

I don’t know why we even have to deal with this cold, nasty weather anyway. Didn’t Al Gore win a Nobel Peace Prize and an Academy Award for telling us that we’re in period of global warming? Maybe this snowstorm is just a myth. Hey Al, I just checked, and it's definitely not a foot of lava on my sidewalk. So, how about stopping by later and shoveling off whatever this cold white stuff is!

KW

A Farewell To Nana

We all had our memories of my grandmother or, as most people knew her, Nana. She was a special woman who touched the lives of many people in her 90 years of life. She made us laugh, made us cry and often made us say, “Huh??” But this is precisely why we loved her.

So, although this is a somber occasion, I’d like to celebrate the lighter side of Nana’s life. This is the way that I’d like to remember her……

Nana, no doubt, had a way with words. Some of her expressions we didn’t quite understand. But at the same time, we loved hearing her say them. Here are a few that come to my mind…

As a child, I was a bit overweight. I got teased quite a bit, so it’s not surprising that I was a little self-conscious about it. So, I'd go over to Nana's house to visit. A normal greeting from a grandmother would have been “Hello Kenny, it’s so nice to see you.” Or even, “Geez Kenny, you’re getting sooo big.” But not from my Nana. Instead I got, “Aww, there’s my fatsy-boom-ba-latsy!” Yeah, it sounds cute and innocent. But to a chubby seven year old, it was devastating!

And if Nana would sense that I was upset, she would just smile and say “Gee, Manetti!” Oddly enough, it was comforting to hear her say this. But to this day, I still have no idea who Mr. Manetti is or what Nana’s fascination was with him.

Every now and then, Nana would get fired up about something. You might see her pointing her finger or maybe flailing her arms.  But when she threw in an emphatic “Go, da!”, you knew you pushed her to the limit. This was another mystery, because she would never really tell us where she wanted us to go. But we had an idea…..

Some grandmothers take up knitting. Others might dabble in the garden. My grandmother was a beer drinker. And she wasn’t any ordinary beer drinker. You see, she only liked her beer in a sixteen ounce can. The reason she told us, was that the traditional twelve ounce cans were just a tease. One sip and it’s all gone. I had a dream one time where Nana was knocking back beers with a motorcycle gang. In this dream, the bikers were saying, “Slow down Nana, save some for the rest of us!”

Nana was a little intimidated by modern technology. She never had cable TV, VCR or even an answering machine. And I don’t think she ever owned anything digital. To this day, she still has one of the old rotary dial phones. When we offered to get her modern push-button phone years ago, she refused by saying, “Gee Manetti, all those buttons are too confusing. ”

On a serious note…..

Nana was one of the most caring people that I ever met. She had a strong belief in God and prayed for everyone. When Ken Jr. was deployed in Iraq last year, Nana used to pull me aside and say, "Ken, have you heard from little Kenny lately? You know, I pray for that boy everyday." And there was no doubt that she did. And even though she had her own health issues over the years, she always worried more about other people than about herself.

When her health really started to decline a couple of years ago, Nana went to live with my sister, Karen. And although this would surely come with added stress and responsibility, Karen wouldn’t have it any other way. As trying as it was, she watched after our grandmother until her final day. Karen has a heart of gold and her big brother is very proud of her.

And it would have been really easy for Tim (my brother-in-law) to get frustrated with the disruption to the normal routine. But he never did. Instead, he supported Karen one hundred percent. Tim, you're a good man and I'm glad you're a part of my family.

During all of this, Kelly (also known as “my other sister”) went way beyond the call of duty, especially during Nana’s final days. I can’t say enough good things about you, Kelly. You are a true friend.

And Kathy, this goes for you too. Even though your plate was full with your own things, you were always there when Karen needed a hand.. Our family can't thank you enough.

Over the past week, many people passed through Karen and Tim’s house to say their final goodbyes to our grandmother. And although it was chaotic at times, it was touching to see all the people that cared about her. Nana will truly be missed.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what kind of car you drive, how big of a house you live in or how much money you have in the bank. If you don’t have family and friends, you’ll die poor.

Yesterday afternoon, Nana danced through the gates of heaven a very rich lady…..


KW

Christmas - A Lost Tradition

When I was younger, I really looked forward to this time of year. Christmas decorations were everywhere and there was a feeling of festivity in the air. And generally, people just seemed to be in a better mood between Thanksgiving and the New Year.

