Blizzard of 2016 - The Postmortem

A week after life was predicted to end for the Mid-Atlantic masses, things are now pretty much back to normal. So, what should we attribute to this miraculous survival story? For many, perhaps it was the piece of mind that came from having an abundance bread in the pantry. Others may have rode the storm by basking in the comfort of knowing that there were six full gallons of milk in the Fridge. Whatever the case, somehow we made it.....

During the past week, I've observed a few things. For instance, the first establishments to declare themselves open for business were the local bars. And no matter how treacherous the roads might have been, there will be no shortage of people who risked it all to get there. Of course, come Monday morning, these are the same people couldn't make it to work because the roads were too bad.

I have to admit, the road in front of my house was pretty bad. Even with our SUV, the snow was too high to drive. By Monday, my neighbors and I gave up hope on the likelihood of seeing a snowplow any time soon. So, we all did what we could to create a drivable path to the main road. And wouldn't you know it? Shortly after we finished, a snow plow came rolling around the corner. Funny how that happens, huh?

The one thing that drives me crazy after a snowstorm is a dirty car. For the past few days, every time I look at my salt-encrusted exterior, I have the impulsive urge to fire up the garden hose. Of course, I can't do that because the hose is frozen solid. My only salvation is the freeze-resistant wiper-fluid that cleans the windshield. However, the life of a clean windshield is inevitably cut short by random sprays of dirty road juice. I frantically pump the wiper handle to keep the washer fluid flowing. By the time I get to my destination, I feel like I have carpal-tunnel syndrome.

And don't you just hate it when you realize that you're down to your last drop of wiper fluid? You can feel the anxiety kick in as you attempt to squeeze out those last few drops. Eventually, the well runs dry and your windshield gradually takes on the look of dirty chalkboard. Feeling like Stevie Wonder, you squint and bob your head as you try to find any hint of transparency. You're soon forced to roll down the window and drive with your head exposed to the elements. Your face gets peppered with road salt as you desperately search for a gas station or drug store where you can buy an overpriced jug of fresh fluid. Sound familiar?

Okay, enough of my problems, let's take a trip to the city......

I hear things are really heating up in Baltimore in the aftermath of the storm. Countless cars are still being held hostage by the mounds of heavy snow. And people remain stranded in their homes as they angrily await the arrival of the snow plow. The road crews are challenged with finding a place to put the snow. They've been loading a lot of it up and dumping it at Camden Yards. With the way they're piling it up, they'll be lucky if it's melted by Opening Day.

There's also an uproar over the city's decision to fine people who haven't cleared their sidewalk. Residents are arguing that that the roads aren't even plowed yet, so therefore they shouldn't be expected to clear their sidewalks. What kind of logic is that? Unless you're elderly or disabled, there's no excuse to not have your sidewalk shoveled a week after the snowstorm. I guess they're waiting for the government to come and shovel it for them? The mayor has even tried to guilt these people into doing it by using the "do it for the children" mantra. (Like the kids are going to leave the warmth and comfort of their PlayStations to venture out in the snow....)

I'd be willing to bet that before long, the city will start supplying snow shovels to "needy" residents. The city "leaders" will perpetrate the myth that "a shovel in every home" will magically translate into snow-free walkways. But what they fail to comprehend is that, in order to operate effectively, snow shovels require human intervention. The reason that that people don't shovel their sidewalks isn't because they don't have shovels. It's because they're inconsiderate, lazy assholes.

But there is one bright spot to the heavy snowfall in Baltimore. I was recently told that there were no murders in the city over the weekend. What? How is this possible?? Instead of passing more gun laws, maybe Al Gore should organize a "snow dance" between the Eskimos and polar bears to make it snow on Baltimore year round!


kw

Senior Delay at the Subway

Yesterday, mid-afternoon, I stopped off at the local shopping plaza to grab lunch. What a mistake that was! It was like a mall on Black Friday. People were scuttling about like roaches as cars began to form long lines in the travel lanes. I just wanted to grab something quickly and then get out of Dodge.

