I'm likely to take some heat heat from my fellow Oriole fans for this one. But love them or hate them, any true baseball fan has to respect the tradition of winning that's come from the Yankees organization over the past century. With that being said, coming right on the heels of my all-time Baltimore Oriole's line-up, I've put together what I'd consider the all-time best Yankee line-up. This one is a little trickier because the Yankee teams go back a lot further than the Oriole's. And you can't ignore the fact that the way the game is approached (due of many different reasons) has dramatically changed since those early Yankee teams. Nonetheless, here' what I came up with.....
1st Base - Lou Gerhig
Long before Baltimore was introduced to the Iron Man, there was the Iron Horse. Gerhig was kept in the line-up for 2130 straight games for good reason. He was a huge impact player finishing his career with nearly 500 home runs and an impressive .340 lifetime batting average. He was a 2-time American League MVP and won baseball's coveted Triple Crown in 1934. Gerhig still holds the record for career Grand Slams with 23. He was also the first MLB player to have his number retired as well as being the first athlete to appear on a box of Wheaties. Aside from everything he accomplished on the field, Gerhig was a true gentleman and that wins him big points in my book.
Honorable Mention: Don Mattingly, Tino Martinez, Jason Giambi
2nd Base - Robinson Cano
Although he's only been with the Yankees since 2005, Cano is only about 200 hits away from being the all-time hits leader for Yankee second baseman. Already the all-time HR leader in that same group proves that he is always a threat to go deep. Couple that with his lifetime .308 batting average, Cano routinely gets things done. He is also a brilliant defensive second baseman, winning Gold Gloves in 2010 & 2012.
Honorable Mention: Tony Lazzeri, Willie Randolf
Shortstop - Derek Jeter
Jeter is already the all-time hits (3307) leader for the Yankees. In fact, no one else is even close. As hard as it is to believe, among all of the great players that have passed through the Yankees organization, Jeter is the only one that's ever reached the 3000 hit plateau. Jeter is a lifetime .313 hitter with 256 HR's and 348 stolen bases. He's a great defensive shortstop, holding five Gold Gloves. But the icing on the cake has to be the five World Series rings that he holds. A shoe-in for the Hall of Fame, Jeter is one of the most well-rounded players in Yankees history.
Honorable Mention - Phil Rizutto, Tony Kubek
3rd Base - Alex Rodriguez/Craig Nettles
Picking A-Rod for this spot was a bit tricky. You can't deny the stats: massive power numbers, stolen bases, gold gloves, etc. But the question is: Will they still be relevant after the current steroid investigation? There is currently talk about banning Rodriguez from the game altogether. If that happens, will his records be thrown in the waste basket ala Pete Rose? If that's the case, I'm picking Craig Nettles as my back-up choice. Nettles was a solid player for the Yanks during most of the 70's and into the early 80's. He is currently the all-time hits leader for Yankee third basemen. He hit with good power, winning the American League home run crown in 1976. Also, very good with the leather, winning two Gold Gloves.
Honorable Mention: Wade Boggs, Red Rolfe
Left Field - Dave Winfield
Picking the outfielders for the Yankees is tough. Number one, because there were som many great ones. And number two, players were often shuffled to other positions.But we've got to narrow it down somehow, so I'm going with Winfield who slightly edges Paul O'Neill and Rickey Henderson. Winfield was a good all-around ball-player with great power. He was an outstanding defensive player, winning seven Gold Gloves during his career (five of them while with the Yanks).
Honorable Mention: Paul O'Neil, Rickey Henderson, Alfonso Soriana
Center Field - Joe DiMaggio
The Yankees have had plenty of great centerfielders, but DiMaggio is my hands down favorite. A lifetime .325 hitter with 361 HR's, Joltin' Joe still holds the MLB record for consecutive games with a hit (56). The 3-time American League MVP, was a cornerstone in those great Yankee teams of the 30's and 40's. He is a 9-time World Series champion and is part of MLB's All-Century Team.
Honorable Mention: Mickey Mantle, Bernie Williams, Earle Combs
Right Field - Babe Ruth
This is such a no-brainer, I don't even feel the need to explain it. But I'll throw one interesting, but lesser-known stat out there. Ruth had 110 career stolen bases with the Yankees.
Honorable Mention: Reggie Jackson, Roger Maris, Paul O'Neil, Bobby Murcer, Hank Bauer
Catcher - Yogi Berra
Many people might only know Berra from his many "Yogi-isms", but the fact of the matter is that this guy could play. A 3-time American League MVP, Berra finished his Yankee career with an impressive 358 HR's. He was an 18-time All-Star and has a mind-boggling 13 World Series' rings. He is considered by many to be the greatest catcher ever to play the game.
Honorable Mention: Thurman Munson, Bill Dickey, Jorge Posada, Elston Howard
Starting Pitcher - Whitey Ford
Ford is the all-time wins leader for the Yanks with 236. With nearly 2000 career strikeouts and an impressive 2.75 ERA, Ford helped the Yankees win six championships. Although he didn't have an overpowering fastball, Ford had pinpoint control. His ability to remain calm in high pressure situations earned him the nickname "Chairman of the Board".
Honorable Mention: Andy Pettitte, Ron Guidry, Lefty Gomez, Red Ruffing,
Closer - Mariano Rivera
In a nut shell, the best closer in the history of the game. In baseball's live ball era, Rivera has an astonishing 2.20 ERA. When you see this guy taking the mound for the Yankees, the win is basically already in the books. The tremendous respect other players have for Rivera, tells you all you need to know about the man. A class act that any team would be lucky to have.
Honorable Mention: Dave Righetti, Goose Gossage, Sparky Lyle
..............................................................................................................................................
The thing that I find most intriguing about my picks is that four of them are active players (Cano, Jeter, Rodriguez and Rivera). That's pretty incredible considering all of the great players who have donned the pinstripes over the years. Two of these players are legitimate locks for the Hall of Fame (Jeter and Rivera). Although Rodriquez certainly has the numbers to qualify as a first-ballot inductee, he will likely be shunned by the sport writers the same way the Class of 2013 was. It may be a little early to pencil Robinson Cano into the Hall, but if he stays healthy for a few more years, I say he's in.
Perhaps true Yankee fans might find some flaws in my choices and that's perfectly understandable. However, considering that I am not a Yankee fan, I believe that I've made some pretty decent picks. And although I might not normally root for the Yanks, I can appreciate the tradition and the never-ending talent that comes through their organization. That's precisely why I took the time to write this....
kw
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
My All-Time O's Line-Up
I was talking with some friends the other night about the all-time greatest Baltimore Orioles. Although there were many great ones, putting them into any particular order is often harder than you would think. If you're basing it purely on something that is measurable, like statistics, then you can likely rank them in an agreeable order. However, the statistics don;t always tell the whole story.
So, for my all-time Oriole list, I will admit that I wasn't totally objective. I've based my list on statistics as well as the perception that I have of the player's impact on the game. I expect to get some arguments and disagreements from my fellow O's fans, but here is what I've come up with......
1st Base - Eddie Murray
Murray, in my opinion, was the best hitter in Oriole's history. No major league pitcher ever wanted to face Eddie when the game was on the line. He was a serious threat from either side of the plate and, hands-down, the best clutch hitter that I've ever seen. Belting out 343 HR's as an Oriole, he's second only to Cal Ripken on the all-time list. Murray was also very good with the glove as he won three consecutive Gold Glove Awards at 1st Base. It's amazing that Eddie never won an MVP award. He was runner-up in 1982 and 1983.
