Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Tough Times For Sears & Kmart

I recently read that over 100 Sears and Kmart stores will be closed in the near future. From what I understand, the closings are being blamed on lower than expected holiday sales. But I suspect that things go deeper than that...

First off, let me say that I have shopped at Sears forever (and still do). As a kid, I can remember waiting for the arrival of the Sears Christmas catalog (a.k.a. The Wishbook). The toy section was most impressive and I would spend hours flipping through it. So many choices......

As an adult, I have bought countless pairs of Levi jeans and Docker's from Sears. The prices are comparable to other major retailers and I always liked the "shopper-friendly" organization of Sears clothing section. Knowing my exact size, I could usually just grab a pair of jeans out of the neatly labeled wall-rack and be on my way. (Lately, this has become more of a challenge due to the redistribution of weight to certain parts of my body!)

And of course, being a guy, Craftsman tools were always a big attraction for me. The quality and "craftsmanship" spoke for itself. I also liked that Sears gave a lifetime guarantee on most of their hand tools. I used to love talking to some of the older sales guys in the tools department. They were knowledgeable and could often give you good advice on which tool was best for your specific need. But disappointingly, on my most recent trips to Sears, I have seen these positions filled with young inexperienced kids who really show no interest in their job. Could this have something to do with the diminishing sales? I would think so....

Another recent disappointment is the Sears automotive department. It used to be my "go-to" store for tires and minor repairs. The products were solid and the service was quick and efficient. However, in recent years, the Sears auto department has proven to be severely understaffed. I even had one employee give me the low-down on how thin the crew was being stretched. When the staff starts bitching to customers, you know Houston definitely has a problem. Unfortunately, in today's world of "profits over people", this scenario has become the norm rather than the exception....

Moving over to Kmart......

I was really surprised when I learned that Kmart was buying Sears (and not the other way around) several years ago. Sears always seemed so much bigger than Kmart. Seriously, have you ever heard of the Kmart Tower?

Frankly, I have never been a big fan of Kmart. Although the prices were always reasonable, I just found many of the the stores to be outdated and unorganized. At my local Kmart, it was very common to see storage bins (and sometimes pallets) scattered through the aisles. They shelves were often in disarray which created a challenge when trying to find your item. Because of this, I would often opt for the nearby Target where things always tended to be neat and tidy.

Wal-Mart was another alternative but it tended to be much more crowded. (Hmmm, could there be a reason for this?) The drawback is that Wal-Mart people have a tendency to scare the hell out of me. But that's another story.....

From what I've read, Sears Holdings  has seen it's sales numbers decline every year since Sears merged with K-Mart back in 2005. Could Kmart possibly be dragging the iconic Sears down? After all, Sears has been around since 1886. And not so long ago, it was considered one of our country's most successful retailers. What went wrong?

I don't know what will eventually happen to Sears/Kmart, but I really hope they survive in the long run. Where else would I buy my Craftsman tools???

kw

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Money Don't Sing Or Dance

I can never predict where the ideas for my stories will come from......

Taking a little quiet time before the Christmas Day activities kick into high gear, I plugged in a Neil Diamond CD to relax. First off, I always forget how good of a singer he is. It's not so much his actual voice (although it is great) as it is his delivery and phrasing of the lyrics. Anyway, after Sweet Caroline and Cracklin' Rosie kicked in, I couldn't resist the urge to pick up my guitar and play along. It made me think of how the simple things in life can be the most satisfying.

Flipping through the various songs on the CD, I came across one called "Forever In Blue Jeans". I was instantly drawn to the initial acoustic guitar riff. But the most compelling part of the song was when Neil sings.....

"Money talks, but it don't sing and dance, and it don't walk...."


I know it sounds silly, but this jump started the wheels in my head.

If you are constantly obsessed with material things and money, you may miss out on the things that matter most. As you go through life, take to time to stop and smell the roses. It's a big world out there, go out and experience it!

More importantly, cherish the people in your life. Unlike material things, they can not replaced. Money might temporarily buy you happiness but you can't put a price tag on family and friends. It's people who will share those special moments with you. And it's people who will support you when times are tough..

To all of the people who I am privileged to call my family and friends, I am grateful to have you in my life. I look forward to our days ahead and the countless memories that are waiting to be made.....