I decided to to go into Subway because it didn't look too busy. I got in line behind an old woman. I placed my order and the Subway "mechanic" proceeded to throw my favorite variety of nitrates onto the freshly baked roll. As I progressed down to the fixins station, the old lady was causing a major delay. She ordered a whole sub, but wanted it prepared as if it was two halves. She wanted certain items on one half and and other items on the other. As she decided on each item, she would say it and then point to it through the glass. I guess she didn't think that the Subway guy could find the lettuce or onion unless she pointed him in the general direction. And then, as the guy would put stuff on the sub, the old lady would say, "Oh, that's too much, Can you take a little off?"

Every once in a while, the old lady had a hard time understanding would the Subway guy was saying. Every time this happened, she would instantly look at other people in the line for help. The Subway guy would be asking, "Is this good?" And the old lady would shrug her shoulders and say, "I don't know." Meanwhile, the rest of the line at the mercy of the stalemate.

I swear, I don't know how the guy controlled himself. I would have yanked the lady behind the counter and told her to make it herself. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally approved of everything and moved on down to the cash register. Of course, when she got there, she didn't have her money ready. Nowadays, the majority of people use a debit/credit card. But not senior citizens. I guess the art of swiping a piece of plastic through a card reader is too much technology to handle. So, right on cue, she starts fishing through her purse for some cash. She lays out several bills on the counter, smoothing out the wrinkles of each of them. The Subway guy scratched his head as he watched the ritual.

The price of her meal was $9.29. Now, most people would just hand over ten bucks and call it a day. But the old lady pulls out a small coin purse and slowly retrieves exactly 29 cents. Then, instead of handing the money to the Subway guy, she meticulously lays the coins on the counter, one at a time. This causes even more of a delay as the Subway guy tries to retrieve each coin.

If I wouldn't have already started my own "sub process", I would have just left. The snow was starting to fall outside and the frenzy of people was escalating. After about ten minutes, I was finally at the cash register. The Subway guy breathed a sigh of relief when he saw me pull out my credit card. I wished him a much deserved, "Good Day!" and finally made my way home.

In general, I have no beef with senior citizens. I just don't want to get stuck behind them at the Subway (or any other check-out line)!

kw

The Big Snow of 2016?

Keeping true to their annual ritual, the weather folks have whipped Marylanders into a frenzy. Soon the grocery stores will be packed, people will be lining up at the gas stations with their big red gas cans and snow shovels will be vanishing from the store shelves quicker than a Hillary Clinton email.

C'mon, people. Do we really need to freak out like this?

The latest I heard, the Baltimore area is due to get about a foot of snow. Will twelve inches of snow make travel a little more difficult. Sure, it will. But from the reaction of most people around here, you'd think that we were about to be dropped off naked at Mt. Everest.

If you want to have some fun tomorrow, take a lawn chair and an Igloo cooler full of your favorite adult beverage to the local grocery store. For premium seating, drop your lawn chair right in the middle of the paper goods section (The store manager might give you a hard time, but just tell them that you're doing some field research for me. If he still has an issue, tell him to give me a call). Take a drink every time someone takes a bundle of toilet paper. By mid-afternoon, people will practically be trampling over one another to get to the last pack of Charmin. And you'll be completely sauced! I'm not quite sure if this classifies as civil unrest, but it's pretty damn close.

People will go ape shit over bread too. I know people that don't even like bread. But they'll buy bread if a snow storm is coming. Below is a photo that my friend, Kathy, took at a local grocery store earlier today. She actually needed bread and all that awaited her was one loaf of smashed diet wheat. (I don't know why, but saying diet wheat bread made me laugh out loud. It can't be good.)

And what's up with the rush on snow shovels? Do people suddenly wake up one morning and say, "Shit! I need a snow shovel." And we do people buy so many? I saw a guy at the Home Depot yesterday who was buying five of them. Do you really need four extras?

And what's up with all of the salt? You would think people were preparing for the second coming of Ghandi!

Through my travels this week, I have heard people talking about this "mother of all storms". Sure it's ominous and apocalyptic. But the biggest thing that people are concerned about, even more than toilet paper, is Garth Brooks. He has a scheduled concert in Baltimore on Saturday night. I have a feeling that no matter how much snow we get, people will miraculously find a way to get to the show. It's pretty amazing how many of these same people can't make it to work when we get two inches of snow. But they would walk through two feet of snow, uphill both ways to get to the show.

