A Visit With The Dentist

I’m probably not unlike a lot of other people when I say that never look forward to a dentist visit. Even if you’re just going in for a routine check-up, you’d probably rather be somewhere else.

Over the years, I’ve had some rather interesting experiences in the dentist’s chair. Even little things, like the preliminary prep work with the dental hygienist can take a wild turn for me. One particular hygienist comes immediately to mind. She was a nice enough lady, but she didn’t seem to realize that she had Herculean strength. When she turned to me with a piece of dental floss, it was like Dirty Harry coming at me with his 44 Magnum. She would work that little piece of floss between my teeth with such force, I thought she was going to split my skull! As she traumatized my upper teeth, I had to hold onto the sides of the chair to keep from being flung towards the ceiling. I was convinced that this woman had meddled with steroids at some point of her life!

Another time, the hygienist hung that suction tube on the side of my mouth. And then she walked out of the room. Not good. A few seconds later, I made the mistake of completely closing my mouth. The next thing I know, I’m fighting not to swallow my lips! I grab the suction tube and try to pull it out. But now it’s stuck to the inside of my left cheek. While I’m struggling with the plastic leech, I accidently knock a tray of dental tools onto the floor. Not wanting to embarrass myself, I yank on the tube with everything I have. (I knew the hygienist would be back any second to check on the commotion. I wanted to appear to be in control). The tube finally came out and, miraculously, I didn’t have to go to the emergency room. I swear, for a second, I thought my head might cave in!

And why is it that dental people like to talk to you while they’ve got sharp instruments in your mouth? I mean, it’s not really like I can contribute to the conversation. They’ll ask me a cordial question like, “What d’ya think about this weather?” The best response I can ever come up with is “Umm,hmmm,mmm,ahhh,mmmm…”

And in the event that I have some real work done (which is way too often!), the worst part for me is the Novocain. Maybe it’s the needles or maybe it’s the actually numbing of face that freaks me out. But I guess it does beat the pain of a dental drill penetrating a sensitive cavity.

When the drilling finally starts, I usually get a little anxious. Even though my gums are filled with Novacaine, I never know when an excrutiating burst of pain might kick in. When this occasionally happens, I’ll cringe and twist in the chair. And the dentist will always ask something like, “Can you feel that?” I would like to respond, “Nah, I didn’t feel anything. I’m just practicing some new dance moves!” But, of course, I can’t say anything because my face is numb! So, the drilling continues....

I’m always relieved when the visit is over. The only bad news is that I’ll be drooling and mumbling like an idiot for the next few hours until the numbness finally wears off. I certainly can’t go into work in this condition. So, I have to go somewhere where I won't look like a complete fool. This is always a perfect time to head over to Walmart...

KW

Sleepless In Glen Burnie

I’m not sure when or why it started. But a good night’s sleep is something that evades me like a Mega-Millions jackpot. During this time, I’ve become quite the connoisseur of many of popular sleep remedies. I’ve tried everything from Tylenol PM to Lunesta. My personal favorite is a Percocet with a Ny-Quil chaser. Sometimes they work, but more often, they just make me comfortably numb.

So, during the course of the day, I usually feel like I’m in a daze. I always hope to catch a quick nap somewhere, but it hardly ever works out. The only place that I can ever seem to catch a few ZZZZ’s is in my car. But those damned rumble strips always ruin it for me.

On the rare occasion when I actually fall into a deep sleep, something will inevitably disrupt it. If it’s not Tina’s snoring (which she’ll forever deny), it’s her crazy cat pouncing on me in the middle of the night. Just this past weekend, surprisingly, I was sound asleep about 4:00 in the morning. But out of nowhere, I spontaneously jumped up out of bed with a sharp pain in the bottom of my left foot. Of course, Tina wakes up and asks, “What the hell is wrong with you??”

It took me a about a minute to clear my head, and then I yelled, “Something bit me! Damn!”