Although this is still somewhat true, it has diminished considerably over the years. Instead of people feeling festive and euphoric, many feel nothing but stress. There are various reasons but there a few that stand out to me.

For one, the pressure to go out and spend, spend, spend has gotten out of control. I’m not sure when the primary goal of Christmas became gift exchanging. But that’s pretty much what it’s all about anymore. Just look at the overload of advertisements from the retailers during the Christmas season. Lexus even has one now….”Give that special person a gift that they’ll remember forever”. Are you kidding me? Who can afford to give a $60,000 car as Christmas gift?

And to make your kids happy on Christmas morning, you pretty much have to take a second mortgage out on your house. Video games, I-Pods, digital cameras, cell phones, etc. These things aren’t cheap. And it’s not like the kids will be satisfied with one of these gadgets. They want them all! And not only do they want them, they expect them.

To compound this problem, this is the time of the year where companies traditionally try to trim their expenses. Of course, this usually involves job cuts. For the past fifteen years, instead of feeling festive, I feel mostly anxiety. Never knowing if the company will send any or all of us a special “cost-cutting Christmas gift” is the primary reason for this.

I am not a politically correct person. So, it really ticks me off when I hear businesses and organizations refer to Christmas as "the holidays". The "Christ" in Christmas is there for a reason. What idiot decided that the word "Christmas" might be considered offensive? Frankly, I couldn't care less if someone finds it offensive. Deal with it. (I could go on and on about this, but I want to stay on my main point).

With all of this being said, here’s my biggest problem with Christmas today. Simply, it has lost its meaning. For those who might not know, the primary purpose of Christmas is to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ. Although December 25 is not necessarily the day Christ was born, nonetheless, it’s the day most Christians celebrate it.

Unfortunately, the birth of Christ has been overshadowed by the arrival of a fat guy in a red and white suit named Santa Claus. Ask any kid to expalin the meaning of Christmas. Most will tell you that it means that Santa Claus is bringing them boatloads of toys. And that’s pretty much it.

I’m not an overly religious person. But I just find Christmas in America to be so hypocritical anymore. Jesus is the reason for the season. So, why isn't He the primary focus? I don’t think that overindulging each other in expensive gifts was part of the original plan.

I’ll end on a positive note. If there is one thing I still like about Christmas, it’s that people tend to treat each other nicer. And I do believe that this was part of the original plan. If we can do it for one day, how about we try to do it everyday?

I hope everyone has a safe and very Merry Christmas……

KW

Section 8 - The Decline of an American Neighborhood

Home ownership is part of the American dream. Most of us go to work everyday in order to achieve this kind of dream. After all, who doesn’t want a place they can proudly call home?

So, we save our money from a young age and eventually accumulate enough to make that down payment on our first piece of Americana. It doesn’t matter if it’s a brand new home or a “fixer-upper”. It’s yours and you’re proud of it. You might make improvements to it over time. Perhaps you’ll build a garden or install a swimming pool. You maintain your property and make it look as nice as possible. After all, your home is a reflection of you.

BUT STOP RIGHT THERE……………………

While you’re taking pride in your own home, Uncle Sam is busy moving Fred Sanford and his trailer full of crap into the house across the street. So here it begins: the decline of the American neighborhood…….

Day One

I watch as the graffiti splattered moving van rolls onto my street. It’s followed by what I’m assuming will be my new neighbors. I’m not really sure of what model car they’re driving. It’s got a primer colored hood, tinted glass and low profile tires with spinner rims. The thought of having to look at this piece of shit every night makes me a bit nauseous.

So they get out of the “car”, and my attention is now drawn to the loud rap music from the car stereo. I can’t understand every word, but the word “f*ck” seems to be pretty prevalent. And, of course, my new neighbors seem to know every word as they dance to the beat in the middle of the street. Even though there are only two of them, they make the noise of a stadium crowd. I close the door and try to pretend this isn’t happening.

Day Three

My new neighbors are now moved in. They’ve had several friends come by and visit them over the past 24 hours. Some even came rolling by at 2:00 in the morning. And everyone seems to feel the need to blow their horn several times to announce their arrival. Of course, I wake up every time this happens.