Have a  Merry Christmas and very Happy New Year!

kw

Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Day of Non-Christmas Shopping

Right in the mist of the hectic holiday shopping season, I found myself needing a few personal items. As luck would have it, I would have to make three stops. So, I finally got my head together and prepared to set out for what would be an eventful journey.

My first stop is at BJ's Wholesale Club where the parking lot is expectantly jam-packed. Watching the "Battle of the Parking Spaces" from a safe distance, I decide to park at the far end of the lot and walk off a portion of the burger I had for lunch. As I get closer to the front entrance, I hear no fewer than three profanity-laced exchanges between the Battle participants. It really puts me in the Christmas spirit.....

Once I get inside, I walk over to the computer section so I can pick up item number one: ink cartridges for my printer. I grab them and start for the checkout line. When I see about eight people in the shortest line, I decide to kill a little time by looking around the store (or is it a warehouse?). A store employee asks if I'd like to sample what appears to be a Hickory Farms summer sausage. Imagining what these things are made of, I politely decline.

As I move towards the back of the store, I nearly lose my kneecaps to one of those silly looking shopping carts with the kid's car on the front. Thanks to my gazelle-like agility, I'm able to jump out of the way just before impact. The woman "driver" apologizes but the kid in the car seems to really have gotten some amusement out of the near collision. Personally, I think he was giggling just a bit too much.....

I decide to head to the checkout line again. The self checkout lines are a little less backed-up. So, I forego the human interaction and eventually scan my package. Of course, there's a problem. It doesn't scan the first time so I try it several more times. I guess there's a limit on the amount of times you can incorrectly scan an item because a flashing police-like light begins to flash above my scanner. An expressionless young lady comes over and puts a key into an override switch and then punches in a secret code. She walks away without looking at me and tells me to try it again. I do and it finally scans.

I pay for my item and then head towards the exit. There, I run into another line. This is where we all have to get our goods inspected to make sure that we didn't steal anything. I always hate this at the whoesale clubs. The familiar lady at the door gives the "Hello-How ya doin'-Thank you-Bye Bye-Have a good one-Thank you-Bye Bye" routine (if you've ever been to the Pasadena BJ's, you know what I'm talking about).

Next stop...Sears. To pick up item number two: an axe......

As I roll out of the parking lot and prepare to make a right turn onto the main street, there's an inconsiderate asshole in front of me who decides to ignore the No Left Turn sign. So, I wait a few minutes and then I start to get really annoyed. I get tired of following the rules just to watch pricks like this do as they please. So, I give me a little toot of my horn as I point to the No Left Turn sign. He flips me the bird! Can you believe this? Returning the Christmas cheer, I flip him off and lay on my horn a little more. He finally guns his engine, makes his left turn and bolts out into traffic, narrowly missing an oncoming car.

I make a right turn and head out to the main street where I immediately hit a red light. Absorbed in John Cougar's "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", I don't realize that the light tuned green. This causes the driver behind me to not toot, but lay on his horn which causes my middle finger to immediately go up. The driver really needs to learn the appropriate use of the horn. There's a huge difference between a toot and full blast. And admittedly, I need to work on the liberal use of my middle finger.....

I finally get to Sears only to find out that they are completely out of axes. How can the home of Craftsman tools  not have a single ax? Is there a Paul Bunyan convention in town?

Disappointed, I abandon the ax idea for the day and move on to item number three:  2012 refill pages for my Day-Planner.

I pull into the Office Depot parking lot where I see several people walking their dogs into neighboring Petsmart. I never quite understood why pet owners feel the need to take their pets shopping.

As I make my way into the Office Depot, I'm greeted by a young man wearing one of those earpieces with the microphone that sticks out in front of his face. He looks more like an air traffic controller than an Office Depot employee. I go back to the Day-Planner section. While I'm searching for my refills, a woman walks right in front of me, actually bumping me as she goes by. There's not so much as an "Excuse me" from her. Maybe it's good that Sears didn't have that ax after all.

Later on, I see this same woman bump into a tub of Sharpies, knocking several of them to the floor. Of course, she moves on and doesn't bother to pick them up. I'm sorry, but ignorant people like this shouldn't be allowed to shop unsupervised.

I  see another woman who is trying to decide between two inexpensive e-Readers. I tell her to spend the extra money and get the Nook or the Kindle. She thanks me but I still think that she went with the off-brand model to save a few bucks.

