The Killing Fields

Stephen Pitcairn had just gotten back to Baltimore on Sunday night after a trip to New York. After leaving Penn Station, Stephan had a short walk back to his apartment in Charles Village. To keep him company on the walk home, he decided to call his mother in Florida. It was a late night in Baltimore and his mother always made him feel a bit safer. They chatted about Stephen’s recent visit with his sisters in New York.

The conversation was abruptly interrupted when Stephen was approached by two thugs. They demanded his wallet. Stephen offered it to them but they assaulted him anyway. Stephen called out for help. During the struggle, one of the thugs stabbed Stephen. A nearby resident finally heard the commotion and came out. The thugs ran off and left Stephen bleeding on the street. While waiting for the medics to arrive, the only thing the resident could do was to try and comfort Stephen during his final moments. At the very least, he wouldn't have to die alone on a deserted city street.

Horrified, still on the other end of the phone in Florida, Stephen’s mom was forced to listen as her son became the latest murder victim in Baltimore.

John and Lavelva Wagner are the low life scumbags who were arrested for this crime. Not surpring, both are no strangers to the criminal justice (or should I say injustice!) system. John has a history of violent crimes. Nothing big, just things like robbery with a deadly weapon, choking his girlfriend unconscious, etc.

Most recently, Wagner was given an eight year (suspended) prison sentence for a 2008 first degree assault. He actually only “served” three years supervised probation for this crime. He was also picked up three times for violation of that probation. In one event, they even had him on video tape robbing a gas station! And still, this waste of human flesh was turned back out to the streets.

Mild by comparison, Lavelva’s criminal history includes multiple drug arrests.

Shortly after the murder, it was reported that these two fine individuals were boasting about robbing and hurting a “white boy”.  Hmmm, do you think that this one will be pursued as a hate crime?

In a city which averages about a murder a day, Baltimore is sometimes called The City That Bleeds. This latest incident certainly helps to support that claim.

On a personal note, over the past several years, my parents have had three murders within several yards of their home. Most recently, a pregnant woman was shot. She survived but her baby died. Yep, you guessed it, they live in Baltimore. And, because killings are so common in the city, they seldom even make the front page news!

So, why do the judges in Baltimore continuously let violent criminals out on the streets to commit these crimes? Do they always have to kill someone before they’re given a lengthy prison sentence? The rap sheets are usually a mile long on the murderers. So, why aren’t these animals behind bars before they kill innocent people?

The judge responsible for letting John Wagner out on the streets (after the multiple probation violations) was John Howard. He will surely have some serious explaining to do. I wonder how he would feel if it was one of his family members who happened to cross paths with John Wagner. Maybe he should explain to the parents of Stephen Pitcairn why he felt that Wagner wasn’t a threat to society.

As a result, a productive member of our society dies in the street while two worthless criminals get to live. Where is the justice in that??

Cops in Baltimore will tell you that they’re frustrated. They arrest the thugs and, before the paperwork is even done, they’re returned to the streets by the court system. Yeah, we hear all of the excuses and false promises by the politicians. But in reality, nothing is being done about it. Is there any doubt why people are fleeing Baltimore City for the suburbs?

It's simply not safe anymore. And too many innocent people are paying the price.

Stephen Pitcairn was researcher for Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. He was involved in breast cancer research and ironically, wound care research. He had dreams of becoming a doctor. He was a productive citizen who was making a difference in the world. His life was senselessly cut short two days before his twenty-fourth birthday by two low-life career criminals.

Stephen’s parents said farewell to their son today. The great things he could have accomplished will forever remain a mystery. My heart goes out to the family. The criminal justice system of Baltimore failed them miserably……..

KW

Hang In There, Arizona

My sympathies today go out to Governor Jan Brewer and all of the (legal) citizens of Arizona. Although the majority of the people actually want to do something about the illegal immigration problem, the liberal wing of the federal government has a much different agenda.

So, hours before the new Arizona immigration law was to go into effect, US District Judge Susan Bolton blocked the most “controversial” parts of the law. So, illegals will now NOT have to carry any immigration papers and they WILL be able to legally hunt for work in public places WITHOUT proper identification.

In addition, police officers will NOT be required to determine the immigration status of anyone arrested or detained. Are you kidding me? Whose side are these people on??

Essentially, what’s happened here is that the Feds have taken all of the teeth out of the recently passed Arizona law. But I guess we shouldn’t be surprised. If the federal government would have been have been enforcing the immigration laws in the first place, Arizona wouldn’t have felt the need to act.