I didn’t have to look far to see the culprit. There’s one of our cats all sprawled out at the foot of the bed. While I’m hopping around in pain and cursing, the little bastard is acting like nothing happened. This pisses me off even more! And in spite of my obvious pain, Tina immediately comes to the defense of the cat. I had to show her the two puncture marks on the bottom of my foot to prove that I did indeed get bit. Even then, she still says, “Well, you probably had your foot in his face. That's what you get.” (And people wonder why I drink!)

When we had Rocky (our German Shepherd), he would often wake me with his loud bark at all hours of the night. If that wasn’t bad enough, one of our neighbors frequently walked his large dog starting around 6:00 in the morning (even on the weekends). So, like clockwork, every morning Rocky would barrel down the hallway crashing into everything he passed and then he would hurl himself down the steps into the foyer. Then, he would practically tear the door down trying to get out. Before long, I would be yelling "Knock it off!" Then Tina would yell at me for waking her up (Of course, the dog going ballistic on the front door had nothing to do with it). Between the three of us, it sounded like a bad episode of Cops! Rip Van Winkle couldn’t have slept through this commotion!

Oh yeah, another thing.....Tina will often forget to charge her cell phone. When the battery gets low, it will chirp like a cricket. Yep, the battery always decides to go dead around 2:00 in the morning.

Another time, I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out because there was a strange arm nestled under my head. Tina was several feet away from me, so it couldn’t have been her arm. So, like an idiot, I start to push and poke at it but there’s no reaction. As I regained my senses, I realized that it was actually my arm. It had gone numb from my head lying on it. So, I get up and start swinging it like an elephant might swing his trunk. When this doesn’t “wake it up”, I go into a full windmill motion. I looked like Pete Townsend of The Who!

Tina slowly wakes up, rubs her eyes and says, “Are you out of your mind? What are you doing??”

I just tell her, “It’s hot and I’m trying to circulate some air. Now, go back to sleep and don't worry about it.”

I don’t have any luck when it comes to sleep. Some people could sleep through a hurricane. Me? It takes a bottle of sleeping pills and a Woody Allen movie!

KW

Getting Serious In Arizona

My Dad used to tell me, "If you want something done right, sometimes you've gotta do it yourself." Well, yesterday, that's exactly what Arizona Governor Jan Brewer did. She signed a bill that essentially makes it against Arizona state law to be in the country illegally. The local police will now be doing the job that the federal government has failed to do.

So here's where the fun begins......

The usual suspects are already crying about racial profiling and potential civil rights issues. Even President Obama has chimed in about "misguided" and "irresponsible" local governments overstepping their authority. Obama has also instructed the Justice Department to examine the law for is legality. The general feeling from the left is that the law is unfair and possibly unconstitional. Are you kidding me? Just a few weeks ago, after the ramming the Healthcare Bill through, the left seemed to have no issues at all about violating the Constitution.

Arizona is in dire straits with it's illegal immigration problem. They continue to face a growing problem of drug smuggling, gang activity and murder due to it's uncontrolled borders. So, what are they supposed to do?

Let me give you an analogy. Imagine someone breaking into your house. Your only defense is the handgun in your dresser drawer. Now, it's decision time. Do you take your chances and hope the intruder will quietly go away? (Maybe you could offer him some milk and cookies to make him less aggressive). Or do you grab the handgun and threaten to paint the wall with his head unless he waits patiently for the police to arrive? I know what I would do....

This is what Arizona is faced with. Either they sit around and hope illegal immigrants will magically stop pouring over the border. Or they can take matters into thier own hands and try to put a stop to it. I say kudos to Governor Brewer for doing the right thing for her state!

I don't understand support for the illegal immigrants. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the fact that they're here illegally mean  that they're breaking our law? So, where's the problem? Frankly, I'm tired of hearing all of the racial bullshit too. It's getting old. You know damned well that the race hustlers will be scrutinizing every move the Arizona police make. Don't think the police won't be aware of it. Here's a suggestion to avoid any potential confrontations with the police: Obey the laws!