I pay for my item and the young cashier encourages me to go online and fill out a survey regarding my shopping experience. I never fill those things out but I'm seriously considering copying and pasting this blog entry into their survey just to see if I get a reaction.

Later on, in attempt to wind down, I decide to join some friends at a neighborhood pub for a drink. As I walk toward the front door, an intoxicated guy stumbles out and greets everyone with a cheerful "Merry F*cking Christmas"! Real nice.......

Shopping for me always tends to be adventurous, but never so much as around Christmas. Maybe next year, I'll try to order my ax and Day-Planner refills online. But then again, that's what I say every year.....

kw

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Social Security Tax Cuts

There's nothing like waiting until the last minute to get your chores done. And that's exactly what Congress is doing in regards to the extension of the Social Security tax cuts. There is a House bill right now that will, in all likelihood, be shot down by the Democratically controlled Senate. If it somehow miraculously passes the Senate, President Obama has vowed to veto it.

So, what's the problem? First off, there's the usual partisan bickering over how much the tax rate should be. It is currently at 4.2 percent rate (down from it's previous 6.2% rate). The Republicans are ok with extending the 4.2 rate. Of course, nothing can be simple. So, there are some other things thrown into the bill (we'll look at those shortly). The Democrats want to drop the temporary tax cut down to 3.1 percent. Hey, I don't usually usually side with the Dems, but I kind of like this idea.

The real problem comes in when we add the follow things to the mix:

  • The Republicans want to reduce unemployment benefits to 59 weeks. The Democrats want to keep it at the current 99 weeks.
  • A federal government worker pay freeze through 2013and eliminating unemployment insurance for millionaires. This is the Republicans idea for offsetting the tax cut, while the Democrats want to raise the taxes on millionaires.
  • A cut in the amount that Medicare reimburses doctors
  • A proposal to begin work on the 1700 mile Keystone oil pipeline that will run from Canada to Texas. Of course, this will create a lot of jobs in an ailing economy. But it doesn't appeal to the tree-hugging crowd. Plus, President Obama wants to deal with the pipeline issue after the election. Hmmm.....

Ok, here's what really bothers me. Why can't we just vote on one item at a time? Since the tax cuts are due to expire in a couple of weeks, shouldn't we make it the priority? This isn't a barbarque, so what do you say we   put the pork back in the freezer?

So, if the bickering continues and the tax cuts are not extended, 160 million American workers will be affected next year. In a nut shell, the rate will increase by 2% on January 1, which means that a household making $50,000 will pay $1000 more in taxes in 2012. A household making $100,000 will send Uncle Sam $2000 more in taxes. You get the drift........

And there are some that want the rate to increase. The argument being that the Social Security fund is already in bad shape and needs all of the tax dollars that it can get. Last year, for the first time, Social Security paid out more than it brought in. However, from what I understand, the fund can continue to pay out full benefits until 2037. But I have my doubts. Personally, I would rather not contribute anything to the Social Security fund and instead, direct the "tax" into a legitimate growth fund. Further yet, how about if Uncle Sam just gives me a full refund on all of the Social Security taxes that I've paid over my working career? Just send me what I put in, I don't want a dime more. I figure I'll be bet better off rolling it into almost any other investment rather than taking my chances with the government's retirement idea.

Our government really needs to get their ass in gear and start doing the job that we sent them to Washington to do. One way or another, make a damned decision!

kw

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Hottest Woman Ever?

I was recently looking through the latest issue of Men's Health magazine. Nah, I wasn't interested in the latest breakthrough in fat-burning foods or the most efficient bicep workout. I was actually curious to see who they ranked as the 100 Hottest Women of All-Time.

Let me cut right to the chase. Here is who made the top ten (for the full list, see attached link at bottom):

10. Angelina Jolie
9. Jane Fonda
8. Pamela Anderson
7. Bettie Paige
6. Ursula Andress
5. Madonna
4. Britney Spears
3. Marilyn Monroe
2. Raquel Welch
1. Jennifer Aniston

Ok, first off, let me preface this by saying that I recently watched "Horrible Bosses" starring Jennifer Aniston. I imagine guys were lining up to become dental assistants after seeing this one! So, it's hard to argue that Jennifer Aniston is not hot. She absolutely is. But the hottest woman of all time? I don't know about this one.