Judge Bolton’s decision was, no doubt, influenced by the Obama administration’s opposition to the state law. Sadly, while the people of Arizona are trying to secure their southern border, the only thing that Obama is trying to secure is the Hispanic vote in the upcoming elections.

Although this latest injunction is being viewed as a victory for Hispanics, I really have to question it. I mean, what about all of the Hispanic people that got in line and did what they were supposed to do? I’m talking about the ones who became US citizens legally. Is it a victory for them? What incentive does this give to future immigrants to follow the rules?

If a police officer stops me in Arizona and asks to see my identification, should I just refuse and say “no digo el ingles?” What’s he going to do, throw me in jail and risk being accused of racially profiling? In a society where exaggerated civil rights accusations trump effective law enforcement, how can the cops possibly be expected to do their jobs? Hey, here’s an idea. How about we let the cops profile lawbreakers?

When will the nonsense end????

It’s almost like Obama and crew are promoting lawlessness! In between vacations and golf outings, maybe the Prez should spend a little time at the Arizona/Mexican border to witness, firsthand, the source of all the commotion. Of course, that’s just a thought…..

Somehow this whole thing is being turned around on the people who actually care about this country. And predictably, the libs are once again falling back on the race card in order to take focus off of the real issue. Come on, isn’t this race bullshit getting a little old? Just because people want something done about illegal immigration, it doesn’t make them racist. It makes them concerned American citizens, you silly bastards!

Is it really asking too much for immigrants to carry some form of identification such as a green card or a student/work visa? Is it that much different than the rest of us carrying our driver’s license or social security card? What’s the big deal? Hey look at it this way, if you’re not breaking the law, you’ll have no problems. So if the nice policeman asks to see your ID, just show it to him and don’t give him any lip! (For the non-English speakers out there…... muéstreselo y no déle ningún labio!)

This is our country we’re talking about here. At what point are we going to get serious about protecting it? The borders must be secured!

To the people of Arizona, all I can say is hang in there. Even though the current administration might not be looking out for you, the majority of America is on your side! Election Day is right around the corner and in November we will begin to take our country back!

KW

Out Of Context

Here we go again, another incident of racism dominating the news. This time, the controversy centers around comments made by Shirley Sherrod, an official with the Department of Agriculture.

Basically, Sherrod was addressing a group at a NAACP meeting in March when she told the story of an interaction she had with a white farmer twenty-four years ago. She, more or less, said that she initially didn’t give him the help he needed because he was white. Part of her reasoning was due to the fact that many black famers were hurting too. How could she justify helping a white man while “her own people” weren’t getting the help they needed?

But her story unfolded, Sherrod explained that her eyes were opened. She discovered that getting help has less to do with skin color and more to do with how much money you have. As she says, “It’s the haves versus the have-nots.” When faced with poverty, skin color makes no difference. That was Sherrod’s point.

After sound bites and edited video clips made their way around the talk circuit, the pressure was building for some kind of action. Before long, Sherrod was fired.

I have to admit, when I first heard the sounds bites and about the subsequent disciplinary action again against Sherrod, I said “Good. She got what she deserved.” However, when it was discovered that only a small part of Sherrod’s speech was shown and her comments appeared to be taken out of context, my attitude took a turn.

First off, people make mistakes. Sherrod used her “mistake” to make a broader point. She should not have been fired for this. Plus, the old white farmer came to Sherrod’s defense and said that she actually helped him keep his farm. That's good enough for me.

There is no reason to launch a character assassination of someone in order to push your political agenda. And although I believe the liberal media sources are far more guilty of it, the conservatives (talk radio, Fox News, etc.) were mostly to blame for giving this particular story legs. I would expect something like this from Jesse Jackson but reputable news sources should stay out of the race baiting game. America deserves to have the news presented to them in an unbiased manner. Just give us all the facts and we'll decide how we feel about it. But I’m afraid that will never happen…..

Meanwhile, after Sherrod’s full speech was examined, she was abruptly offered another job by the Agriculture Secretary. She’s still thinking about it. I can’t say that I blame her.

And then the apologies came rolling in………

And although I think an apology in this case was justified, I have to wonder about the racial overtones. If the tables were turned and Sherrod was a white woman talking about not helping a poor black farmer, would the outcome have been the same?

When President Obama accused a white cop in Massachusetts of “acting stupidly” for arresting a black professor, was there an immediate apology? (Beer summits don’t count). And was there ever an apology to those infamous Duke lacrosse players from a few years ago?