Illegal immigration is out of control in this country. There's an estimated eleven million illegals living among us right now. And that number is expected to soar unless we do something about it. I can understand why both parties have turned a blind eye to the problem. Republicans know that illegal immigrants (or undocumented workers) provide super cheap labor for thier wealthy business partners. And Democrats know that the Hispanic voting bloc is way too large to jeapodize. So, they both drag their feet and try to give the impression that they're doing something about the problem. In reality, nothing is being done and our country continues to be invaded right before our eyes.

At least one Governor has finally gotten serious about dealing with it!

KW

Protect The SEALs

I was relieved yesterday when I heard that the first of three Navy SEALs was cleared of the infamous “beating” of an Iraqi prisoner in 2004. The two remaining SEALs have upcoming trials and I’m optimistic that they will also be cleared.

In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, let me give you the brief version…….

In 2004, a group of American security agents were transporting catering supplies in Fallujah, Iraq. They were subsequently ambushed by an assault of gunfire and grenades at the hands of a group of peaceful Muslims led by humanitarian Ahmed Hashim Abed. In the end, four Americans were dead. If this wasn’t bad enough, the insurgents then burned their bodies and hung them from a bridge over the Euphrates River. The burned corpses remained on display for the world press to record.

Intelligence sources identified Abed as the ringleader of the attack and a team of Navy SEALs went into action. Through thier heroic efforts, they captured Abed in September 2004. While in custody, the terrorist accused the SEALs of roughing him up. Allegedly, they punched him in the stomach and gave him a fat lip. This is when the trouble started for the SEALs…….

So, instead of these three heroes (yes, they ARE heroes!) being praised and commended, they’re now faced with a court martial. What’s wrong with this picture???

A word to the bleeding heart liberals…

Contrary to what you might think, our military happens to be the good guys. And in case you don’t know, those peaceful radical Muslims who hate America and would love to wipe us off the face of the earth? Yep, they would be considered the bad guys! So, when an elite force like the Navy SEALs goes in to take care of business, stay the hell out of their way! And when they bring in a scumbag terrorist like Ahmed Hashim Abed, don’t scrutinize every move that they make. They have a tough job to do and they'll do what's necessary to get it done.

(OK....Did the SEALs rough up the peacful bomber a little? I don’t know. And frankly, I don’t care. I’m just grateful that they caught the bastard! Great job guys!)

For the liberals who are upset about Abed’s fat lip, what did you say about those four burned Americans? Huh, what was that? I still can’t hear you! Yeah, that's what I thought. Let me ask you one question: Whose side are you on?

Liberals (like the Obama administration) are so worried about offending the rest of the world; they’ll willingly sacrifice three of our nation’s finest young men. If I live to be 120 years old, I’ll never understand the mentality of this. If our brave military men and women have to worry about being put on trial after every operation, do you really think they can effectively do their job?

(Hey, maybe we should wine and dine the terrorists (no pork please!) and then give them a full body massage afterwards. Then we could all hold hands and sing around the campfire. Come on everybody ....Kumbaya, my Lord,...Kumbaya! Would that, at least, make you a little happy??)

Liberals enjoy the freedoms that the military secure for us, but then they question the ways in which they provide it. If you libs really want to do something for your country, drive your hybrid to a remote wooded area and go fertilize a tree. Just stay out of the way and let our soldiers do their jobs. Real Americans trust them to do the right thing!

God bless the Navy SEALs and God bless America!

KW

Silent Protests

Has anyone heard about this “Day of Silence” that’s being pushed in public schools around the country? I thought I kept up on things, but I just found out about this last night when my brother-in-law told me that it took place at my niece’s high school this past Friday. In a nutshell, it’s a silent day of protest (organized by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) against the harassment and bullying of gay, bisexual and transgender individuals.