If I had compiled the list, Raquel Welch would have been hands-down the number one choice. I can remember sitting through One Million B.C. many times as a kid, and I still couldn't tell you what the movie was about. Why? Because Raquel, running around in the skimpy lion-cloth, had my undivided attention.

And I couldn't believe that Sophia Loren didn't crack the top ten. I remember seeing her in Grumpier Old Men several years ago. I'm guessing she was in her mid 70's and she still looked hot! I can only imagine the impact she had on adolescent boys back in her prime.

What about Anna Kournokova? She's why I became interested in tennis years ago! She came in at a surprising 29 spot. Number 29 for the hottest female athlete of all time? It didn't matter that Anna never won a singles title at a Grand Slam event. When she skirted across the court in those revealing outfits, the score was irrelevant.

Perhaps even more surprising was Ann Margret coming in at number 28. Another woman who held up well to the test of time. Even her cartoon likeness (Ann Marg-rock) on The Flintstones was hot! No doubt, this woman should be in the top ten.

I don't understand Madonna coming in at number five. Sure, she was provocative and sexual, but the fifth hottest woman of all time? No way. She wouldn't have even made my top fifty.

And Jane Fonda in the top 10? I see no beauty at all in this treasonous bitch. Perhaps if we were talking about the top 100 traitors of all time, one could make a valid argument for her spot in the top ten. And how does Fonda finish one spot higher than Angelina Jolie?

And where is Scarlett Johansson in all of this? She came in at number 12. I personally think that she's the hottest modern day actress and is deserving of a higher spot than 12.

I'm also surprised that Farrah Fawcett (#31) didn't finish much higher. Let's face it, she was the main reason the guys tuned into Charlie's Angels years ago. She was the premiere pin-up girl of the 70s.

Ok, so with all of this being said, Jennifer Aniston is well deserving of a spot in the top ten. Personally, I think she looks better now than she did on "Friends" years ago. Considering she's 40-something now and still one of the hottest actresses out there says a lot. I love her movies. She's funny, witty and has that "girl next door" presence that I admire. I'm just not sure that I would rank her the hottest woman ever. But for what it's worth, I think Jennifer is hotter than Angelina. Sorry, Brad....

kw

http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/hottest-women-all-time

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The $250 Million Dollar Man

For the life of me, I'll never figure out the ridiculous salaries that are paid to professional athletes. Most recently, former St. Louis Cardinal's slugger Albert Pojols signed a $250 million deal with the Los Angeles Angels. That's $25 million a year for the next ten years.

I know there's a lot of work and dedication that goes into becoming a professional ball player, but $25 million a year? Come on! Think about it...... assuming that Pojols gets paid every other week, like most American workers, his gross pay is over $1 million each paycheck! This is more than many of his fans will make in a lifetime.

And if I'm not mistaken, Pojols still isn't the highest paid player in baseball. Alex Rodriquez of the New York Yankees is currently on a $275 million/10 year contract. Holy Toledo, Batman! Can these guys ever possibly spend all of this money? I mean, once you got a couple hundred million in your pocket, do you really need any more? Is it really worth packing your bags and leaving a city and/or team that has supported you for all of these years?


I don't want it to seem like I'm singling out Albert Pojols. He just happens to be the latest recipient of these outrageous baseball contracts. Pojols seems like a nice guy and you can't dispute the numbers that he puts up year after year. I was personally impressed with his three home-run performance in Game 5 of this year's World Series (the only other players ever to do this were Babe Ruth and Reggie Jackson).

Speaking of Babe Ruth, arguably the greatest player ever, he earned $785,000 over his entire career. Some of the modern players earn that much by the seventh inning stretch on Opening Day!

It just seemed like yesterday when we saw the first one million dollar baseball contract. Depending on which source you reference, the first $1 million man was either Nolan Ryan or Dave Parker. There is a contract  technicality that could give the honor to either player.

As a kid back in the 70's, I used to like to watch "The Six Million Dollar Man". Steve Austin could see for miles and throw about 2000 miles per hour with his bionic body parts. But his $6 million price tag pales in comparison to the professional athletes of today.

I'm sure, as new superstars are born, there will be even more lucrative contracts. I wonder if we'll live to see the first billion dollar man? It could happen.......

kw

Friday, December 2, 2011

20 Awesome Rock Albums


I always enjoy sitting around talking about music with my buddies. It always brings back memories of those younger days when everyone was riding through the high school parking lot blasting their favorite band through a set of Jenson coaxials.