Day Seven

It’s Saturday, and from the looks of the old grill on the front lawn, I assume my new neighbors are preparing for a cook-out. I cringe at the thought. By noon, the guests start showing up. Their cars block several of my other neighbor’s drive-ways. The party soon swings into to full gear. To say its loud would be an understatement. Thuderous would be a better way of desribing it. Empty beer cans and half eaten plates of food begin to litter the street. The party continues well into the night. The first police cars start showing up around 10 pm. Shortly afterwards, the party finally ends.

Day Fifteen

The house is already starting to show signs of decay. There’s at least one broken window and the grass is about a foot high. The weight bench on the front lawn will definitely make the house easy to find for future cook-out guests.

Day Eighteen

I go out to get my mail and find a half eaten slice of pepperoni pizza in my mailbox. I can’t help but think that my new neighbors had something to do with it.

Day Thirty

My new neighbors have decided that it makes more sense to park their ugly car on the front lawn than on the street. So, in addition to the high weeds and trash, I now have to look at their new lawn ornament everyday.

Day Forty-Five

I get a knock at the front door. I’m shocked to see that it’s my new neighbor. Reluctantly, I open to door to see what this asshole possibly wants from me. He tells me that he’s having another cook-out today and wants to know if he can “hold” my lawn mower. I politely tell him to screw off and then close the door.

A few hours later, it appears that one of the other neighbors lent the asshole a lawn mower. There are huge mounds of grass scattered over his lawn and sidewalk. In fact, you can hardly see the sidewalk. I’m not sure which was worse, this or the twelve inches of weeds!

As the guests begin to roll up, things get louder and louder. One guy pulls up and gets out with a pit bull. The dog immediately bolts and proceeds to take a dump right in the middle of another neighbor’s manicured lawn. The thought of picking it up never enters the dog owner’s mind. He takes a swig of his 40 ounce beer and acts like nothing happened.

The party has barely gotten started and the police begin to arrive. This goes on several times throughout the day. It’s not until a brawl breaks out in the middle of the street that the cops finally shut the party down. I can’t get that song out of my mind, “Bad boys, bad boys, what cha gonna do when they come for you….”

Day Fifty

I awaken to the sound of a fire truck siren and flashing red lights. Apparently, there’s been a fire of some kind at the Section 8 house. I later find out that my new neighbors fell asleep with the crack pipe burning. The master bedroom is pretty much destroyed. The owners will be overjoyed to hear this.

Day Sixty

Things have been fairly quiet. Interestingly enough, no one has come or gone from the house in over a week. I’m beginning to think that my new neighbors might be dead. My luck might finally be changing!

Day Sixty-Five

As I drive past my neighbors’ house today, I’m instantly hit with the “good news/bad news” feeling. The bad news is that the front lawn looks like a tornado just stuck. There is furniture and clothes scattered everywhere. The good news is that I’m officially informed that my Section 8 neighbors are finally gone!

Things are good again……until the government foots the bill for the next bunch of social rejects!

KW

Closing Firehouses

As I watch the morning news this morning, I hear about three Baltimore City fire houses that will close up in about a month. Of course, the residents in these communities are upset because this will surely mean longer response times by emergency personnel. I can certainly understand their concern.

Of course, the closings are a result of money problems in the city government. This shouldn’t be that surprising when you have a Mayor who steals gift cards from the needy.

I have some solutions to cope with the vanishing firehouses. First off, how about we stop shooting each other? Studies have shown that individuals without bullet wounds tend to not need the services of paramedics as much as those with a "cap busted in their ass". Since someone gets shot in "the city that bleeds" every day, we could avoid over three hundred 911 calls per year just by cutting out the shootings.

Let’s cut out the drug abuse. This will eliminate most of those pesky overdose calls. And on the same note, there are plenty of fires started every year by idiots passing out with the crack pipe burning. Put the pipe down and save an emergency call.

And to the street walking ladies of Baltimore, let’s stop selling your bodies for a drug fix. Not only is it degrading, it's extremely unhealthy. Your need for a paramedic will decrease dramatically if you don’t get in cars with strange men. Didn’t your parents teach you this when you were a kid??

Stop hanging out aimlessly on the street corner and get a job. The need for a paramedic is far less likely while you’re being productive in the workplace than while you acting like a twelve year old on the street.