Before I go any further, let me explain something. I don’t believe anyone should be bullied or harassed. People who verbally or physically assault gays should be held accountable and punished accordingly. The same way they should be held accountable for assaulting someone who doesn’t happen to be gay. I’m all for equal rights but not for special treatment.

So, here’s my problem. I don’t think that our public schools should be turned into a stage for political protests. If protests fit the subject matter say, for instance, in a politics class, that’s one thing. But to actually practice politics in the classroom is total nonsense. The classroom is for instruction and not a place to push someone’s agenda. If these protests are allowed to continue, where will it end?

Should we have a day of silence for the overweight kids? I know fat kids get teased and harassed because I was one of them! There was no one being silent for me. In fact, they were loud and clear when they yelled, “Hey, Fat-Ass!!”

I used to also get teased about my ears. Yes, my ears used to be exceptionally big, but I’m relived to say that the rest of my head eventually caught up with them. Anyway, kids would call me Dumbo and ask if I’d flap my ears and fly them around the playground. It was ridiculous!

Back in elementary school, there was a kid who had a head shaped like a light bulb (yes, I’m serious). The poor kid got teased quite a bit. If there was any consolation to all of this, his “light bulb” was rather dim and he didn’t really absorb the bulk of the comments. I really felt bad for him and eventually befriended him. I would tell the other kids to leave him alone and eventually they did. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I ever intimated anyone. I just think the unnatural image of the two of us side by side was too much for the average kid to process. But in the beginning, we did indeed have to deal with our share of teasing.

So back to my original question, where will the protests end? Maybe we should have a day silence for kids with acne. I suppose they get teased to some degree. And maybe we should have a day silence for those gothic kids. They probably get harassed too. What about those chubby girls with muffin top midriffs? For the love of God, I say protest the muffin top! And last but certainly not least, how about we have a day of silence for all of those elephant-eared fat kids and their friends with light bulb shaped heads!

KW

Can I Get My Money Back?

"The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

-  Ronald Reagan

So, April 15 has passed us by and another Tax Day is in the books. I always do my tax returns early, so the actual tax deadline is really nothing more than a symbolic reminder of all my wasted tax dollars.

                           

Hey, I realize that taxes are needed to keep this country running. I guess you could say that they’re a necessary evil. And actually, with middle class Americans paying 25-28% of their income to the federal government; I would say (surprisingly) that it’s somewhat fair. If that’s what it costs me to live in the greatest country in the world, I’m ok with it.

However, what really upsets me is how our dollars are wasted. Think about it. Are you really any better off than you were a year ago? I would say that we’re much worse off now than last year. So, am I crazy for thinking that I should get a refund for a broken product (the government) that I helped to paid for? After all, if the government was a car, it would have barely made it off of the dealer’s lot before the engine seized up. And you could bet I’d be getting a refund for that!

So what do we do about it? Is it really reasonable to expect the government to suddenly start to acting responsible and spending efficiently? I certainly don’t see that happening. Just look at any program that the government runs (Social Security, Medicare, Cash for Clunkers, etc.). They all eventually lose money! And what is the government’s response? They throw even more money at it!

Defying logic, the government continues to reward mediocrity and under-achievement. If a company like General Motors loses money year after year, Uncle Sam will invest billions of dollars to keep GM’s unsuccessful business practices thriving. At the same time, our favorite Uncle will do everything he can to chastise successful businesses. What’s wrong with this picture? Since when did capitalism and a competitive market place become such a bad thing??

The same thing occurs on an individual level as well. The government will reward the woman who has eight illegitimate love babies and then hike my taxes in order to help pay for them. Excuse me if I say, “I think this is bullshit!” I know people make mistakes, but when it becomes a recurring episode of irresponsibility, it tends to piss me off a little!

I don’t expect anything to change. In fact, I expect to pay even more taxes as we go forward. After all, how many times have we heard about a “temporary“ tax  that, in reality, stays around forever? Now, with the looming VAT (Value Added Tax), get ready to shell out even more money. If there was a way to regulate it, we’d probably be taxed on the air that we breathe…..