And while we’re on the subject of taking things out of context, let’s look at a few other causalities: radio host Don Imus, legendary sports announcer Howard Cosell, and former Senate Majority leader Trent Lott, just to name a few. One could make a valid argument that all of these people (and many more) have had their careers derailed for something that was taken mostly out of context.

I think the Shirley Sherrod incident exposes a much bigger problem in our society. In an era of ten-second sound bites, we are often quick to rush to judgment. Even the Obama administration, in a half-assed attempt to appear concerned about the racial implications, rushed to judgment of Shirley Sherrod. (On a side note, I had to laugh when Press Secretary Robert Gibbs tried to defend the administration’s quick decision to fire Sherrod. He explained that America wanted a quick response. Hmmm, if only they had that same attitude towards the BP oil spill.)

Yes, racism does indeed exist in our society. And make no mistake; it comes from the black community just as well as the white one. And even though I think that most people think racism as a whole is wrong, there seems to be a glaring double standard. Most whites are reluctant to talk about racial issues for fear of having their words twisted. And being labeled a racist (even if it’s unwarranted) can be the kiss of death.

People like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have made a nice living at race hustling. I really don’t know how anyone can take these jerks seriously anymore. They have done far more harm than good with their race baiting tactics through the years.

If we’re ever going to mend racial tensions in the country, we need to be able to have an open dialogue. We shouldn’t feel intimidated about talking about racially sensitive topics. If we can’t talk about it, how can we possibly expect things to get better? Should we just pretend that they don’t exist? Perhaps they’ll mend themselves?

Barrack Obama had a golden opportunity, as the nation’s first black President, to make strides along racial lines in America. But he continues to squander it. Just look at how he dropped the voter intimidation lawsuit against the New Black Panther Party. There is no way that this type of blatant racist behavior should be tolerated (especially at a polling place!). But, I’m not really surprised at the administration’s cavalier attitude towards it. After all, didn’t Obama spend twenty years listening to Reverend Wright preach about black theology? Can someone explain to me how this isn’t a racist movement purely by definition?

By incompetence and/or inexperience, Obama has failed miserably in advancing race relations in our country. Sadly, the racial divide is probably is as bad as it’s been since the civil rights movement. In an ironic twist, if you're white and disagree with the President, (on anything!) you might be called a racist. Just look at what's been happening with the Tea Party movement.

The sad thing is that when cries of racism are brought up today, most people just roll their eyes. They realize it's probably a bunch of bullshit and someone has gotten so desparate that thier only option was to play the race card. (Anyone remember the OJ Simpson trial?)

Personally, I find it amazing that we’re in the 21^st century and we’re still dealing with these kinds of things. It just seems like a total waste of time to me. But I guess as long as there’s money to be made and political agendas to be met, the race card will contiue to be dealt. And unfortunately, everyone loses.

KW

A Mosque at Ground Zero

When I first heard about the plans to build a mosque in New York at the site of Ground Zero, I just laughed it off. I mean, this idea was so ridiculous that it had to be a joke, right?

But my laughter quickly turned to outrage when I discovered it was true. There is indeed a plan to build a mosque where a bunch of murdering Islamic bastards killed almost 3000 innocent people on September 11, 2001. What could be more insulting to the families of the victims? And how could any American be ok with this?

The liberals are spinning this as a “token of healing”. I don’t buy it at all. I take this as nothing more than rubbing salt in the wound of what America still feels from that infamous September day.

I’m tired of hearing all of the bullshit about how Islam is the “religion of peace”. I’m also tired being told about tolerance and diversity. All of that went out the window when those radical Islamabods flew planes into our buildings. How can we be tolerant of an ideology that wants us dead? (You know, that whole “kill the infidels” thing…).

First off, I find it insulting that Muslims would even suggest that we build a mosque at the sacred ground in New York. To say it’s in bad taste would be an understatement. I personally don’t want to see anything even related to Islam around Ground Zero. And if people thing I’m being unreasonable and not “tolerant” enough, too f*cking bad. I will never forget those images of Muslims around the world rejoicing as Americans were jumping out of the Twin Towers. And I don’t recall any Muslims anywhere condemning it. Call me unreasonable, but as an American, these kinds of things really tend to piss me off!

Hey, I wonder if Muslims asked to piss on the victim’s graves, if the liberals would be ok with that too. To me, it’s essentially the same thing. Is there any limit to political correctness??

