A Glance Ahead to Super Bowl XLVIII

Now that the field of 32 NFL teams has been narrowed down to two, we prepare for what looks like one of the best Super Bowl match-ups ever. With the high-powered Denver Broncos' offense going up against the Seattle Seahawks' league leading defense, it will be interesting to see which team says "Uncle" first.

I'm not here to bore you with statistics, but I thought these were worth sharing:

• Denver put up an astounding 7317 yards of total offense this season. On the other side of the ball, Seattle's defense gave up a very conservative 4378 yards.
• Denver averaged almost 38 points a game while Seattle's defense only gave up an average of 14 points per game.

When it comes to Peyton Manning, I have heard both praise and criticism of the man. The praise is easy to understand. After all, the guy's name almost always comes up when discussing the best quarterbacks who ever played. However, I've heard other people say that Manning is simply overrated. Critics of Manning will often say that although he might very well be the best "regular season" quarterback, he is only average, when it comes to playoff games.

Everyone is certainly entitled to his/her opinion, but all I'll say is that I really like Peyton Manning. Besides being a phenomenal passer, he has consistently proven to be a class act. Even when he was playing for one of my least favorite teams (the Colts), I couldn't help but like the guy. Now, that he's with Denver, I have a much easier time cheering for him. Although the Seattle defense will be tough to penetrate, I expect Manning to eventually find his magic formula by the second half of the big game. If he should should win his second Super Bowl ring next Sunday, his credibility as the all-time best will surely go way up.

Of course, one of the main obstacles for Manning is going to be Seattle's self-proclaimed "best cornerback in the NFL", Richard Sherman. By now, most of you have seen Sherman's infamous post-game rant.  Let's talk about this for a minute. First off, did Sherman's comments come off as a bit unsportsmanlike and classless? Of course, they did. But you have to remember, there was already tension between Sherman and 49ers receiver, Michael Crabtree. Now, add in the element of a very emotional game and the brief altercation that occurred between Crabtree and Sherman at the end of the game and you've got serious potential for a verbal outburst. It happens. But what I found to be very classless was Sherman's "choking" gesturing towards Crabtree as he walked off the field. Apparently, the NFL felt the same way and they fined Sherman roughly $8000 for his unsportsmanlike antics.

One of the things that amazes me the most about this year's Super Bowl is that fact that it will be played in an outdoor stadium in New Jersey! Who came up with this bright idea? I guess someone forgot that it gets pretty cold this time of year in Jersey. And I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure snow is a possibility when it gets cold. The production, logistics and other preparation that go into an event such as the Super Bowl have to be mind-numbing. There's already talk of a looming snowstorm for next week. This, of course, has the event planners scrambling to come up with "plan B". One of the options is to move the Super Bowl to Monday or Friday. Come on, you can't play the Super Bowl on a weekday! It should be interesting to see how this potential clusterf*ck plays out.....

Speaking of interesting, the Broncos and Seahawks hail from the states of Colorado and Washington. Marijuana became legal in Colorado last month and it will become legal in Washington later this year. It gives a whole new perspective to the term "Super Bowl", huh? Sounds like something you might see in an old Cheech & Chong movie. If the Broncos win this year, I expect their fans to be higher than the Rocky Mountains (in more ways than one!). And who knows, maybe they'll hire The Doobie Brothers to play at the victory parade.

Nonetheless, let's hope that the game goes on without a glitch and it lives up to all of the hype. And let's hope that the game is played on SUNDAY! I'm really looking forward to this match-up......

My prediction: Denver 27 Seattle 17

kw

Driving In The Maryland Snow

Anytime the news channels call for even a little bit of snow, Maryland drivers go absolutely apeshit! Although many of these people have been driving for decades, the first flake of snow immediately causes them to revert back to their driver's ed days.