To be quite honest, I have lost interest in most of the modern day rock and roll. These days, I prefer country music (before you grill me, see my blog entitled "I'm A Little Bit Country". It will help explain things). However, I will forever be hooked on the records and bands of my youth. Although they're subject to change without notice, here are twenty of my all time favorite rock albums. Some are very familiar, others maybe not. But, if you're a rock and roll fan, all of the following albums all worthy of a spot on your CD shelf.


Foreigner - self titled - When these guys first hit the scene back in the 70's, you knew they were destined to make it big. I was instantly drawn to Lou Gramm's versatile vocals and Mick Jones' catchy guitar transitions. This is one of those rare albums that I owned on vinyl, 8-track, cassette and CD. Basic rock and roll, but I'll never get tired of listening to it. All of the songs are great, but I particularly love the hard driving "War of the Worlds".



Aerosmith - Rocks - I could probably make a valid argument for any of the early Aerosmith albums, but Rocks tends to be my favorite. It was produced very well but it still had that raw edge that I liked so much about 70's Aerosmith. I love the groove of "Last Child". I can't imagine anyone other than Steven Tyler singing it. "Back In The Saddle" And "Sick As A Dog" are two of my all time favorites on this album too. Tyler and Perry might have been The Toxic Twins back then, but they're songwriting was brilliant.


The Black Crowes - Shake Your Money Maker - Just when I thought rock was on it's last leg, along comes The Black Crowes. The first time that I heard "Jealous Again" I was blown away. The southern vibe with the bluesy guitar sound were perfect companions for Chris Robinson's soulful vocals. "She Talks To Angels" is a beautiful song that is quite capable of giving you goosebumps. And the Crowe's cover of Otis Redding's "Hard To Handle" is top notch.



Def Leppard -High n' Dry - The beginning guitar riff to "Let It Go" is one of my all time favorites. I used to love playing this song with my band mates years ago. High n' Dry is a little more polished than the band's debut album (On Through The Night), but it still captures all of the energy. "Bringing On The Heartbreak" has become a classic rock ballad. I have to admit that I was disappointed when they remixed it and added keyboards. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.



Van Halen - self-titled -  The first time that I heard "Eruption", my jaw dropped. Eddie Van Halen carried forward the torch that Jimi Hendrix lit so many years ago. Van Halen's cover of "You Really Got Me" has become a iconic. I love the heavy, steady rhythm section of Alex Van Halen and Michael Anthony. And David Lee Roth is one of those rare frontmen who can legitimately be mentioned in the same breath with Mick Jagger or Robert Plant.



AC/DC - Highway To Hell - I loved Back In Black almost as much, but Highway to Hell gets the slight edge because of Bon Scott. His unique vocals were the perfect fit for Angus Young's simplistic, yet powerful guitar riffs. I love the title track as well as "The Girls Got A Rhythm" and "Beatin' Around The Bush". I've always wondered what Bon Scott would have sounded like on the Back In Black album.




Guns n' Roses - Appetite For Destruction - In my opinion, the greatest debut rock album of all time. This record oozes with attitude. The songwriting is brilliant and Axl Rose's screeching voice is complimented perfectly by Slash's blistering yet melodic guitar solos. The rhythm section of Izzy, Duff and Steve complete the recipe for one hell of a rock band. Of course, "Welcome to the Jungle" and "Sweet Child o' Mine" have become classics. But I always loved "Out To Get Me" and "Night Train". Every song on this one totally kicks ass!


4 Non-Blondes - Bigger, Better, Faster, More - Every now and then, a record will come out of left field. For me, this is the one. The first time I heard "What's Up", I was instantly drawn to Linda Perry's energetic vocal style. I had never heard anyone like her and instantly went out and bought the CD. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the other songs on the record were just as good. I particular like "Calling All The People" and "Morphine & Chocolate". The biggest problem that I have with this band is that they never came out with a follow-up album.


Led Zeppelin - IV - How do you pick a favorite Zeppelin album? They're all great! But I'm going to settle on the fourth album. And although this album has the most famous rock ballad of all time (Stairway To Heaven), it's not why I like this record so much. More precisely, "Rock and Roll" was the song that first made me want to pick up a guitar. The title says it all. Also, I love the groove of "Misty Mountain Hop" (by the way, 4 Non-Blondes also do a killer version!). And how can you not love the guitar riff of "Black Dog"? "When The Levee Breaks" has a mysterious vibe that goes right along with the mystique of the album name, cover, etc.