Honorable Mention: Jim Gentile, Boog Powell, Lee May, Rafael Palmiero
2nd Base - Roberto Alomar
I'll probably take some heat for this one, mainly because Alomar only played three seasons for the Birds. But during those three years, he had a huge impact. He helped propel the O's to a long-awaited trip back to the playoffs in '96 and '97. He was an above average switch-hitter and decent threat to steal a base. His defense was legendary, making him arguably the best defensive second baseman of all-time.
Honorable Mention: Brian Roberts, Bobby Grich
Shortstop - Cal Ripken Jr.
This one doesn't seem to need an explanation. But believe it or not, I have heard people argue that Ripken was over-rated and, if not for the consecutive games streak, he would be just another "decent" shortstop. Although he had more at-bats than the average player, Ripkens numbers speak for themselves. He's the Oriole's all-time leader in base-hits, doubles, homeruns and RBI's. He was also a brilliant defensive shortstop. Although he eventually won two Gold Gloves, he was often overlooked for some of the more flashy shortstops. For instance, in 1990, Ripken made only three errors all season, finishing with a mind-numbing .996 fielding percentage. But for some reason, the voters decided that Chicago's Ozzie Guillen was more deserving that particular year.
Honorable Mention: Luis Aparicio, Mike Bordick, Mark Belanger, JJ Hardy
3rd Base - Brooks Robinson
My personal all-time favorite baseball player, Brooks paved the road for the "Oriole way". Always had pop in his bat and he's considered by many to be the best defensive 3rd Baseman ever. Aside from what he did on the field, Brooks was a true gentleman and genuine role model that we all looked up to.
Honorable Mention: Doug DeCinces, Melvin Mora, Cal Ripken Jr., Miguel Tejada
Left Field - BJ Surhoff
Left field is perhaps the hardest position to pick a "best Oriole". There have have many players who have moved in and out of LF through the years. But the one who played the most consistently and I believe is worthy if the title is Surhoff. The guy was a hard-nosed player reminiscent of Pete Rose. He played baseball that way it was supposed to be played.
Honorable Mention: Gary Roenicke, John Lowenstein, Mike Devereaux
Center Field - Paul Blair
Blair, an eight-time Gold Glover, was like a gazelle in center field. His offensive numbers may not have been great, but Blair's presence in the line up was felt. He had occasional power and decent speed. He was instrumental in Baltimore's '66 and '70 Championship seasons.
Honorable Mention: Adam Jones, Al Bumbry, Brady Anderson
Right Field - Frank Robinson
Frank Robinson was probably the player who was most responsible for initiating the Oriole's run of successful seasons. Joining the team in 1966, he won the Triple Crown and led the Orioles to their very first Championship season. An incredible player all the way around.
Honorable Mention: Ken Singleton, Nick Markakis
Catcher - Chris Hoiles
Hoiles was a good defensive catcher with plenty of pop in his bat. He played his whole career for the O's (1989-1998) finishing up with 151 homeruns. Hoiles was also one of the few players who hit very well off of fire-baller Randy Johnson.
Honorable Mention: Matt Wieters, Rick Dempsey
Designated Hitter - Ken Singleton
The DH is tricky because at some point, almost any American League player can find themselves serving this role. But I'm going to pick Ken Singleton here. The guy was a solid hitter with respectable power. He is still in the Oriole's top 10 list for hits.
Honorable Mention: Harold Baines
Designated Hitter - Ken Singleton
The DH is tricky because at some point, almost any American League player can find themselves serving this role. But I'm going to pick Ken Singleton here. The guy was a solid hitter with respectable power. He is still in the Oriole's top 10 list for hits.
Honorable Mention: Harold Baines
Starting Pitcher - Jim Palmer
No surprise here. Palmer is the all-time wins leader (268) for the O's. There will never be another pitcher like him in Baltimore. He had eight 20-win seasons and won the Cy Young Award three times. He was also an excellent fielder at his position, earning four Gold Gloves. Among his impressive feats, he's the youngest player (age 20) to pitch a shutout in a World Series game and he's the only pitcher ever to win a World series game in three different decades. Palmer also had 211 (no, that's not a typo) complete games during his career. And perhaps even most astonishing, in 19 years, Palmer never gave up a Grand Slam!
Honorable Mention: Dave McNally, Mike Cuellar, Mike Mussina, Milt Pappas, Robin Roberts, Mike Flanagan, Scott McGregor
Closing Pitcher - Gregg Olson
The all-time saves leader for the O's, Olson knew how to get it done. He had decent heat but his curveball, at times, looked like an optical illusion. Opposing batters would practically jump out of the way as Olson's breaking ball eventually made it's way over the meaty part of the plate. I used to love watching this guy pitch!
Honorable Mention: Tippy Martinez, Randy Myers, Stu Miller, Jim Johnson
............................................................................................................................
Again, these choices are my personal opinions which I based on statistics along with my personal recollections of these players. When you factor in your personal feelings, there are legitimate arguments for many different scenarios. In the past, I have debated these things for hours in length at bars, ballgames, parties, etc. I have no doubt that I'll be talking about it again before long......
kw
Friday, July 26, 2013
A Day at Mount Vernon
Living near Baltimore, you never have to go very far to experience our nation's history. From nearby Fort McHenry to popular day-trip destinations like Gettysburg, Harper's Ferry or even downtown Washington DC, there is no shortage of historical sites.
Yesterday, Tina and I decided to take a ride to Mount Vernon, VA to visit George Washington's famous home. It was only about an hour drive and the weather was perfect. The road leading into Mount Vernon is quite relaxing as it runs alongside of the Potomac River. There was a lot of outdoor activity with bicyclists and joggers, so you have to keep alert.
We arrived at the site around lunchtime and we were ready to eat. We walked into the first place that we saw, appropriately named the Mount Vernon Inn Restaurant. It was an old style restaurant that reminded us something you might see in historic Annapolis or Ellicott City. Deciding not to wait for a traditional table, we grabbed the last two vacant seats at the small bar. We both got a soup and sandwich combo. Surprising, even to myself, I ordered a root beer instead of my usual alcohol-laced variety. The sandwiches were very good, however the soup was a Virginia Peanut & Chestnut concoction. Apparently, it's a popular choice in these parts. But I have to tell you, I didn't like it at all. It had a very thick consistency and was very rich. It was loaded with peanuts and chestnuts which instantly put my tatstebuds into a state of utter confusion. Not wanting to insult the establishment, I finished the whole bowl. But I can promise you, that's the last time I'll ever eat Virginia (or any other state's) Peanut and Chestnut Soup.
Moving on to the main event...
I got in line to purchase tickets. Directly in front of me was a man and his hyperactive daughter. She kept jumping around and bumping into people as he uselessly kept repeating, "Stop! How many times to do I have to tell you?!"
We eventually made our way to the mansion which sat on a large hill overlooking the Potomac. Joining a growing line of people, we snaked our way through the building. Although the house itself was very large, the individual rooms were quite small. It was hard to imagine George Washington hosting foreign dignitaries in a living room that was smaller than most modern-day living rooms. As we made our way past the front foyer, I couldn't help but envision John Adams or Ben Franklin knocking at the front door 250 years ago.
As we made our way upstairs, we walked past the various bedrooms. George and Martha's bedroom was at the end of the house. Although Washington was a larger man for the time, standing at 6' 2", his bed was about the size of a modern day futon. I also found it interesting that the canopy-style bed was enclosed in mosquito netting.
In each section of the house, there was a tour guide who would give you information and tell interesting stories about the particular room and it's objects. I'm always amazed at the detail of some of the architecture. Although he framing could be rather rough, the carvings in some of the moldings are beyond impressive. Considering that everything was done by hand back then makes it even more mind-boggling.
We made our way out of the house and began to explore the rest of the plantation. The property is rather rocky and hilly, so expect to get a nice workout. I'd highly recommend that you wear a comfortable pair of walking shoes.