Stop speeding through city traffic on dirt bikes. Not only are the police tired of chasing you, the paramedics are tired of scraping your ass off of the pavement.

And lay off of the lake trout. I have no idea what lake trout is, but I’m thinking that it can’t be good. So, leave it alone and possibly save yourself a trip to the hospital.


KW

Another Wal-Mart Adventure

I've voiced my fascination with Wal-Mart in the past. But it’s now reached another level for me. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m actually terrified of the place. This became evident to me yesterday…..

I dropped by the local Wal-Mart yesterday to pick up a few things. This, in itself, wasn’t an easy decision. I went back in forth in mind whether I should be just pay an extra few bucks and go to Target. But the cheap-skate in me finally won out. And into Wal-Mart I went.

I don’t really have a good explanation of what happened next. All I know is I walked through the door, took a quick glance at the surrounding shoppers, then I experienced some type of panic attack. Almost immediately, I felt as if I was just dropped into the set of The Night of the Living Dead (except many of these “zombies” had mullets). I try not to prejudge people, but this is truly the way I saw it.

It didn’t take long for me to break out in a nervous sweat and I had an instant urge to run out of there. I looked towards the exit door, but it was blocked by a crowd of shoppers and an cranky Wal-Mart employee who was checking receipts. They would probably catch me if I made a run for it. I’m not sure if they would eat me, beat me or simply release me. But I wasn’t taking any chances.

So, I had to improvise……..

Keep in mind, I was really confused and disoriented. My only thoughts were, “I’ve got to try to fit in with these people and I’ve got to make them think that I’m one of them!”

So, not having long enough hair to imitate a mullet, I simply ruffled it to give myself that “just woke up” look. To accent this look, I dropped my lower jaw and left my mouth open. I drooled a little too. To add a little flair, I started to drag my right leg behind me. At this point, I really started to believe in myself.

Now, keep in mind, if I put on this kind of charade anywhere else, I would probably be committed. But here, no one even batted an eye. My new look must have been totally convincing.

So, I circle around and hobble towards the exit door. During my initial escape attempt, I knock over one of those “Roll Back the Prices” signs with the big yellow smiley face. This obviously draws unwanted attention to me. From the looks of some of the shoppers, you would have thought I just kicked a puppy. I can’t help but think that the big Wal-Mart smiley face is some kind of religious symbol to them. As if I wasn't already upset enough, now I'm thinking that I might have committed some kind of sin!

In an attempt to "apologize", I rock back and forth and smack myself in the head several times. Amazingly, this works! And the shoppers immediately go back into their trance.

After what seems like an eternity, I approach the exit. I have to wait for a distraction before I attempt the final escape. As luck would have it, one of the cashiers forgot to remove the anti-theft tag off of some dude's WrestleMania DVD. As the guy goes through the exit door, alarms and lights start going off. Thank you, God! I immediately run through the door like an NFL full back busting through the goal line.

After I make it through the door, I keep on running. I don’t even look back. I jump into my car and leave rubber on the parking lot. I barley miss an incoming shopper who's driving towards me on riding lawn mower. Once I finally hit the open road, the emotion hits me like a ton of bricks. I realize that this could have been the end for me.

Is this an isolated event? Or has anything like this ever happened to you?


KW

Let It Snow?

So, after Mr. Meteorologist tells us to expect a few flurries, I’ve been watching it snow for the past four hours. The only good thing is that it doesn’t appear to be accumulating on the sidewalks and streets. (For now!)

(By the way, why do weathermen instantly become rock stars whenever there's a little snow?)

I used to like snow when I was a kid. It would often us get out of school for the day. And that was reason enough to appreciate it. It would also allow us to get our sleds out and hit the hills of Garrett Park. And when we got tired of dragging our sleds up the hill, the snow provided us with an endless supply of ammo to throw at passing cars. (As a kid, this got me in more trouble than I care to mention. A strong word of advice: Don’t ever throw a snowball at a police car!)

But I’m an adult now. And as much as I’d still like to hurl a hard-packed snowball at certain individuals, I don’t do it. So, it doesn’t leave much use for the white stuff anymore. I’ll tell you what it does do. It makes my day much more complicated and raises my blood pressure.