In my opinion, all this proposed mosque will do is feed the fire of radical Islam around the world. These assholes will be dancing in the streets (like they did while our buildings were still burning on September 11) at the site of a mosque on Ground Zero. I take it as nothing more than a form of gloating. It’s like the radical bastards are saying “Ha ha, we flew planes into your buildings and you assholes are building a tribute to us!”

And as if it couldn’t be any more insulting, the proposed opening for this mosque is on September 11, 2011 (the tenth anniversary of the murders).

In my opinion, Islam is more of an ideology than a religion. They want the rest of the world to be tolerant of them; however they are not willing to accept other points of view. It’s their way or the highway.  If you happen to be a Jew or a Christian, you’re considered an infidel (or impure) and you must covert or must be killed. Nice…..

Islam despises everything America is about. But our freedom is all they really need to hate us. If you disagree, just look at how Muslims treat their women. If a Muslim woman is caught looking at a man other than her husband, she can be stoned to death. Or perhaps she can be the recipient of an “honor killing” at the hands of a family member. Yeah, sounds like a religion of peace and tolerance to me! Quit pissing on my leg and telling me it’s raining!

You tell me that a mosque at Ground Zero will allow Americans to better understand Islam? Personally, I have no desire to learn any more of your religion. I learned everything I needed to know about Islam on September 11, 2001.

KW

An Impromptu Workout

We’re right in the middle of summer already, and I still haven’t hit the gym with any regularity. Today, however, I did indeed venture back into the land of grunts and perspiration. And somehow, I lived to tell about it……

I spend the day mentally preparing myself for my reunion with the weights and cardio machines. My iPod is fully charged, and I’m ready to go. So, I fire up The Scorpion’s “Lovedrive” album and hit the weight bench. The first few sets are tough. But by the time Klaus Meine kicks into the second chorus of Another Piece of Meat, I’m totally pumped. Maybe a little bit too pumped……

I want all of the gym rats to think that I work out every day, just like them. So, in between sets, I put on my “gym face” and walk through the free weight area like I’m stalking some kind of prey. My chest is pushed out and my arms are protruding like I’m carrying two 5-gallon buckets of paint. With my angry looking “gym eyes”, I quickly scan the rest of the room. A semi-attractive girl on the glut machine seems to be checking me out. I’d like to believe that she’s admiring my guns (that’s biceps for you non-gym people). But the truth of the matter is that my gym face is probably making her uncomfortable. Playing it cool, I roll my neck a couple of times.

I notice the people at the front desk giving a young guy a hard time about wearing a wife-beater (For those who don’t know, a “wife-beater” is the wardrobe of choice for guest stars of Cops). I’m still trying to figure it out the difference between a wife-beater and a regular tank-top. There’s a fine line between the two at my gym.

I also notice a very tan woman heading into one of the tanning rooms. I don’t understand this. First off, it’s the middle of July. You can get tan just by walking to your car. And secondly, the woman is already as dark as a piece of peppered beef jerky (with about the same texture!).

As I finish up with the free weights, I make my way over to the elliptical machines. My Scorpions album is over and I switch gears and tune into a country mix. Miranda Lambert kicks into the beginning of “Gunpowder & Lead” and I’m off and running. The woman next to me is really struggling. I almost hand her my iPod and tell her, “Listen to Miranda. She’ll fire you up!”  

Meanwhile, there’s a guy walking around in a pair of tight black shorts that I truly believe are underwear. He looks a little like George Michael, which makes it that much more disturbing. I guess these are the things you have to deal with at a $10 a month gym.

Anyway, I manage to do 30 minutes on the elliptical at a pretty decent pace. Not bad, considering it’s my first trip back in a while. As I wipe off the massive amount of perspiration that I left on the machine, I can’t help but wonder if sweat can cause rust. My mind never rests......

Moving on to the Life-Cycle, I catch up on some reading while I do another 30 minutes of cardio. By the time I’m done, I’m beginning to feel a bit light-headed. No doubt, I have completely burned off the Slim-Fast shakes that I “ate” for breakfast and lunch. I guess I’m almost ready for that “sensible dinner”?

I make my way to the locker room. I wrap a towel around myself and head into the shower. I’m feeling a sense of accomplishment until I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Oh my God! I look like the Michelin Man’s long lost brother (except I’ve got a better tan). When did this happen?? It’s amazing what six months of inactivity (wait a minute, does partying count as an activity?) can do to a person. It’s like I went through a metamorphosis, but not in a butterfly way.