One of the more interesting structures was the slave quarters. During Washington's time at Mount Vernon, the majority of the work was done by a large number of slaves. We visited one of the living quarters which was about the size of a modern day kitchen. Although it was hard to believe, we were told that up to 12 servants would have lived in this small place.
To give our legs a rest from several hours of walking, we took a 45-minute boat cruise along the Potomac River. I thought it would have been a little more informative, but nonetheless, it was relaxing.
After making our final rounds of the plantation, we headed back to the entrance area where we toured the museum and education center. Here, we found various pieces of Washington;s time at Mount Vernon. One of the more interesting pieces was the original set of George Washington's false teeth, Contrary to popular belief, there were not made of wood. They were actually made of ivory and animal teeth. As you can see from the photo, they were were not very attractive. If this was what the father of our country's teeth looked like, can you imagine what the average person's looked like?
Browsing through the various exhibits, I became a bit annoyed at some of the kids who seemed to think that the museum was their personal playground. First off, let me just say that I think it's great to introduce your kids, especially at a young age, to our history. However, it's very inconsiderate to let your kids run wild and randomly scream when people are trying to absorb everything.
We finally finished up our visit and made our inevitable trip to the gift shop. Years ago, Tina and I started a tradition of picking up three specific things whenever we visit somewhere new: a coffee mug, a Christmas tree ornament and a refrigerator magnet. Once that mission was completed, so was our visit to Mount Vernon. A very enjoyable way to spend a day......
kw
We arrived at the site around lunchtime and we were ready to eat. We walked into the first place that we saw, appropriately named the Mount Vernon Inn Restaurant. It was an old style restaurant that reminded us something you might see in historic Annapolis or Ellicott City. Deciding not to wait for a traditional table, we grabbed the last two vacant seats at the small bar. We both got a soup and sandwich combo. Surprising, even to myself, I ordered a root beer instead of my usual alcohol-laced variety. The sandwiches were very good, however the soup was a Virginia Peanut & Chestnut concoction. Apparently, it's a popular choice in these parts. But I have to tell you, I didn't like it at all. It had a very thick consistency and was very rich. It was loaded with peanuts and chestnuts which instantly put my tatstebuds into a state of utter confusion. Not wanting to insult the establishment, I finished the whole bowl. But I can promise you, that's the last time I'll ever eat Virginia (or any other state's) Peanut and Chestnut Soup.
Moving on to the main event...
I got in line to purchase tickets. Directly in front of me was a man and his hyperactive daughter. She kept jumping around and bumping into people as he uselessly kept repeating, "Stop! How many times to do I have to tell you?!"
We eventually made our way to the mansion which sat on a large hill overlooking the Potomac. Joining a growing line of people, we snaked our way through the building. Although the house itself was very large, the individual rooms were quite small. It was hard to imagine George Washington hosting foreign dignitaries in a living room that was smaller than most modern-day living rooms. As we made our way past the front foyer, I couldn't help but envision John Adams or Ben Franklin knocking at the front door 250 years ago.
As we made our way upstairs, we walked past the various bedrooms. George and Martha's bedroom was at the end of the house. Although Washington was a larger man for the time, standing at 6' 2", his bed was about the size of a modern day futon. I also found it interesting that the canopy-style bed was enclosed in mosquito netting.
In each section of the house, there was a tour guide who would give you information and tell interesting stories about the particular room and it's objects. I'm always amazed at the detail of some of the architecture. Although he framing could be rather rough, the carvings in some of the moldings are beyond impressive. Considering that everything was done by hand back then makes it even more mind-boggling.
We made our way out of the house and began to explore the rest of the plantation. The property is rather rocky and hilly, so expect to get a nice workout. I'd highly recommend that you wear a comfortable pair of walking shoes.
One of the more interesting structures was the slave quarters. During Washington's time at Mount Vernon, the majority of the work was done by a large number of slaves. We visited one of the living quarters which was about the size of a modern day kitchen. Although it was hard to believe, we were told that up to 12 servants would have lived in this small place.
To give our legs a rest from several hours of walking, we took a 45-minute boat cruise along the Potomac River. I thought it would have been a little more informative, but nonetheless, it was relaxing.
After making our final rounds of the plantation, we headed back to the entrance area where we toured the museum and education center. Here, we found various pieces of Washington;s time at Mount Vernon. One of the more interesting pieces was the original set of George Washington's false teeth, Contrary to popular belief, there were not made of wood. They were actually made of ivory and animal teeth. As you can see from the photo, they were were not very attractive. If this was what the father of our country's teeth looked like, can you imagine what the average person's looked like?Browsing through the various exhibits, I became a bit annoyed at some of the kids who seemed to think that the museum was their personal playground. First off, let me just say that I think it's great to introduce your kids, especially at a young age, to our history. However, it's very inconsiderate to let your kids run wild and randomly scream when people are trying to absorb everything.
We finally finished up our visit and made our inevitable trip to the gift shop. Years ago, Tina and I started a tradition of picking up three specific things whenever we visit somewhere new: a coffee mug, a Christmas tree ornament and a refrigerator magnet. Once that mission was completed, so was our visit to Mount Vernon. A very enjoyable way to spend a day......
kw
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
The Loud Table Next Door
Most people talk at a normal volume which allows for sufficient communication for a private conversation. However, there are some people who seem to have absolutely no control over their verbal volume knob.
Case in point, last night we're at a local bar for Trivia night. There are about eight people at the table directly behind us. I could tell from the very beginning that things might get a little loud. There was one guy on the end who was decked out in Oriole's apparel. He was fairly quiet until the O's game came on around 8:00. Once the game started, he instantly transitioned into a loud, obnoxious play-by-play announcer. With every play, he would scream at one of the barroom TV's, "COME ON, MACHADO!! YOU GOTTA SCORE ON THAT PLAY!
Then on the very next play, he would yell, "WHAT ARE YOU SWINGING AT, NICK?!! WAIT FOR YOUR PITCH, DAMMIT!! COME ON, MAN! THINK!!"
Keep in mind, this guy was sitting about three feet away from me with his chair turned sideways. So, when he yelled, he was basically screaming right into my ear. I found myself nearly jumping out of my seat every time he critiqued a play. It was like someone jumping out from a dark corner and yelling "BOO!" every 30 seconds. I'm really surprised that I didn't have a heart attack by the end of the night.
If that wasn't bad enough, there were several women at the table who had these shrill, piercing laughs. One woman, who for some reason stood up all night, must have been a wannabe comedian. From her heightened position, her voice would blast past us and then hit the wall behind us, causing a boomerang effect that nearly decapitated our entire team. She would blast a comment and the rest of the women at the table would cackle like a group of hungry hyenas. Meanwhile, my team is busy trying to come up with the correct answer to the current trivia question. But it was all but impossible with the skull-splitting commotion coming from table next-door.
The worst part is that the women seemed to be in competition with one another over who could be the most witty (and unfortunately for us, the loudest!). When one of them said something, they rest of the table would screech in approval at an unnatural decibel level. And then, at the first opportunity, another one would chime in which would inevitably cause the group to howl even louder. I swear, at one point, I thought my ear drums were going to explode! And the whole time, the Oriole guy seemed to be oblivious to the whole thing as he screamed, "COME ON, ADAM! QUIT SWINGING' AT BALLS IN THE DIRT!!"
What made matters worse, as loud and obnoxious as these individuals were, they were also very good at trivia. My team had missed only two questions all night, but impressively, the loud table was still ahead of us. I'd be lying if I said that it didn't piss me off. Adding insult to injury, every time they got an answer right, they would give each other high-fives and wail at the top of their lungs. I thought for sure that the glass beer mugs behind the bar would shatter at some point!