There were already several inches of white stuff on the ground as I took the entrance ramp onto the Baltimore beltway yesterday afternoon. Over 30 miles from home, I knew I was in for another profanity-laced adventure. Approaching the entry lane, the cars in front of me were determined to drive as slow as mechanically possible. In fact, if these cars were going any slower, they would have been going backwards. I felt like hitting the gas and bumping the car in front of me. But I figured the guy would be a prick about it and expect me to get out and examine the "damage" with him. We've seen this before, two cars lightly bump each other and the two drivers spend the next 30 minutes rubbing dirt off the bumpers in search of the "elusive scratch". Life is too short for such trivial bullshit. Plus, I really didn't feel like getting wet from the blowing snow, so I let it go.

Once I got onto 695, the top speed was about 25 mph. There was very limited traffic on the usually busy beltway. I decided to see how treacherous the road really was. So, I accelerated as I approached a bend in the road. I could feel my car sliding a little, so I knew that I should slow it down to more manageable speed. Sitting in a roadside ditch while other drivers gawked at me wasn't my idea of a good time. Speaking of which, I saw several abandoned cars parked at unfriendly traffic angles on the shoulder of the road.

A driver in front of me had his driver's side window down with his arm hanging out. As I got closer, I saw that he was wiping his windshield with a handheld dust broom. I've seen a lot of things on the beltway, but this was definitely a first. I desperately wanted to snap a picture but, under the circumstances, I figured it was a bad idea.

A few miles later, I glance over to the other side of the beltway. I see several salt trucks lined up in an angle formation in adjacent lanes. They had all lanes of traffic blocked as they cleared the snow and slush from the road. I'm sure the drivers who were stuck behind them were pissed, but it looked pretty cool from were I was sitting. It was like a cavalry of state government workers.

Driving along, I approached a large truck in the lane to the right of me. One of the rear wheel kicked up a heavy load of road slush and propelled it directly towards me. It collided with my windshield like a sack of potatoes. If I had been driving one of those tiny Smart Cars, I would have been history!

As I finally made my way closer to home, I realized that I needed some gas for my snow blower. Since I don't have a gas can with me, I stop off a local Home Depot to buy one. As I enter the store, I see that there is hardly anyone in there. I assume that this is due to the fact that they don't sell bread, milk or toilet paper. I see an employee restocking a supply of snow shovels. I never quite understood this. I've had the same snow shovel for the past 20 years. Do other people trade their old one for a new one each year? Since the stores have such a hard time keeping these things in stock, it sure seems that way.

I purchase my gas can and a bag of beef jerky and back out into frigid air. I wind up stopping at a local Exxon to fill up my gas can. I follow a woman towards the only to vacant pumps. Defying logic, instead of pulling forward to the front pump, she stops at the rear pump. Now, I'm stuck waiting for her inconsiderate ass. As she exits her vehicle, I toot my horn and turn my palms up in an attempt to give her the "WTF" signal. She ignores me and goes into the station to pay. I drive around the stupid bitch's car and back into the pump in front of her. It took everything that  had to keep from pelting her upside the head with a snowball.

As I got back on the road, I got stuck behind a snow plow. The line of traffic behind the plow was going at a breakneck speed of about 5 mph. This made my final two miles seem like Chinese water torture! I finally pulled up into my driveway and breathed a quiet sigh of relief.

I don't know how you feel about it, but for me, spring can't get here fast enough!

kw

Telemarketing Scam Artists

There are plenty of reasons to dislike telemarketers. They're intrusive, pushy and downright annoying. But in the case of charities, many of these telemarketers are also scam artists. These people will call you and claim to be representing the local police or fire department. But in reality, their main objective is to put money in the pockets of the telemarketing firm. (I've attached a link at the bottom that shows the result of a watchdog group study on "America's Worst Charities")

A few years ago, I received a phone call from a guy who claimed to be representing my local police department. After listening to a few minutes of his scripted bullshit, I told him that I wasn't interested in making a donation. This prompted the arrogant douchebag to say, "Sir, the local police departments rely on these donations so that they can protect our community. Why wouldn't you want to help them?"

I quickly reminded him that my ever-increasing tax dollars are what the police department really relies on. And while I'm certainly not opposed to helping the local police department, I really don't want to make a donation to a phantom company.

Then, the guy says, "Why do you say 'phantom company'? We're talking about the police department here."