I can't belive that people actually wish for this stuff. What good is it? For instance, here am I minding my own business, then BAM! I’ve got eight inches of velvety, white bullshit to shovel off of my sidewalk! I didn’t ask for this! Why should I have to shovel it?

But I know the drill by now. So, I grab my shovel and head out the front door cursing. And inevitably, while I’m breaking my back trying to get rid of this stuff, someone will stop and ask me, “So, do you think we’ll get any more tonight?” Do I look like Norm freggin’ Lewis? How the hell do I know??

After the shoveling is done, I’m usually in a less than good mood. Besides having an aching back, I know I’m going to have to eventually drive in this mess. In this case, it’s not the snow that bothers me as much as my fellow Maryland drivers. I will never understand this. People in this area are certainly no strangers to snow. But as soon as the first flurries begin to fall, everyone (except for me, of course!) suddenly turns into Mr. Magoo! If I had a large truck with a plow, there would be a lot of cars stuck in the roadside ditches. I would simply push them out of my way. You see, I have places to be.

And I hate when the snow appears in the middle of the night. This is usually when I’ll get called in extra early for work. Then I have to deal with an inch of ice on my windshield. Sometimes, I’ll just stand there looking at it, as if it’s just going to magically disappear. After a few minutes, I’ll shake my head and mumble, “I can’t believe this bullshit" as I head back into the house to find my ice scraper.

And don’t even get me started on the massive runs on the grocery stores when snow is in the forecast. I’m totally convinced that the weathermen and the grocery chains are in cahoots. When sales are down, just forecast snow! Problem solved!

Hey, you might think that I’m being a bit ridiculous. But until someone volunteers to shovel my walk, scrape the ice off of my windshield and chauffer me around, I’m going to continue to complain!


KW

The New American Business Model

To say that the workplace in America has changed would be a tragic understatement. The good old days of companies’ adequately staffing their departments are a thing of the past. Nowadays, the business model is to reduce the workforce and do more with less.

And to make matters worse, this is all happening while the unemployment rate is over 10%. So, while there is an obvious business need for most companies to hire, they refuse to do so. In fact, many companies will look at ways to lay more people off!

A little of over twenty years ago, I decided to hang up my tool belt and go into the field of Information Technology. So, I enrolled in a local technology school, graduated and started in what I thought would be a secure career. After all, computers were the future. There would always be jobs in this field, right? Not quite.

While many construction jobs in this country have been hijacked by illegal immigrants, countless jobs in the technology sector have been outsourced overseas, primarily India. Of course, it’s all done in the name of the almighty dollar. The modern day American business owner has no loyalty to this country. If he can save a few bucks by having a guy named Haji halfway around the world to support his customers, he won’t hesitate to do it.

One of the number one customer complaints, when it comes to customer service, is that they can’t understand the person on the other end of the phone. And how do companies respond to this? They outsource even more jobs to India! In other words, if the customer has a problem with it, they’ll just have to brush up on their foreign language skills.

And the old days of “the customer is always right” is a thing of the past. I’ve seen it all over the place. If that new appliance you just bought doesn’t work, good luck on getting things fixed. In the old days, the retailer would jump through hoops to make things right. Today, you’re lucky if you can even get someone on the phone. And if you’re lucky enough to speak to an actual person, be prepared for a confrontation. It's like the whole country has turned into used car salemen!

Customer service has deteriorated across the board. This is evident even in something as simple as ordering a cheeseburger. Pay attention the next time you order something in a fast food restaurant. The kid behind the counter will usually mumble incoherently while he/she is taking your order. And don’t expect them to smile either. That would be asking way too much! (I have to mention that Chick-Fil-A is the exception in this case. The owner of that company still understands that successful businesses are built on positive customer experiences. For that reason, I'll continue order the number one with a Diet Dr. Pepper).

And what is the end result of all of this?

1. American workers will continue to lose their jobs.
2. Those lucky enough to keep their jobs can expect heavier workloads with no additional pay.
3. Workforce morale will greatly suffer.
4. Quality of manufacturing and service will deteriorate.
5. Customer satisfaction will continue to decline.

I'm not sure when all of this started or what caused us to get to this point. But I'd be willing to bet that greed and corruption played a major part. Sadly, I think we may have sold our future down the river in order to save a few bucks today.

Welcome to the new way of doing business in America……

KW