All of this kind of reminded me of a scenario from when I used to bowl. There would always be at least one bowling team who would bring one of those air horns that looked like a can of spray paint. When someone on their team got a strike, they would let loose with a blast of the horn. It used to annoy the hell out of me. But, given the choice between the air horn or the group of cackling hens from last night, I'll take the air horn every time.
Towards the end of the night, my buddy Kevin left for an extended visit to the men's room. When he eventually got back, I figured it was just the nachos that had finally taken their toll on his digestive system. But he informed me that his stomach was fine and that he had only retreated to the men's room for some much needed peace and quiet. Yep, I'd say that pretty much summed it up......
kw
Case in point, last night we're at a local bar for Trivia night. There are about eight people at the table directly behind us. I could tell from the very beginning that things might get a little loud. There was one guy on the end who was decked out in Oriole's apparel. He was fairly quiet until the O's game came on around 8:00. Once the game started, he instantly transitioned into a loud, obnoxious play-by-play announcer. With every play, he would scream at one of the barroom TV's, "COME ON, MACHADO!! YOU GOTTA SCORE ON THAT PLAY!
Then on the very next play, he would yell, "WHAT ARE YOU SWINGING AT, NICK?!! WAIT FOR YOUR PITCH, DAMMIT!! COME ON, MAN! THINK!!"
Keep in mind, this guy was sitting about three feet away from me with his chair turned sideways. So, when he yelled, he was basically screaming right into my ear. I found myself nearly jumping out of my seat every time he critiqued a play. It was like someone jumping out from a dark corner and yelling "BOO!" every 30 seconds. I'm really surprised that I didn't have a heart attack by the end of the night.
If that wasn't bad enough, there were several women at the table who had these shrill, piercing laughs. One woman, who for some reason stood up all night, must have been a wannabe comedian. From her heightened position, her voice would blast past us and then hit the wall behind us, causing a boomerang effect that nearly decapitated our entire team. She would blast a comment and the rest of the women at the table would cackle like a group of hungry hyenas. Meanwhile, my team is busy trying to come up with the correct answer to the current trivia question. But it was all but impossible with the skull-splitting commotion coming from table next-door.
The worst part is that the women seemed to be in competition with one another over who could be the most witty (and unfortunately for us, the loudest!). When one of them said something, they rest of the table would screech in approval at an unnatural decibel level. And then, at the first opportunity, another one would chime in which would inevitably cause the group to howl even louder. I swear, at one point, I thought my ear drums were going to explode! And the whole time, the Oriole guy seemed to be oblivious to the whole thing as he screamed, "COME ON, ADAM! QUIT SWINGING' AT BALLS IN THE DIRT!!"
What made matters worse, as loud and obnoxious as these individuals were, they were also very good at trivia. My team had missed only two questions all night, but impressively, the loud table was still ahead of us. I'd be lying if I said that it didn't piss me off. Adding insult to injury, every time they got an answer right, they would give each other high-fives and wail at the top of their lungs. I thought for sure that the glass beer mugs behind the bar would shatter at some point!
All of this kind of reminded me of a scenario from when I used to bowl. There would always be at least one bowling team who would bring one of those air horns that looked like a can of spray paint. When someone on their team got a strike, they would let loose with a blast of the horn. It used to annoy the hell out of me. But, given the choice between the air horn or the group of cackling hens from last night, I'll take the air horn every time.
Towards the end of the night, my buddy Kevin left for an extended visit to the men's room. When he eventually got back, I figured it was just the nachos that had finally taken their toll on his digestive system. But he informed me that his stomach was fine and that he had only retreated to the men's room for some much needed peace and quiet. Yep, I'd say that pretty much summed it up......
kw
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Do I Have A Disease or Am I Just Fat?
There was a time, many years and many pounds ago, that getting dressed was a rather uneventful thing. But lately, when I put my clothes on, it's a 50/50 shot whether they'll fit comfortably or cut my circulation off. It's certainly understandable since I've packed on about 20 pounds over the past couple of years. But at the same time, it's rather depressing.
But a month or so ago, I saw a news segment where a doctor was explaining that weight gain and obesity aren't necessarily the fault of the individual. Instead, to my surprise and delight, he said that obesity is now considered a disease. Instantly, I felt the guilt leave my oversize body. My fondness for craft-brewed ales and Chesapeake Bay chicken wings would no longer be attributed the my expanding waistline. It's the "obesity disease" that's at fault and I just happen to be it's latest victim.
I used to work out at the gym several times a week, I was in much better shape and had a smaller waist size back then. But over the past couple of years, I go to the gym about as often a kid gets out of the pool to pee. So, it might seem logical to blame my absent workouts to my weight gain. But I can't take personal responsibility here. That would be unfair. After all, I've got a disease.
Over the years, I've met a lot of people of all shapes and sizes. I'm now wondering if I caught obesity from someone else. Maybe I caught it from shaking hands with an infected person? Now that I think about it, there was a large-framed guy that I worked with years ago. He would routinely eat an 18-inch pizza and wash it down with a 12-pack of Bud Ice. As a result, he displayed all of the outward signs of the disease. It's very possible that I caught obesity from him.
In today's society, there's never a shortage of someone or something to blame.Obesity is the latest example. Are there cases where a person really can't help being overweight? Sure, there are. But in most cases, obesity is the result of bad personal eating choices and a lack of exercise. If you take in 5000 calories a day but only burn 500, you're going to gain weight. Plain and simple. But advocates will will argue that dismissing obesity as a disease because it can be caused by poor lifestyle choices is like saying that lung cancer isn't a disease because it can be caused by excessive cigarette smoking.
By overeating and boycotting the gym, I will inevitably gain weight. Therefore, according to the American Medical Association, I have a disease called obesity. Now, what happens if I change my diet to fish and alfalfa sprouts and start working out like an illegal immigrant on a roofing job? I will most likely see a noticeable weight loss. Is that some kind of disease too? Is my body now free of all of those obesity cells?
This whole thing is a bit confusing and I don't know what to believe anymore. But just to be safe, if you ever run into me at a bar or restaurant, don't get too close or you might get fat....
kw
Thursday, July 18, 2013
The Zimmerman Verdict - The Aftermath
On Saturday evening, we finally got the highly anticipated verdict from the George Zimmerman trial. Of course, he was found not guilty on all counts. Although, I think the jury got it right, I am surprised that they didn't at least find him guilty of something. I thought the last minute manslaughter charge may have stuck. But the trial is over and George Zimmerman is now a free man.
Not surprising, the jury's decision has left many with a feeling of injustice. Although rioting has been minimal, there is still a push for further investigation into what led to Trayvon Martin's death. I guess sixteen months wasn't enough time to get all of the facts sorted out?
Before I go any further, let me make a few things clear. First off, I am truly sorry that a 17-year kid died in this situation. Whether or not Zimmerman acted in self defense, there were likely opportunities on both sides to avert the tragic ending. Secondly, I feel really bad for Trayvon's parents. They seem like good people and considering the tremendous loss that they must be feeling, they've handled things well throughout this whole ordeal.
With that being said, I find some of the reactions to the verdict appalling as well as hypocritical. The riots and violence in Oakland (or as the left likes to call it, "civil unrest") are inexcusable. What's the point? Most of these dimwits probably couldn't care less about the Zimmerman verdict. They just use it as an excuse to act like assholes.
Not surprising, the jury's decision has left many with a feeling of injustice. Although rioting has been minimal, there is still a push for further investigation into what led to Trayvon Martin's death. I guess sixteen months wasn't enough time to get all of the facts sorted out?