Hey, I know I’m getting older and I’m never going to be on the cover of Men’s Health. But I’d give a case of Landshark to be thirty pounds lighter and to not jiggle. On that note, maybe I should just give up the Landshark all together.

Yeah, even I have to laugh at that one…………

KW

Brand X

I think it’s safe to say that most people like a bargain, especially in this rocky economy. So, one way to save a buck is to forego the more popular name brand products and purchase the “off brand” products instead. Yes, the off -brand items may bring some ridicule later, but that’s ok. Our primary goal today is to save a buck.

My first experiences with knock-off brands probably occurred during my childhood. My parents were the king and queen of frugality. I remember going to the grocery store with my mom years ago. She would pick up these canned goods that were so off brand, they didn’t even have a brand. I’m serious. They had this simple white label with nondescript bold black lettering.  I think these were known as “generic”. The label would only give you the bare minimum amount of required information, such as Green Beans, Net Weight 12 ozs. And that was pretty much it.  I don’t even think there was any info on where this stuff came from.  If you found a dead mouse in the can, you wouldn’t even know who to sue!

Another casualty of my childhood came in the form of my clothes. While most of the other kids were wearing Wranglers (no, they weren’t just for cowboys back then) and Levi’s, my mom would buy me these pseudo-jeans from Sears called Toughskins. They came in ridiculous colors like green, red and even plaid! As a seven year old, I used to plead, “C’mon Mom, don’t make me wear plaid. We’re not even Scottish!” I can’t remember her exact words, but she would tell me that Toughskins were have the half the price of Levis and lasted twice as long. My parents saved a few bucks and I effortlessly became the class clown…..

I guess the frugality gene was naturally passed onto me and I soon began to buy my own knock-off products. While my friends were eating Snickers bars and Tasty-Cakes, I would huddle up in a corner with a Little Debbie’s artificially flavored peanut butter bar. It didn’t really taste like peanut butter or chocolate, but from a distance it looked vaguely like a 3 Musketeers.

When I was a teenager, I worked a few summers with my dad, who happened to be a carpenter. Well, I decided to show my independence and show up with my own tools. Most guys would have gone to a place like Sears where you can buy a respectable Craftsman tool. Not me, I wanted to save a buck. Why pay twenty bucks for a hammer at Sears when I can get one at K-Mart for a buck ninety-nine? So, the first day on the job, I’m proudly driving sixteen penny nails with my shiny new K-Mart hammer. At some point, the head of the hammer came off and went flying through the air like a piece of shrapnel. It narrowly missed my dad’s head and came to rest in a piece of freshly painted Sheetrock. My dad immediately comes over, rips what’s left of the hammer out of my hand, and says, “Damn boy, you’re gonna kill somebody!  Where did you get this piece of shit?”

I must mention, for all of my dad’s shortcomings on canned goods and meat products, he never skimped on tools. After the runaway hammerhead incident, I never brought generic tool to his job site again....

Most recently, while on my way to the beach, I realized I forgot a couple of things. So, I stopped by a local “dollar store” in some obscure part of Delaware. I should have realized that something was wrong as soon as I walked through the door. The first guy that saw looked like he could have been Billy Bob Thorton’s body double in Slingblade. And another guy had a nervous twitch and looked way too much like the hitchhiker in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I have to admit, I was a little frightened. Anyway, I hurried through the store and made my purchases, one of which was a knock-off brand of mouthwash. After getting to my hotel in Ocean City, I brushed my teeth and rinsed with the mouthwash. I’m not kidding; it felt like I gargled with Novocain! My lips, tongue and throat went practically numb for about an hour! While Tina went out the boardwalk, I rocked back & forth and mumbled in a dark corner of the room. In this condition, I would have fit in perfectly with the cast of characters back at the dollar store. It took about an hour for me to regain the feeling in my mouth parts.

I guess there is some truth in the old cliché, “You get what you pay for”. If you try to save a buck today, you might actually wind up spending two tomorrow (or worse!).

As for me, I’m not taking any chances. From now on, I’m only buying Listerine!

KW

Celebrating America

From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans, white with foam,
God bless America, My home sweet home……….

When it comes to American holidays, nothing beats the Fourth of July. It’s a day where most Americans put aside their differences and take some time to celebrate our nation’s independence. And there are plenty of reasons to celebrate…….

To this day, I still get goose bumps every time I hear the Star Spangled Banner. It always makes me reflect on all the sacrifices that have been made to keep the Stars and Stripes flying high. I envision Francis Scott Key witnessing the bombardment of Fort McHenry and knowing that no mater how bad things got, our flag would still proudly wave. It's symbolic of the American people; you may be able to knock us down, but you can never break our spirit.