Alcatrazz - Disturbing The Peace - An album that's not on everyone's radar, but it should be. Although not a household name, this album features one of rock's greatest vocalists, Graham Bonnet. This record also features my favorite guitar player, Steve Vai. The opening song, "God Blessed Video" makes you want to instantly crank up the volume. I blew out a set of speakers in my old Cutlass Supreme listening to this one years ago. "Stripper" and "Wire & Wood" are two of my other favorites on this record. Trust me, this is one good rock album!


Rush - 2112 - I loved all of their early stuff, but 2112 is still the Rush album that I like best. I couldn't tell you how many times that I've listened to this one from start to finish. This was my first experience with a concept album. I loved the story line of a guy discovering a guitar and music from the "ancient world" in the year 2112. On the B side, "Passage To Bangkok" is one of my all time favorite Rush tunes as well.




Vandenberg - self-titled - During the heavy metal era of the early 80's, it took awhile for this album to sink in for me. The power ballad "Burning Heart" got a fair amount of airplay. "Wait" and "Lost In A City" were two of my favorite tracks. Adrian Vandenberg is a really good guitar player who often doesn't get the recognition he deserves. By the way, how many other Dutch rock bands can you name?




Y&T - Mean Streak - Of all the albums that I've ever owned, I would have to say Mean Streak is the one that I have listened to the most. I absolutely love this record. Dave Meniketti's powerful vocals and tasteful guitar work puts this album in my top three of all-time. The harmonies are also noteworthy. I can't pick just one song on this one, I love them all! Meniketti is another great guitarist who often got overshadowed by some of the more flashy players of the 80's.



Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd has the unique ability to "pull you" into a song. Just listen to "Breathe" or "Brain Damage" through a set of headphones and you'll see what I'm talking about (for enhancement, add your favorite adult beverage). And if you don't get goosebumps after hearing guest vocalist Clare Torry's performance on "The Great Gig In the Sky", you should check your pulse! Brilliant songwriting and passionate musicianship make this record an absolute masterpiece.


Black Sabbath - Heaven And Hell - No one knew what to expect when Sabbath announced they were replacing legendary front man Ozzy Osbourne. But the mystery was solved as soon as Ronnie James Dio belted out the opening lines to "Neon Knights". Dio probably delivered a song better than anyone who ever graced the rock stage. "Lady Evil" and "Children of the Sea", as well as the title track, are my favorites. I always loved the album cover too.


Queensryche - Operation Mindcrime - Another concept album that really sparked my interest. I have always been a big fan of Queensryche. Listening to this album takes you on a thrilling journey of corruption, murder and conspiracy. Musically, Queensryche is as technically solid as you can get. And singer Geoff Tate has one the best vocal ranges the rock world has ever known. Mindcrime was the predecessor to the band's commercially sucessful Empire album. An equally good album in my opinion.


Scorpions - Lovedrive - The first album recorded with new guitarist Matthias Jabs set the German band on a course for huge success in America. From the adrenaline filled "Another Piece of Meat" to the melodic "Holiday", this album delivers the goods. As a bonus, Michael Schenker plays guitar on three of the album's songs. The original album cover drew some controversy. Can you imagine why?




Crack The Sky - White Music - Unless you live in the Baltimore area, you may have never heard of this band. But trust me, they're awesome. I could have just as easily picked their debut album, but I liked the quirkiness of White Music just a little more. "All American Boy" and "Suspicion" are two of my favorites. And I love the unconventional tempo change when the guitar solo kicks in on "Hot Razors In My Heart". These guys can play!



UFO - The Essential UFO. - Ok, I know it's a "best of" album, but I had to include it anyway. By far, one of my favorite all time bands, this record packs a ton of energy. I love Michael Schenker's intro guitar riff to "Rock Bottom". The heavy pounding "Too Hot To Handle" and "Lights Out" always gets my heart rate up. The slow building "Cherry" is one of my favorite UFO tunes.You can't go wrong with any song on this one.