Before I go any further, let me make a few things clear. First off, I am truly sorry that a 17-year kid died in this situation. Whether or not Zimmerman acted in self defense, there were likely opportunities on both sides to avert the tragic ending. Secondly, I feel really bad for Trayvon's parents. They seem like good people and considering the tremendous loss that they must be feeling, they've handled things well throughout this whole ordeal.
With that being said, I find some of the reactions to the verdict appalling as well as hypocritical. The riots and violence in Oakland (or as the left likes to call it, "civil unrest") are inexcusable. What's the point? Most of these dimwits probably couldn't care less about the Zimmerman verdict. They just use it as an excuse to act like assholes.
Speaking of assholes, Jesse Jackson is now calling on a national investigation on the "racial context" that led to Trayvon's death. Cutting through the bullshit, he's basically saying that Zimmerman singled out Trayvon because he happened to be black. Additionally, Jackson is also calling on the UN's Human Rights Commission for an in-depth investigation on whether the US is upholding it's obligations under international human rights laws. Is this guy serious? The UN's HRC is made up of countries such as Cuba, China, Libya and Saudi Arabia. These countries care as much about human rights as Super Jesse does about racial harmony. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Mauritania, a country in West Africa where slavery still exists, is also part of this compassionate human rights group.
Moving on, Stevie Wonder announced this week that he will be boycotting Florida in protest of the Zimmerman verdict giving the impression that he's not only visually impaired, but mentally impaired as well.
Attorney General Eric Holder spoke in front of the NAACP a few days ago. He basically kissed their ass while assuring them that the Justice Department would dig a little deeper into the Zimmerman situation. I guess that whole double jeopardy thing doesn't apply anymore? I wonder if the Justice Department is going to do this every time there's an unpopular jury decision?
Scanning the social media sites, I saw where liberals were talking about the "right-wing nut jobs" who were viewing George Zimmerman as their new hero. Funny, I haven't seen any of this myself. However, I have seen many people who think that justice was served, But I didn't see any celebrations like I did when OJ Simpson was found not guilty. To sum this all up, if you celebrated OJ's acquittal but feel the need to protest over the Zimmerman verdict, you are:
a) a hypocrite
b) a racist
c) an idiot
d) all of the above
Although we may have differing opinions on the circumstances and the outcome of the trial, I think we should all be able to agree that there are no winners here. The protests and racially charged sideshows, in my opinion, are only making a bad situation much worse. The protests will not bring Trayvon Martin back nor will it change the jury's verdict, Perhaps the energy of these protesters would be better served in places like Baltimore and Chicago where young black men are senselessly killed every day.
kw
Scanning the social media sites, I saw where liberals were talking about the "right-wing nut jobs" who were viewing George Zimmerman as their new hero. Funny, I haven't seen any of this myself. However, I have seen many people who think that justice was served, But I didn't see any celebrations like I did when OJ Simpson was found not guilty. To sum this all up, if you celebrated OJ's acquittal but feel the need to protest over the Zimmerman verdict, you are:
a) a hypocrite
b) a racist
c) an idiot
d) all of the above
Although we may have differing opinions on the circumstances and the outcome of the trial, I think we should all be able to agree that there are no winners here. The protests and racially charged sideshows, in my opinion, are only making a bad situation much worse. The protests will not bring Trayvon Martin back nor will it change the jury's verdict, Perhaps the energy of these protesters would be better served in places like Baltimore and Chicago where young black men are senselessly killed every day.
kw
Friday, July 12, 2013
The Zimmerman Verdict - Deja Vu All Over Again?
Following both sides of the courtroom arguments from the George Zimmerman trial, it would seem likely that America's most infamous "white-Hispanic" will be found not guilty of second-degree murder. Sensing this, the defense has now successfully pushed for an additional manslaughter charge against Zimmerman. This struck me as a bit odd as it's usually the defense who will plea down to a lesser charge.
With the imminent conclusion of the trial, people continue to speculate what type of reaction will follow the jury's verdict. Police departments in Florida have already begun preparations in the event riots should break out after a Zimmerman not-guilty decision. One local police department has even started running public service ads encouraging people not to go burning the city down. And the Miami-Dade PD has been readying "First Amendment Zones". Isn't the whole country a First Amendment Zone?
Adding to this craziness, our politically correct society often walks on eggshells during times like this. So, instead of saying "riot" or "senseless violence", we candy-coat it it by calling it "civil unrest" or a "mass protest". It's almost like we're supposed to excuse, or even accept, this criminal nonsense.
And let's not forget that the Sanford Police Department originally determined that there wasn't enough evidence to charge George Zimmerman. It was only after the media stirred up a story of a "white man" gunning down a innocent black teen, along with heavy political pressure, that Zimmerman was even put on trial. Also, note that there was no traditional Grand Jury indictment of Zimmerman. This process was bypassed by the special prosecutor in this case. Technically, this is legal because Zimmerman was "only" being charged with 2nd degree murder. However, there is little doubt that political pressure was the real reason that the special prosecutor decided to bypass the Grand Jury. When the President himself chimes in on the case and says that "if he had a son, he would look like Trayvon", you know that things have gotten political. The point that I'm trying to make is that, due to public outcry and pressure, George Zimmerman was indeed put on trial. So, shouldn't we let justice take it's course and accept the outcome at this point?
This bizarre scenario brings back recent memories of both the Rodney King and OJ Simpson incidents. Along the same lines as these two infamous trials, race has been a major factor in the Zimmerman trial. The media stirred things up from the beginning by describing Zimmerman as a "white man". This automatically perked up the ears of the usual race hustlers. And throughout the trial, there have been numerous attempts to portray Zimmerman as an aggressive racist. Personally, when I see the defense playing the race card, it tells me that they probably don't have much of a case. Let's face it, OJ Simpson walked away from a double murder because the defense team made the LAPD (most notably, Mark Furman) out to be racists. Ironically, Simpson, a black man, murdered two white people in this case.
After the verdicts of the LAPD/Rodney King and OJ Simpson trials, we saw two completely different reactions. When the four LAPD cops were acquitted of police brutality against Rodney King, all hell broke loose around LA. The media doesn't like to report it, but 53 people were killed and over 2000 were injured in the LA riots of 1992. Who can ever forget the images of Reginald Denny being pulled from his truck and having his skull bashed in by four thugs. Where was the public outrage on that graphic display of senseless violence and blatant racism?
At the conclusion of the OJ Simpson trial, there were also concerns about violent reactions in the event that Simpson was found guilty. Of course, Simpson wasn't found guilty. And as a result, there were no reports of violence. In fact, many blacks reacted quite differently and actually celebrated. I saw it firsthand. You would have thought that the Orioles had just won the World Series. What the hell was there to celebrate? The guy had just walked away from a double murder!
So, here we are, once again, trying to predict what will happen at the outcome of another racially charged and highly publicized trial. Although, we've seen opposing scenarios in the past, you can never quite predict how these things will pan out. If Zimmerman walks, will there be a violent outburst in Sanford reminiscent of LA in 1992? Or if Zimmerman happens to be found guilty, will this be reason to strike up the band and start dancing in the street?
Ideally, I hope there's a satisfactory outcome for all. But somehow, I don't see that happening....
kw
With the imminent conclusion of the trial, people continue to speculate what type of reaction will follow the jury's verdict. Police departments in Florida have already begun preparations in the event riots should break out after a Zimmerman not-guilty decision. One local police department has even started running public service ads encouraging people not to go burning the city down. And the Miami-Dade PD has been readying "First Amendment Zones". Isn't the whole country a First Amendment Zone?
Adding to this craziness, our politically correct society often walks on eggshells during times like this. So, instead of saying "riot" or "senseless violence", we candy-coat it it by calling it "civil unrest" or a "mass protest". It's almost like we're supposed to excuse, or even accept, this criminal nonsense.