"No. we're not. We're talking about your company here. Would you mind telling me who you work for?", I ask.

"Sir, I represent the Anne Arundel County Police Department", he nervously responds.

Frustrated from already spending too much time with this asshole, I say. "Look bud, let's cut through the bullshit. I didn't ask who you represent. I asked who you work for. Since you're not going to help me, let's see if I can figure it out on my own. You work for a company that takes donations under false pretenses. You trick people into thinking that you work for the police department, but in reality, you work for greedy telemarketing firm. If I make a hundred dollar donation, your company is going to kick about $12 over to the police department. The remaining $88 goes into your company's pocket. Did I get it right?"

After a long pause, the guy says, "Sir, we have operating expenses. Some of the donations do indeed go towards that. However, we also send a substantial amount of money to the police department."

"By substantial amount, you mean 12%, right?, I ask.

No reply from the other end of the phone...

I chime back in, "Ok, here's the deal. If you tell me who you work for, I'll give you a donation. I think that's fair, don't you? After all, shouldn't I have the right to know who's getting my money?"

This finally prompted the guy to say, "Have a good day, sir." Then, he hung up on me. How rude!

But I guess it's a good day when I can get under the skin of a telemarketer to the point where he hangs up on me.

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While I'm not certainly not bashing all charities, I'm warning you to be aware of the scam artists. These jerks will try to get your sympathy by claiming to "represent" police survivors, kids with cancer, etc. In reality, it's their company who pockets almost all of the money. I don't know how some of these people can sleep at night.......

http://www.tampabay.com/americas-worst-charities/#disabled-police-officers-of-america-inc

kw

Breaking News: It Gets Cold In The Winter

In case you live in Maryland and haven't turned the TV on this morning, there is breaking news stories everywhere: IT'S COLD!!!

Holy mackerel! Is this really breaking news? Doesn't it get cold every winter? The news reporters are actually instructing people on how to dress! What are we, five years old?? I'm waiting for them to start showing the scene from A Christmas Story where the kid gets his tongue stuck to the pole...."Folks, as harmless at it seems, please do NOT try this at home. There have been several reported injuries already. We don't need any more! Save your tongue for jello shots!"

I'm watching all of the school closings and delays scroll across the bottom of my TV screen. Really? We're closing schools now because it's cold? Were they holding class in the courtyard this week? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. These days, it seems that they start closing the schools if rain is in the forecast. In case anyone forgot, school building have progressed quite a bit over the years. They actually have roofs and heat now.

Watching the reporters interviewing random people out in front of the Royal Farm store really cracks me up. The news reporter will ask,"Excuse me sir, how is the weather out here this morning?" I'd love to hear one of these random people respond, "You're out here with me, numb-nuts. Why don't you tell me how f*ckin'' cold it is?!?"

And what is the "polar vortex'? That 's all I've been hearing about over the past few days. For the past ten years, we've been hearing about global warming. Now. we've got a polar vortex. And speaking of global warming, where is Al Gore these days?

Watching all of this hype has me almost afraid to open up my door. Will I hit with a blast of frigid air that will instantly freeze my cheerful face? Or when I eventually venture out into the vast wilderness and make my way to my car, will I be sucked into the polar vortex to be never heard from again? That would really suck!

And don't even get me started on the wind chill. "Although it's 10 degrees, the windchill makes it feel like it's 120 below!" Kind of makes you shiver just thinking about it, huh?

And have you ever noticed how the weathermen transition into mathematicians? They say something like, "Today, it's going to be 15 degrees with a windchill of minus 5. However, on Sunday, we'll see a warming trend and the temperature will go up to a balmy 38 degrees. That's a 43 degree swing folks!" Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein had nothing on these guys!

Yes folks, it is indeed cold out there. If you have to venture out today, here's some good, yet practical advice: Wear a heavy coat and don't stop to answer any stupid questions by news reporters!

kw

Scenes From a Chinese Restaurant

I stopped off at a local mall for lunch today. As I made my way through the food court, I was confronted by one of those guys who gives out the free samples. From the way he jumped out in front of me, I thought that I might be the latest victim of the Knockout Game. The guy nearly pokes me in the eye with a chicken-laced toothpick. As he holds the toothpick out like a battle sword, he says, "You like bourbon? You try piece of bourbon chicken!"