KW

Waldrobe Malfunction

Every winter I manage to pick up a few pounds. It’s usually not that big of a deal. I always figure I can hit the gym extra hard for a month or two and get back to my normal weight. Well, this year has turned into an extraordinary struggle. I can’t seem to drop any of my winter weight!

As expected, I can’t fit into most of my clothes from last year. So this presents another dilemma: Do I go shopping? Or do I trick myself into believing that I’ll really drop a full waist size by next month? Like most guys, if I’m fortunate to lose a few pounds, I like to hang onto my old wardrobe (just in case I regain any weight). But in my house, Tina will inevitably find these clothes (no matter where I try to hide them) and donate them to a local charity. A few years ago, she gave all of my Dockers away. Realizing that I didn’t have any pants to wear to work, I confronted her about it. She explained that pleated pants were out of style and that I should go out and buy some modern “up-to-date” pants with a flat front.

A flat front? Are you kidding me? I don’t have a flat front, that’s why I buy pleats!

So, here I am, forced to squeeze my expanding ass into a pair of tight, flat-front khakis that offer no extra room in the paunch section. Yes, I might look and feel like a sausage link, but at least I’m in style!

I saw an old friend the other day as I was walking around in my tight pants. He asked, “Have you lost weight?” I told him, “No, I’m just compressed.”

While I was struggling to get dressed the other morning, I ran into yet another problem. Remember the famous line in Jaws where Chief Brody sees the shark for the first time and says, “I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat?” Well, in my case, it’s “I think we’re gonna need a bigger belt!”

Even my shoes are getting tight! How does that happen??

My desparation to drop a few pounds is really starting to show. The other day, a woman from the Red Cross called me. She wanted to know if I would donate blood. The light bulb went off in my head and I instantly asked, “Hey, how much would you say a pint of blood weighs?” The silence on the other end of the phone told me that she thought I was nuts.

Hey I know I should cut back on the late dinners and quit spending so much time with Samuel Adams, but it’s hard. I’m a social person and I have a hard time turning down any invitation. In fact, a good friend just called and invited us over for dinner tonight. Of course, I’m going. But maybe I’ll just have a light dinner and only a couple beers. Yeah, that’s the plan. But let’s see how it works out…..

KW

Senseless Sensitivity

Political correctness rears it’s ugly once head again.  In the name of sensitivity, the Obama administration is looking at “softening” some of the language in the US national security strategy document with regards to Islam. For instance, we can no longer say “Islamic extremism”, “radical Islam” or “jihad”. I guess the thought is: Terrorists have feelings too??

(For added enhancement, queue up Barry Manilow’s “Feelings” and play it softly in the background as you read the rest of this….)

Unless I’m missing something here, it wasn’t a bunch of disgruntled Amish who flew planes into the Twin Towers. And it’s not the Girl Scouts of America strapping bombs on their backs and boarding buses around the world. And it’s certainly not Paul Bunyan who’s cutting the heads off of American journalists and contractors!!

So, who’s doing it then? Dare I say it? Why it’s none other than those darned radical Islamic extremists! And they’re taking part in a jihad near you! If I’m not being sensitive enough to a bunch of tenth-century cave-dwelling terrorists who hate everything about America….. Too bad!!

This might come as a shock, but I couldn’t care less about a terrorist feelings. If we’re so worried about hurting the feelings of the very people who want to blow us up, at what point will it end? Maybe we can expect to see the following changes in criminal terminology before too long:

• Murderers will now be known as spiritual travel agents, expediting your journey to the afterlife. (Murderer or killer just has such a negative tone to it.)
• Thieves will now be referred to as permanent borrowers.
• Maybe we should call trespassers explorers instead.
• Carjackers? Give them a break. Maybe they’re just aspiring valets?
• Let’s call drug dealers unlicensed pharmacists.
• Bank robbers will be known as investment liquidators.
• Kidnappers should be called over-aggressive babysitters.