And let's not forget that the Sanford Police Department originally determined that there wasn't enough evidence to charge George Zimmerman. It was only after the media stirred up a story of a "white man" gunning down a innocent black teen, along with heavy political pressure, that Zimmerman was even put on trial. Also, note that there was no traditional Grand Jury indictment of Zimmerman. This process was bypassed by the special prosecutor in this case. Technically, this is legal because Zimmerman was "only" being charged with 2nd degree murder. However, there is little doubt that political pressure was the real reason that the special prosecutor decided to bypass the Grand Jury. When the President himself chimes in on the case and says that "if he had a son, he would look like Trayvon", you know that things have gotten political. The point that I'm trying to make is that, due to public outcry and pressure, George Zimmerman was indeed put on trial. So, shouldn't we let justice take it's course and accept the outcome at this point?
This bizarre scenario brings back recent memories of both the Rodney King and OJ Simpson incidents. Along the same lines as these two infamous trials, race has been a major factor in the Zimmerman trial. The media stirred things up from the beginning by describing Zimmerman as a "white man". This automatically perked up the ears of the usual race hustlers. And throughout the trial, there have been numerous attempts to portray Zimmerman as an aggressive racist. Personally, when I see the defense playing the race card, it tells me that they probably don't have much of a case. Let's face it, OJ Simpson walked away from a double murder because the defense team made the LAPD (most notably, Mark Furman) out to be racists. Ironically, Simpson, a black man, murdered two white people in this case.
After the verdicts of the LAPD/Rodney King and OJ Simpson trials, we saw two completely different reactions. When the four LAPD cops were acquitted of police brutality against Rodney King, all hell broke loose around LA. The media doesn't like to report it, but 53 people were killed and over 2000 were injured in the LA riots of 1992. Who can ever forget the images of Reginald Denny being pulled from his truck and having his skull bashed in by four thugs. Where was the public outrage on that graphic display of senseless violence and blatant racism?
At the conclusion of the OJ Simpson trial, there were also concerns about violent reactions in the event that Simpson was found guilty. Of course, Simpson wasn't found guilty. And as a result, there were no reports of violence. In fact, many blacks reacted quite differently and actually celebrated. I saw it firsthand. You would have thought that the Orioles had just won the World Series. What the hell was there to celebrate? The guy had just walked away from a double murder!
So, here we are, once again, trying to predict what will happen at the outcome of another racially charged and highly publicized trial. Although, we've seen opposing scenarios in the past, you can never quite predict how these things will pan out. If Zimmerman walks, will there be a violent outburst in Sanford reminiscent of LA in 1992? Or if Zimmerman happens to be found guilty, will this be reason to strike up the band and start dancing in the street?
Ideally, I hope there's a satisfactory outcome for all. But somehow, I don't see that happening....
kw
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Endless Baseball Stats
As I'm watching the Orioles/Yankees game this afternoon, I can't help but notice the never-ending statistics that are associated with modern day baseball. As each new stat rolls in, I find myself saying, "How do the come up with this crap??" You practically need a masters degree from M.I.T. to understand some of these things.
Day games vs. night games. Fast balls vs. breaking balls. Home games vs. away games. Straight hats vs. crooked hats. Where does it end?
Here's some banter that you might hear from the announcers during the course of an average ball game:
(Announcer) Joe: Adam Jones comes to the plate with a runner on second base.
(Announcer) Scott: Great observation, Joe. Adam is batting .282 with runners in scoring position. However, when the runner happens to be on second, the average goes up to .291.
Joe: Good point, Scottie. When you factor in road games on natural grass, Jonesy is batting and impressive .315. However, this is only when he has less than two strikes. Once he reaches two strikes, the averages dips to .243.
Scott: Speaking of dipping, did you know that Chris Davis has .745 slugging percentage when he comes to the plate with a large wad of tobacco under his bottom lip?
Joe: No, I didn't know that, Scott. Very interesting.
Scott: Even more interesting is that when Davis gets tobacco juice on home plate, he grounds out to the first baseman 75% of the time.
Joe: So, what you're saying is that Davis should keep the juice off of home plate? Or perhaps he should have the umpire clean it before each pitch?
Scott: It would seem to make sense, Joe. But taking it a little further, when Davis happens to spray the opposing catcher with tobacco juice, his home run percentage doubles. So, it would probably make more sense to spit on the catcher before each pitch.
Joe: (laughing) I don't know about that one, Scott. I think the opposing team might have something to say about it!
Scott: Oh, no doubt. But Davis has developed a technique where he can stream a wad of juice out of the corner of his mouth while the pitcher is in full wind-up. It's a trick that would make David Copperfield jealous. The umpire never sees it! And, amazingly, the catcher never knows what hit him. Meanwhile, Davis is busy rounding the bases after crushing one over the center-field fence.
Joe: (laughing harder) I guess you could say things can go from "Splat!" to "Boom!" in a hurry!
Scott: Yes indeed, Joe. But keep in mind, this only applies to night games......
kw
Day games vs. night games. Fast balls vs. breaking balls. Home games vs. away games. Straight hats vs. crooked hats. Where does it end?
Here's some banter that you might hear from the announcers during the course of an average ball game:
(Announcer) Joe: Adam Jones comes to the plate with a runner on second base.
(Announcer) Scott: Great observation, Joe. Adam is batting .282 with runners in scoring position. However, when the runner happens to be on second, the average goes up to .291.
Joe: Good point, Scottie. When you factor in road games on natural grass, Jonesy is batting and impressive .315. However, this is only when he has less than two strikes. Once he reaches two strikes, the averages dips to .243.
Scott: Speaking of dipping, did you know that Chris Davis has .745 slugging percentage when he comes to the plate with a large wad of tobacco under his bottom lip?
Joe: No, I didn't know that, Scott. Very interesting.
Scott: Even more interesting is that when Davis gets tobacco juice on home plate, he grounds out to the first baseman 75% of the time.
Joe: So, what you're saying is that Davis should keep the juice off of home plate? Or perhaps he should have the umpire clean it before each pitch?
Scott: It would seem to make sense, Joe. But taking it a little further, when Davis happens to spray the opposing catcher with tobacco juice, his home run percentage doubles. So, it would probably make more sense to spit on the catcher before each pitch.
Joe: (laughing) I don't know about that one, Scott. I think the opposing team might have something to say about it!
Scott: Oh, no doubt. But Davis has developed a technique where he can stream a wad of juice out of the corner of his mouth while the pitcher is in full wind-up. It's a trick that would make David Copperfield jealous. The umpire never sees it! And, amazingly, the catcher never knows what hit him. Meanwhile, Davis is busy rounding the bases after crushing one over the center-field fence.
Joe: (laughing harder) I guess you could say things can go from "Splat!" to "Boom!" in a hurry!
Scott: Yes indeed, Joe. But keep in mind, this only applies to night games......
kw
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Is Baltimore Really Getting Safer?
Over the past week or so, the city of Baltimore has resembled a war zone with roughly 40 separate shootings taking place. It's quite amazing to me that this kind of thing still goes on in a "civilized" society. We can point the fingers and try to come up with the reasons why, but it doesn't change the fact that people continue to bleed on the streets of Baltimore almost daily.
I find it almost laughable when I see city "leaders" get in front of the TV cameras and attempt to feed us a line of bullshit about how violent crime is down. During a recent community walk through east Baltimore, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake told us that "violence is slowing down and we continue to make progress". She can't possibly be serious. Can she?
Washington DC, once called the "Murder Capital of the US", has reported 40 murders so far this year. By comparison, with roughly the same population, Baltimore's murder total is 117. So, Baltimore has almost three times as many murder victims as the "murder capital of the US". But we're being told that the violence is "slowing down"? And take New York City, which has a population of roughly 8.3 million people. Although NYC's population is over ten times greater than Baltimore's, it's murder rate is only slightly higher at 154. Kind of put things in perspective, doesn't it?