Judas Priest - Unleashed In The East - This album sounds so good that I've always questioned whether it was doctored up. Nonetheless, I've seen these guys live several times, and I can tell you that they nail it. Rob Halford's legendary vocals with the guitar tandem of Tipton and Downing make this the perfect live album for any hard rock fan. It still amazes me that "Diamonds and Rust" was originally done by Joan Baez. I'm sure most people will agree that Priest's version is much better. The "Victim of Changes" track off of this record remains one of my favorite rock tunes ever.



The Cult - Sonic Temple - The first time I heard this album, I was blown away. "Fire Woman" and "Sun King" have all of the piss and vinegar that you would expect from a heavy rock album. But the slower "Edie" delivers just as much passion as the up-tempo songs. A great album to have on your I-Pod while you're working out!


kw

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Weddings - Breaking It All Down

Weddings are so predictable. Yeah, yeah, there's the usual, "Do you take this woman, do you take this man, you may now kiss the bride, are you sure you want to go through with this, etc.". But there's also many other things that you can count on...

For instance, the stress factor increases the minute I start getting ready for a wedding. Although I have about twenty pairs of dress pants, five or six suits, several blazers/sport-coats and countless dress shirts, I am always faced with the same last minute dilemma:  nothing fits! This revelation always causes me to go into a momentary state of depression as my usual excuse of "the dryer must be shrinking my clothes" goes out the window.

So, I go through the ritual of trying on endless combinations of skin tight outfits. I narrow the selection down to the ones that don't completely cut off my circulation. Eventually, I settle on the one that allows me to breathe with the least amount of pain.

Even my shoes are uncomfortably tight! How does that happen? I feel like I'm going through a Chinese foot binding ritual as a gingerly walk out to my car. I'm seriously concerned that my feet will be completely numb by the time I get to the wedding. Have you ever tried to brake a mid-size sedan with numb feet?

Once I get to the wedding facility, I hear the women saying, "Let's sit up front, so we can see." It's as if Mick Jagger and the boys are getting ready to hit the stage. Settle down ladies, I'm sure wherever you sit, you're going to be able to see.

Once the bride and groom roll down the aisle, the women will start with, "Aw, doesn't she look beautiful? Isn't that dress just gorgeous?" Meanwhile, I'm fully engaged in conversation with the guys about whether there will be an open bar at the reception.

When we finally get to the reception, the women turn the critiquing completely around. Instead of complimenting the bride's dress, they now focus their attention on the "inappropriate" wedding clothes of the other female guests.

"Oh, my God. Can you believe she's wearing that? She's practically hanging out of it. The only thing missing is a stripper pole!"

To add fuel to the fire, the guys are all huddled together with their tongues hanging out as Miss Pole Dancer strolls onto center stage then proceeds to wiggle and jiggle to the bass line of Brick House. Yeah, she was definitely lettin' it all hang out.

As the party swings into high gear, the dance floor becomes populated with a group of line dancers. I try to avoid this at all costs. Several years ago, someone roped me into to doing the Electric Slide. By the time we got to the second verse, at least five people were writhing in pain as a result of my big ass crashing into them. In the name of public safety, no more line dancing for me!

And it's inevitable that the DJ will play at least one stupid ass song like The Hokey-Pokey or The Chicken Dance. And what's up with that song Da Butt? Yeah, that one. Is it really an appropriate song to play in front of Aunt Mildred? And just when you think it can't get any more uncomfortable, the DJ cues up Strokin' by the illustrious Clarence Carter.

And it drives me nuts when they play Buster Poindexter's Hot, Hot, Hot and then encourage everyone to conga out to the parking lot. People may think I'm a dick for not participating, but I refuse to risk spilling my beer for such a worthless cause.

During the course of the reception, you'll always run into people you haven't seen in years. Then you're bombarded with 101 questions. I'm seriously thinking about typing up a bio and handing it to everyone who hits me with the mother of all open-ended questions......"So, what have ya been up to?" I figure they can catch up on the past ten years of my life while I grab another beer.

As the reception nears the end, the plan for the after-party begins. Now, when I was younger, I would look forward to round two. But nowadays, an afternoon of partying only makes me look forward to a couple of Tylenol PM's and a cozy bed.

So, I wish the happy couple the best and make my way out. But before I can get through the lobby, I'm confronted by several friends and my sister-in-law (we affectionately refer to her as "the pusher") who insist that I join them at the after party.

How can I say no to friends and family?? Oh well, maybe I'll just go for one more drink........:-)

kw