Ok, maybe I’m being a little facetious. But I don’t think political correctness does any of us any good. At the very least, it undermines our basic freedom of speech. I find it ironic that liberals are always waving the First Amendment flag in our faces, but they’re the same one’s always pressuring us to be more “sensitive”.  Why can’t we just call it the way we see it?

(By the way, isn’t France a sensitive nation? Take a look at their history and let me know how you think it worked out for them!)

Additionally, I think political correctness makes us much more vulnerable regarding national security. After all, “profiling” is a dirty word in our PC society. This is precisely why we’re seeing 80 year old women being manhandled in our airport security lines. Our enemies must be shaking their turban covered heads and laughing hysterically….

(All right, will someone please turn off that damned Barry Manilow song now!!)

KW

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

I’m guessing I was around seven or eight years old when my dad took me to my first Oriole’s game at Memorial Stadium. Even though it was many years ago, I still remember that feeling of walking across 33^rd Street and being swallowed up by the grandeur of the stadium. As I walked up the interior ramps, I remember catching my first glimpse of the playing field. The sight of the perfectly manicured grass nearly took my breath away.

As we made our way to our seats, I saw the players warming up near the dugouts. Up until now, these players only existed on baseball cards and TV. For me, this was like catching a glimpse of Santa Claus coming down the chimney on Christmas Eve. I was in heaven!

When it came to superheros, most kids opted for Batman, Superman or even the Six-Million Dollar Man (remember him?). My superhero was Brooks Robinson – The Human Vacuum Cleaner. When I saw Brooks pop out of the Oriole’s dugout for the first time, it was a bit surreal. There he was, within shouting distance of me, tossing the ball back and forth to a very young Doug Decinces (who would eventually become Brooks’ successor at third base). If I could have had one wish at that moment, it would have been to been for Brooks to turn to me and to say, “Hey Kenny, grab your glove and let’s play some catch.” A boy can dream, can’t he?

As the game began, the starting lineup trotted out onto the field. Boog Powell began to toss ground balls to his fellow infielders: Brooks, Mark Belanger and Bobby Grich. The outfielders were throwing fly balls to one another as well. Don Baylor would toss the baseball effortlessly into the stadium air as Paul Blair impressed the crowd with an over-the-shoulder catch. Blair was like a gazelle in the outfield. Although his tenure was relatively short with the O’s, he’s still one of my all time favorite centerfielders.

I can remember the Oriole’s were playing the Oakland A’s. This was in the mid-seventies when the A’s had superstars like Reggie Jackson, Catfish Hunter, Vida Blue and Joe Rudi. Although not a household name, they also had a shortstop named Bert “Campy” Campaneris. He was a great leadoff hitter and always a threat to steal a base. Even though he was playing for the enemy, I couldn't help but to like him.

One of the things that I vividly remember about the A’s was their uniforms. There were bright yellow and green. It’s a wonder the opposing team didn’t need sunglasses!

As the game went on, I took in every moment. When I saw the first ball leave the park I was in awe. I can’t really remember who hit it, but it really didn’t matter. The ball seemed to leave the stratosphere as it disappeared over the left field wall. I turned around to the kid next to me and said, “Wow! Did you see that??”

After one particular close call that didn’t go the Oriole’s way, Earl Weaver came storming out of the dugout. He went face to face with one of the umpires while the crowd went wild. And even though I didn’t really know what was going on, I laughed and clapped with everyone else. It was like we were all one huge Baltimore family! This was Birdland, baby!

All good things must eventually end, and the ninth inning was finally in the books. The Orioles were victorious and I couldn’t have been happier. On the way out, I remember that I kept looking back at the field. I didn't want to forget what it looked like. I probably drove my dad crazy on the drive home asking him over and over, "When can we come back!?"