To be fair, Baltimore's "leaders" will sometimes acknowledge that there is indeed a major crime crime. But it's often followed by a bunch of lame excuses or even worse, a political agenda. I've heard some of these folks get up on their soapboxes and tell us that "gun violence" is the problem. Wow, what a f*cking revelation! Of course, this is usually followed up by a call to get guns off the street. And then the politicians will pass sweeping gun control laws to prevent people like you and me from protecting ourselves from that very same gun violence. Of course, the same assholes that pass these laws are often accompanied by their own armed security people. Kind of funny how that works.
I have driven through parts of Baltimore at various times of the day and I can tell you firsthand that is not a safe place. I used to think that the tourist areas, like the Inner Harbor, were off limits to the criminal element. But those places have proven to have their own issues over recent years. I started to walk through the Inner Harbor area after a concert at Pier Six a couple of years ago. I wound up turning around as I approached what looked like a group of young gang members. There is no way this should ever happen in the "bread and butter" district of a major city.
And just last year, a young tourist was robbed and knocked unconscious by a group of young thugs right in front of one of the downtown courthouses near City Hall. As the victim lay on the ground, the group robbed him off his wallet, car keys and i-Pod. If that wasn't bad enough, they further humiliated him by stripping him of his clothes, recording it and then posting the video online. That should really make people want to come to "Charm City", huh? The police commissioner quickly dismissed any allegations of a "hate crime" even though the victim was white and all of the attackers happened to be black. He then went on to candy-coat this brutality by describing it as "drunken, opportunistic criminality". With idiotic comments like that, is there any wonder why crime is out of control in Baltimore?
kw
I find it almost laughable when I see city "leaders" get in front of the TV cameras and attempt to feed us a line of bullshit about how violent crime is down. During a recent community walk through east Baltimore, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake told us that "violence is slowing down and we continue to make progress". She can't possibly be serious. Can she?
Washington DC, once called the "Murder Capital of the US", has reported 40 murders so far this year. By comparison, with roughly the same population, Baltimore's murder total is 117. So, Baltimore has almost three times as many murder victims as the "murder capital of the US". But we're being told that the violence is "slowing down"? And take New York City, which has a population of roughly 8.3 million people. Although NYC's population is over ten times greater than Baltimore's, it's murder rate is only slightly higher at 154. Kind of put things in perspective, doesn't it?
To be fair, Baltimore's "leaders" will sometimes acknowledge that there is indeed a major crime crime. But it's often followed by a bunch of lame excuses or even worse, a political agenda. I've heard some of these folks get up on their soapboxes and tell us that "gun violence" is the problem. Wow, what a f*cking revelation! Of course, this is usually followed up by a call to get guns off the street. And then the politicians will pass sweeping gun control laws to prevent people like you and me from protecting ourselves from that very same gun violence. Of course, the same assholes that pass these laws are often accompanied by their own armed security people. Kind of funny how that works.
I have driven through parts of Baltimore at various times of the day and I can tell you firsthand that is not a safe place. I used to think that the tourist areas, like the Inner Harbor, were off limits to the criminal element. But those places have proven to have their own issues over recent years. I started to walk through the Inner Harbor area after a concert at Pier Six a couple of years ago. I wound up turning around as I approached what looked like a group of young gang members. There is no way this should ever happen in the "bread and butter" district of a major city.
And just last year, a young tourist was robbed and knocked unconscious by a group of young thugs right in front of one of the downtown courthouses near City Hall. As the victim lay on the ground, the group robbed him off his wallet, car keys and i-Pod. If that wasn't bad enough, they further humiliated him by stripping him of his clothes, recording it and then posting the video online. That should really make people want to come to "Charm City", huh? The police commissioner quickly dismissed any allegations of a "hate crime" even though the victim was white and all of the attackers happened to be black. He then went on to candy-coat this brutality by describing it as "drunken, opportunistic criminality". With idiotic comments like that, is there any wonder why crime is out of control in Baltimore?
kw
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Where The Wild Things Roam
Shortly after moving into our new house a couple of years ago, I was standing in the kitchen one morning preparing a cup of coffee. From the back yard, something caught my attention through the nearby bay window. It turned out to be a large male deer. I took a sip of my coffee and proceeded to watch the impressive animal casually make his way through. As time passed, I would sometimes see families of young deer doing the same thing. It's actually quite soothing to watch these creatures.....
However, there are some other creatures that stir up completely different emotions.......
For instance, we have no shortage of moles and voles that have pretty much destroyed my back lawn. I'm told that the moles actually burrow underground to hunt down earthworms. If these bastards would ever agree to discuss the matter with me, I'm sure we could work out some kind of deal. Maybe if they agreed to stop demolishing my grass, I'd offer to occasionally bring them home some Nightcrawler carry-out from the local bait shop. If we can't work out a deal soon, I'm liable to go "Caddyshack" on them.
There is also at least one large snake that has claimed squatter's rights to my property. First off, I do not like snakes. There's just something very creepy about a armless/legless animal that can move faster than I can. We first encountered this creature when we opened up our pool a couple of months ago. Slithering near the edge of the pool, the snake rose up like a cobra when I approached him. It was like he was saying, "This is my turf, big boy. So, stand back!" Anyway, I had one of the pool guys throw him into the woods at the back of my yard. Shortly after they left, I was winding up the garden hose near the back porch. I look down and this son of a bitch is within striking distance of my bare ankle. So, in an effort to stand my ground and show the snake who was boss, I blasted his ass with a jetstream of water. I'm not kidding you, the snake actually looked at my as if to say, "You dick!". I didn't know whether to laugh of drop the hose and haul ass. Luckily for me, the snake decided to sliver through the lattice and under the back porch.
Well, a little while later, Tina comes home. I tell her about my adventure with the snake. To paint a more masculine picture of myself, I tell her about how I handled the the serpent with the confidence of an Indian snake charmer. I think I took it a little too far when I tried to tell her that folded the snake up like a sourdough pretzel. Anyway, she asks the inevitable question, "So, where is it now?" I tell her that it's "hiding from me" under the porch.
"Come on, Ken. You can't leave that thing under there. You gotta get him out", she says.
Confused, I reply, "Get him out? How am I supposed to do that?"
"I don't know. Maybe you should crawl under there and hunt him down", she instructs me.
"Hunt him down? Do I look like the f*ckin' Crocodile Hunter to you?!", I responded.
She just shook her head and walked away. Hey look, here's the deal. If the snake aggressively makes a move on either of us, I will do what I have to do. However, I'm not going to go looking for trouble. So, as a result, the snake is now a permanent resident. I'm actually considering writing him off as a dependent on my tax forms next year. (Note to the IRS: That was a joke!)
Speaking of residents, here's a good one for you. Recently, while getting ready to fire up my gas grill, I noticed something moving beneath the cast iron grates. It turned out to be a field mouse. As I tried to shoo him away, he boldly stood up on one of the grates and stared me down. I'm not kidding you, it was like he had his little mouse hands up and was saying, "Bring it on, asshole!" What is it with the attitude on these animals? At my old house, the wild animals would just scurry away. But here, everything turns into a confrontation.....
So, if this wasn't bad enough to deal with, we soon discover that the mouse has made a nest in the drip pan that sets below the burners. And lucky for me, the nest is loaded with several belligerent baby mice. Of course, Tina sees this and tells me that I have to leave them be. Come on, I've got steaks to cook! I offer to find these intrusive bastards a new home, but it's still not good enough. You're going to love this.....In an effort to stop the eviction process, Tina then tells me that I'm going to have to buy a new grill! And people wonder why I drink...