Trying to calm the guy down, I say, "Whoa, relax brother. You had me at bourbon."

I accept the sample and pop it into my mouth. It was actually pretty good. Before I could gather my thoughts, the guy comes right back at me with, "You like? Bourbon chicken!" Bourbon really seems to be an integral part of this guy's vocabulary. He then gestures towards the main booth. Intimidated by his arsenal of toothpicks, I take my place in line and order a full plate. I ask the server what kind of bourbon they used but this only brings a confused stare. Hey, I thought it was a legitimate question.

I've always been quite fond of Chinese cuisine. Although I have no idea who General Tso is, I think that his chicken is pretty bad ass. The best versions have a fair amount of kick but won't blister your palate. Speaking of which, I can remember a time in Chicago many years ago. I was eating lunch with a few of my workmates at a local Chinese restaurant. Well, I found one of those long, thin amber peppers on my plate of General Tso's. Being young and naive, I picked it up and bit into it. The juice of the pepper exploded into the back of my throat as my eyes nearly popped out of my skull. My first reaction was to grab for my glass of water. But the water had no effect on the heat which now had engulfed my entire mouth as well as the better part of my esophagus. I was in a bad spot! I instinctively popped a couple of fortune cookies into the inferno. It helped a little bit but I still had to suffer through the pain for another hour or so. Things eventually settled down. However, the next day brought another heated exchange if you know what I mean.

There was a place in my old neighborhood where my parents used to order Chinese (or as my mother says "Chinee") food. I believe the name of the place was the China Garden. Anyway, I always thought the food was really good, especially their shrimp fried rice. Well, one day, I see the cook outside smoking a cigarette. At one point, he blows his nose using the ol' Kentucky handkerchief method. He then uses his hand to wipe the excess snot off of his face. And right on cue, he heads back into the kitchen without washing his hands! Hey bud, could I get a little extra MSG on that next batch of shrimp fried rice??

There was another place were Tina & I used to order take-out when we lived in Glen Burnie. The China Palace, maybe? The place was so tiny that I had no idea where they actually cooked the food. Waiting in line to pay for my order, I always caught myself trying to peer into the back room to see how they were doing it. The place was like an optical illusion. All I know is that the food was great and I never seen anyone there ever use a Kentucky handkerchief!

Although it's a Chinese custom, I've always been a bit confused with the whole fortune cookie thing. Most of my fortunes have said stuff like "You have a magnetic personality", "Your smile moves mountains" "You have the brains of an Einstein", "Jennifer Aniston wants you", etc...Ok, I made some of those up. But the point is that these aren't fortunes. They're more like an attempt to stroke me after I just spent $25 on a carry out order. It's more like a happy ending than a fortune! Ok, I'm done.....

kw

The Reality of Reality Shows

I wrote about reality shows a few years ago*. And since then, the madness continues to spread across my cable line-up like a runaway virus. It seems like three quarters of TV programming is based around some type of voyeuristic experience.

I try my best to avoid most of this nonsense, but it's tough when Tina always has these shows playing in the background. I'm constantly harassing her for watching this stuff. I'll ask her, "Do you ever feel less intelligent after watching an episode of Real Housewives?"

Of course, she usually responds by telling me to shut the hell up. She just doesn't understand that I'm really concerned for her mental well-being. Perhaps her lack of comprehension is due to the damage that's already been inflicted by these intellectually deficit programs? I'm really getting concerned, folks.

Speaking of Real Housewives, have any of you ever watched an episode of this crap? I like to call it the "bitch" show because the word bitch seems to make it's way into every sentence. Here's a typical scene:

"Hey, bitch! You showed total disrespect by twerking on my husband last night!" announces one woman.

Another woman inevitably responds, "Screw you, bitch! What you see as twerking, others see as a sophisticated dance move. If you weren't such a stupid bitch, you'd understand it!"