Hearing our national anthem also makes me appreciate how lucky we are to be an Americans. Of all the countries in the world, we all wound up here. How great is that??

And while other countries may sometimes call us arrogant, it doesn't really bother me. When you're a winner, inevitably, there are going to be those who get a little jealous. In my opinion, it’s not arrogance when you can back up your accomplishments. The world is indeed a better place because of America. And yes, I’ll say it…..we are the greatest country in the world!

When people around the world want a better life, where do they come? They come to the land of opportunity: the United States of America. If you put in the effort, anything is possible in America. I remember hearing a speech by a very famous Austrian immigrant several years ago. Beaming with pride, he said that after he was sworn in as a US citizen, he walked around all day with the American flag draped around his shoulders. That's the feeling every American should have!

Beginning with the American Revolution, countless brave men and women have continuously fought to preserve our freedoms and independence. I can’t thank our military enough. You guys are not only the best, you are also the reason America is what it is! Thank you so much for everything you have done and continue to do! 

Soon, the barbeques will be heating up and fireworks will be coloring the sky. A genuine slice of Americana will be on full display in backyards across the nation. So, while you’re spending time with your family and friends today, take a moment to reflect on how fortunate you are to be an American. And if you really want to do something for your country on this Fourth of July, simply appreciate it....

Happy Birthday, America!

kw

Summer Time

Summertime is a great time of year. The days are long and there is never a shortage of outdoor activity. And the bright sunny days have a way of making everything seem a bit more vibrant.

Living in Maryland, I’ve gotten used to the hot and humid summer temperatures. However, it always seems to come as a surprise to most locals. The first humid ninety degree day, people will immediately start saying things like, “Damn, it’s hot! I don’t know how much of this bullshit I can take! I can’t remember the last time it was this f*ckin’ hot! Maybe Al Gore was right!” I don’t get it. Does everyone suddenly develop a twinge of Alzheimers in June? It’s always hot as balls in the summer on the east coast! Why act surprised??

I was passing an old man on the Home Depot parking lot last week. Walking by, I said, “Brutal weather, huh?” He responds, “Son, it’s hotter than two mice f*cking in a wool sock!” Now, there’s a visual!

Moving on….

Nothing represents summer better than a pair of flip-flops. The first warm days always usher in a barrage of naked toes. And although they can be somewhat liberating, I still haven’t learned how to walk in a pair of them. No matter how hard I try, I always look like I’m heading to happy hour to drink Cosmopolitans with a bunch of male hairdressers.

And if this isn’t bad enough, at least once a year, I’ll try to walk down a steep hill in my flip-flops. Of course, this can be quite painful and it usually results in me tumbling head over heels down the hill. And as luck always has it, there’s usually at least one witness who finds the whole thing extremely amusing. What? Am I the only one this ever happens to??

I don’t know what it is with Bob Marley songs in the summer. Whenever I hear one, I instinctively want to party. I could be sitting in church on a Sunday morning (work with me here), and if the organ player kicked into a spiritual version of “Buffalo Soldier”, I would buy a round for the entire congregation. I guess it’s kind of like being hypnotized. I’m really starting to think that there’s a subliminal message in Bob’s music that tells me to drink more rum.

Of course, summertime means lots of sun. And this translates into my dumb ass get severely sunburned. You see, I almost always forget to wear sunscreen. And after eight hours by the pool with Bob Marley and Captain Morgan, things tend to get a bit precarious. By sundown, my skin is the shade of steamed lobster. Then within a few days, it will blister and peel until I transform into some type of reptile. The only good thing is that it takes the focus away from my man boobs.

At some point during the summer, a trip to the beach is always likely. There’s so much fun to be had. I mean, what can be more fun than catching a wave on my boogie board and pile driving myself into four inches of water? The worst part is when a crowd gathers around my dazed ass, looks down and says, “Are you OK? That looked really bad.” I usually just lay there like a beached whale until the crowd disapates.

Another thing that drives me nuts on the beach is when some asshole decides to feed French fries to the seagulls. If one person brings a cup of fries to the beach, every seagull within in a 100 mile radius will instantly swarm. It usually ends with me swinging at them like a victim in the classic Alfred Hitchcock film. Next time, I think I’ll just kick the guy’s ass that brings the French fries!

No matter what you have in store for this summer, have an enjoyable and safe one!

KW