Throughout my childhood and into my adult life, I went to many more Oriole’s games at Memorial Stadium and later, Camden Yards. Because of all the great memories, I will always be partial to Memorial Stadium. There was just something magical in the air out there. Especially on that one summer day in 1973.......

KW

Accents & Attitudes

I’ve been in different parts of the country through the years, and although we generally speak the same language, it sure doesn’t sound the same. For instance, I live in the Baltimore area and we have a distinct dialect like no other. Anyone who lives here knows exactly what I’m talking about. A couple of examples: Baltimorons will pronounce the word ocean as oh-shin and the word water as warter. And they’ll frequently condense the syllables. For instance, Baltimore instantly becomes Balmer, Belair becomes Blair and even the two letter “OK” simply becomes “K”. And even the local term of endearment is Hon (short for Honey). The only other place I’ve heard this dialect is in nearby Philadelphia.

When you get up into the New York/New Jersey area, people not only have a unique dialect, they have the attitude to go along with it. For instance, instead of saying, “Excuse me sir, could you please move your car?” a New Yorker might say “Hey ya f*ckin’ moron, how’s about movin’ ya f*ckin’ car before I put a foot up ya ass!!” Tough crowd up there!

And the funniest thing with New Yorkers is that they’re totally oblivious to the way they come off to other people. If you tell them they’re being rude, they’ll just look at you like your nuts and say. “What da f*ck aw ya tawkin’ about?” It’s just the way it is…….

And although people in the southern states tend to be more pleasant, their total lack of urgency can be trying at times. Sometimes, it will take them a day and a half to get a full sentence out! They’ll say something like, “Now, ya’ll come on in an’ make ya’self at home. Where ya’ll say ya’lls from? Can I git ya’ll some pork cracklins or some pop? Junior went up yonda an’ picked us up some Dr. Pepper yesterday”. It takes forever to get these words out! After about five minutes, you feel like violently shaking them and saying, "Holy sh*t! Will you please say what you have to say before I hang myself?!!" It can be torturous for a northerner but it’s actually hard to get mad at them because they’re so damned nice!

People from Louisiana can have such a heavy dialect that it sometimes seems like they’re speaking a foreign language. In fact, I think “Cajun” is sort of a foreign language. Several months ago, I was watching an interview with a Cajun guy from, as he put it, Nawlins.. If it weren’t for the subtitles, I wouldn’t have been able to understand a word he was saying.

A while back, I was in Minnesota. The people up there definitely have some peculiarities. In the middle of a conversation, they’ll spontaneously interject an emphatic “Ya”. And they’ll also use it to confirm what you just told them. For example, after I tell a story to a New Yorker, he might say “Are you f*cking kidding me?” But a Minnesota native will simply scrunch his face up and ask “Ya?”. And they’ll often end a sentence with “Ya know”. For instance, I asked one of the locals why it was so damned cold in Minnesota. He replied, “It’s because of all the lakes, ya know.”

Remember back in the 80’s when the California Valley accent was on the rise? I’m sure everyone remembers the Frank Zappa song, “Valley Girl”. Who can forget those endearing terms like Oh ma God, Fer sure, tooootaly, gag me with a spoon, etc. I can’t really say that I miss hearing them.

And although it’s not indigenous to the US, you gotta love the British accent. You can take the biggest dumbass in the world, give him a British accent and he suddenly sounds like Albert freggin' Einstein!. And British women instantly become much more sexy and sophisticated. Remember Elizabeth Hurley in the movie Bedazzled? Just hearing her voice was an instant turn on. (Ok, maybe the bikini had a little  to do with it too, but still!) And what’s up with Madonna? How does she live in the United States her whole life and suddenly develop a British accent. I’ve seen TV shows where people get bumped on the head and mysteriously begin to speak Portuguese. I wonder if something like this happened to her.

That’s America for you. Depending on where you are, you never know what you're going to get!

KW