"Whoa, why don't both of you silly bitches settle down", interjects one of their husbands.

In bitch-like stereo, the two irate women look at the husband and ask, "Who the hell are you calling a bitch??"

You see what I mean??

Just this morning Tina was watching a veterinarian reality show called Dr. Pol. He's some kind of animal doctor that travels over the countryside performing medical procedures on various types of animals. I guess it sounds interesting enough. But every time I glance over Tina's shoulder at this show, Dr. Pol is sticking his arm up a cow's ass. Sorry, that just doesn't work for me, especially while I'm eating my breakfast.

Another show that seems to constantly fill up my DVR is Hardcore Pawn. If Jerry Springer opened a pawn shop, it would look like this. I'm convinced that most of the hostile altercations are scripted. Doesn't this defeat the purpose of a reality show?

And last but not least is Duck Dynasty. Let me address this one as quickly as I can. First off, I have never seen an episode. Of course, one of the stars of the show was all over the news recently for making some controversial comments regarding homosexuality. Several people ask me why I haven't blogged about it. Frankly, I really don't care about the show nor the guy's comments. If you don't like what the guy said, you don't have to watch him. It's that simple. This is America, people should have the right to voice their opinion. But, also in America, as we have seen in the aftermath of the controversial comments, everything boils down to money. No matter how controversial or abrasive the guys comments were, A&E is not going to cancel the show. Principals can be easily compromised by a cash cow (or duck, in this case). That's all I'm going to say about this one...

Now, Tina calls me a hypocrite because I watch The Ultimate Fighter, which I admit is a reality show involving MMA fighters. But at the end of each show, two of the guys get into the cage and beat the snot out one another. It's different. If those bitches from the Real Housewives did this, then maybe I would watch that too!

kw

* http://kensmouthpiece.blogspot.com/2009/07/reality-shows.html

A New Year Brings New Laws

With the new year comes many new state laws. For instance, it is now illegal to sell or possess shark fins in Delaware. That's just crazy. First they outlaw lawn darts, now shark fins. I'm not so sure that I want to go back to Delaware.

In Illinois, it's now illegal for anyone under 18 to use tanning beds. No more bronze kiddies running around Lake Michigan? Also, in the land of Lincoln, a new "lemon pet law" goes into effect. Basically, this gives you the right to return a pet to the store/breeder if it has an undisclosed illness. Or if you chose, you can keep the pet and be reimbursed for any medical costs. I wonder if you can also be reimbursed for ruined carpet?

Arkansas will now require voters to show a photo ID at the polling place. Ummm, why isn't this a law in every state?

In Oregon, it is now against the law for mothers to take their placentas home from the hospital after giving birth. WTF?

And in that kooky place we call California, schools are now required bend the traditional male/female rules when it comes to bathrooms and sports teams. That's right. if you happen to be a boy named Sue, you can sign up for the girl's volleyball team. I can hear the other team now, "Hey what ever you do, keep it away from the husky chick with the Adam's apple!" And if you're a young lady who dreams of becoming a lumberjack, you can waltz right into the men's room and drop trou at one of the vacant urinals. Keep moving along folks, nothing to see here......

Perhaps not so surprising, Connecticut passed stricter gun control laws in response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. Will stricter gun control make us a safer society? I seriously doubt it. But that's just my opinion.

Utah and New Mexico became the latest states to legalize same sex marriage. I really don't know why this issue has become such a big deal. Gays have every right to be part of the bitching and nagging that comes along with marriage. In a few years, gay married couples will be asking, "What the hell were we thinking?"

Rhode Island now has a law that prohibits potential employers from checking out an applicants criminal history when using written job applications. "Axe murderers need not apply" doesn't necessarily apply anymore...

And in Florida, the land of the hanging chad, early voting will be expanded.

But perhaps the most celebrated new law of all comes to us from Colorado. The mile-high state will, no doubt, get even higher as recreational marijuana is now legal. I imagine that Boulder will forever be camouflaged by a plume of second hand pot smoke. The state of Washington will follow Colorado's lead on this one later this year. If this trend continues, I'm buying stock in Doritos!

kw