One Saturday night, several weeks ago, I'm lying in bed watching some late night TV. My sister-in-law, who lives around the corner, sends me a text that says, "Hey Ken, what's that strange animal noise coming from your back yard?"
Reluctantly, I pull up the bedroom window to investigate. I immediately hear a loud, screeching sound coming from the darkness beyond the backyard trees. I couldn't tell whether it was a distress call or mating call. But nonetheless, it was a sound that I have never heard before.
After a few text exchanges, my sister-in-law started to pressure me into going out back and checking it out. First off, if I march through the back yard in the yard, there's always the possibility of my old friend, the snake, showing back up. And secondly, I have no idea what else is lurking in the shadows. Sometimes at night, I'll shine a flashlight out in the back yard. This will occasionally light up the reflective eyeballs of some unknown creature. Maybe it's just a rabbit, but for all I know, it could be Sasquatch. I just don't want to take that chance. So, I just let the crazy animal noise fade away. I'm guessing that it was either a possum or a raccoon.
Speaking of raccoons......
Something has been getting into my outdoor trashcan. This particular trashcan has a hinged lid so it takes a little effort to lift it. But surprisingly, when I lift it sometimes, the trashbag inside is shredded, giving evidence that a trash picking predator has been there. I'm told that raccoons have long fingers, almost humanlike, and would be the most likely culprit. It's probably inevitable that one day, I'll catch him in the act. At that time, I'm sure like all of the other animals around here, he'll give me an attitude and it will resort to some type of square-off in the back yard. The weird thing is that I've always thought raccoons were kind of cool. But if it comes down to it, I won't hesitate to whoop one's ass.
The other night, I went out to retrieve the mail. I guess all of the animal surprises have taken their toll on me. As I opened up the mailbox, I peered in carefully, I halfway expected something to leap out at me. I felt like one of those hillbillys who reach into swampy tree trunks to retrieve a catfish. So, attempting to get the mail as quickly as possibly, I jabbed my arm inside and nervously clenched whatever I could with my anxious fingers. My neighbors probably think I'm crazy, but they just don't understand...
All of this reminds me of the old show "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom". I don;t know much about Omaha, but I can surely tell you, there's certainly a wild kingdom in at least one back yard in Pasadena......
kw
However, there are some other creatures that stir up completely different emotions.......
For instance, we have no shortage of moles and voles that have pretty much destroyed my back lawn. I'm told that the moles actually burrow underground to hunt down earthworms. If these bastards would ever agree to discuss the matter with me, I'm sure we could work out some kind of deal. Maybe if they agreed to stop demolishing my grass, I'd offer to occasionally bring them home some Nightcrawler carry-out from the local bait shop. If we can't work out a deal soon, I'm liable to go "Caddyshack" on them.
There is also at least one large snake that has claimed squatter's rights to my property. First off, I do not like snakes. There's just something very creepy about a armless/legless animal that can move faster than I can. We first encountered this creature when we opened up our pool a couple of months ago. Slithering near the edge of the pool, the snake rose up like a cobra when I approached him. It was like he was saying, "This is my turf, big boy. So, stand back!" Anyway, I had one of the pool guys throw him into the woods at the back of my yard. Shortly after they left, I was winding up the garden hose near the back porch. I look down and this son of a bitch is within striking distance of my bare ankle. So, in an effort to stand my ground and show the snake who was boss, I blasted his ass with a jetstream of water. I'm not kidding you, the snake actually looked at my as if to say, "You dick!". I didn't know whether to laugh of drop the hose and haul ass. Luckily for me, the snake decided to sliver through the lattice and under the back porch.
Well, a little while later, Tina comes home. I tell her about my adventure with the snake. To paint a more masculine picture of myself, I tell her about how I handled the the serpent with the confidence of an Indian snake charmer. I think I took it a little too far when I tried to tell her that folded the snake up like a sourdough pretzel. Anyway, she asks the inevitable question, "So, where is it now?" I tell her that it's "hiding from me" under the porch.
"Come on, Ken. You can't leave that thing under there. You gotta get him out", she says.
Confused, I reply, "Get him out? How am I supposed to do that?"
"I don't know. Maybe you should crawl under there and hunt him down", she instructs me.
"Hunt him down? Do I look like the f*ckin' Crocodile Hunter to you?!", I responded.
She just shook her head and walked away. Hey look, here's the deal. If the snake aggressively makes a move on either of us, I will do what I have to do. However, I'm not going to go looking for trouble. So, as a result, the snake is now a permanent resident. I'm actually considering writing him off as a dependent on my tax forms next year. (Note to the IRS: That was a joke!)
Speaking of residents, here's a good one for you. Recently, while getting ready to fire up my gas grill, I noticed something moving beneath the cast iron grates. It turned out to be a field mouse. As I tried to shoo him away, he boldly stood up on one of the grates and stared me down. I'm not kidding you, it was like he had his little mouse hands up and was saying, "Bring it on, asshole!" What is it with the attitude on these animals? At my old house, the wild animals would just scurry away. But here, everything turns into a confrontation.....
So, if this wasn't bad enough to deal with, we soon discover that the mouse has made a nest in the drip pan that sets below the burners. And lucky for me, the nest is loaded with several belligerent baby mice. Of course, Tina sees this and tells me that I have to leave them be. Come on, I've got steaks to cook! I offer to find these intrusive bastards a new home, but it's still not good enough. You're going to love this.....In an effort to stop the eviction process, Tina then tells me that I'm going to have to buy a new grill! And people wonder why I drink...
One Saturday night, several weeks ago, I'm lying in bed watching some late night TV. My sister-in-law, who lives around the corner, sends me a text that says, "Hey Ken, what's that strange animal noise coming from your back yard?"
Reluctantly, I pull up the bedroom window to investigate. I immediately hear a loud, screeching sound coming from the darkness beyond the backyard trees. I couldn't tell whether it was a distress call or mating call. But nonetheless, it was a sound that I have never heard before.
After a few text exchanges, my sister-in-law started to pressure me into going out back and checking it out. First off, if I march through the back yard in the yard, there's always the possibility of my old friend, the snake, showing back up. And secondly, I have no idea what else is lurking in the shadows. Sometimes at night, I'll shine a flashlight out in the back yard. This will occasionally light up the reflective eyeballs of some unknown creature. Maybe it's just a rabbit, but for all I know, it could be Sasquatch. I just don't want to take that chance. So, I just let the crazy animal noise fade away. I'm guessing that it was either a possum or a raccoon.
Speaking of raccoons......
Something has been getting into my outdoor trashcan. This particular trashcan has a hinged lid so it takes a little effort to lift it. But surprisingly, when I lift it sometimes, the trashbag inside is shredded, giving evidence that a trash picking predator has been there. I'm told that raccoons have long fingers, almost humanlike, and would be the most likely culprit. It's probably inevitable that one day, I'll catch him in the act. At that time, I'm sure like all of the other animals around here, he'll give me an attitude and it will resort to some type of square-off in the back yard. The weird thing is that I've always thought raccoons were kind of cool. But if it comes down to it, I won't hesitate to whoop one's ass.
The other night, I went out to retrieve the mail. I guess all of the animal surprises have taken their toll on me. As I opened up the mailbox, I peered in carefully, I halfway expected something to leap out at me. I felt like one of those hillbillys who reach into swampy tree trunks to retrieve a catfish. So, attempting to get the mail as quickly as possibly, I jabbed my arm inside and nervously clenched whatever I could with my anxious fingers. My neighbors probably think I'm crazy, but they just don't understand...
All of this reminds me of the old show "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom". I don;t know much about Omaha, but I can surely tell you, there's certainly a wild kingdom in at least one back yard in Pasadena......
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