The one thing that I really do have to pick up is beer. Beer and snowstorms go together like baseball games and hot dogs. I'm sure the liquor stores will be almost as bad as the grocery stores tomorrow. But I'll be prepared. I plan on carrying an umbrella with me to keep the other shoppers at bay. If anyone is foolish enough to come between me and Sam Adams, I won't hesitate to jab them in the throat with my rain gear. It's nothing personal, I'm just trying to survive like everyone else....

kw

Sugary Warning Labels

There is now legislation being pushed by Councilman Nick Mosby in Baltimore City that would require businesses that sell sugary drinks to post warning signs about the "dangers" of the products.* The signs would warn potential consumers that drinks such as Coke, Pepsi and Gatorade contribute to obesity, tooth decay and diabetes.

Now, on the surface, I won't deny that these warning signs would be somewhat truthful. It probably is unhealthy for someone to drink a dozen Cokes in a day. But do we really need a warning sign to tell us this? Are the people in Baltimore City really this stupid? Well, the City Council sure seems to think so...

The City Health Commissioner also supports the proposed legislation. She points out that sugary drinks are leading contributor to childhood obesity. I beg to differ with the commissioner. I think the leading cause of fat kids is inactivity. And if you want to want tangible scapegoat, you can start with cell phones and video games. Bottom line: Kids today spend way too much time on their ass!

Are the diets of today's kids and the kids of yesteryear really that much different. Hmm, I don't think so. Back in the day, I remember every kid routinely walking around with a Coke or Pepsi in their hand. Keep in mind, I grew during the time when 7-11 introduced us to Big Gulp. And there were a lot of kids walking around with those things too. And most of them were not overweight. By the way, the only diet soda back in the day was Tab. But it tasted like battery acid, so no one ever drank it.

I can speak from first hand experience on this. You see, I grew up as one of the "fat kids" in my neighborhood (although I always preferred the term "husky"). My childhood dentist can attest that I had the biggest sweet tooth west of the Chesapeake. Along with soda, I used to tear up a box of Mike & Ike's (which were basically sugar-filled gel-caps). And, I'm not making this up....my mom would have to hide the Tastykakes in my house because if I found the stash, I would put away a half-dozen Tasty-Klairs in one sitting. She would keep changing the hiding place to stay one step ahead of me. So, it was like an Easter egg hunt everyday in our house. Now, I was indeed overweight, but I wasn't morbidly obese. You know why? Because I frequently moved my husky ass.

This might come as a surprise to some of you youngsters but once upon a time, kids used to walk from point A to point B. And they used to actually play real ball in a real park instead of playing a virtual version in front of a big screen TV. And we weren't even Amish!

But in today's world of "it's never my fault", it's much more convenient to blame Coke or Pepsi for the childhood obesity problem.

Soft drinks have been around for over a hundred years. Now, all of a sudden, we need warning labels? And let's say the legislation passes and the warning labels eventually find their way to a 7-11 near you. Do you really think kids will pay attention to them? From the high school drop out rate in Baltimore City, a lot kids probably won't even be able to read the signs. Hey maybe we can pass even more legislation that will require a picture of Mr. Yuck on every soda bottle. It wouldn't surprise me at all....

kw

* http://www.baltimoresun.com/health/bs-hs-sugary-beverages-20160111-story.html

David Bowie - Rock & Roll Icon

It's kind of a weird feeling when you first hear of an iconic celebrity's death. Although most of us have never met the person, we still feel some kind of personal connection. Early this morning, I woke to my radio alarm clock. I'm usually greeted with a classic rock tune which eases me out of the night's slumber. But on this particular morning, the DJ threw a bucket of cold water on my head by announcing that David Bowie had passed away.

Looking back, Bowie was one of the most interesting and successful rock stars ever. It should come as no surprise that one of his best known songs was titled "Changes". Bowie reinvented himself time after time, always to the approval of his audience.

When I first saw Bowie's Ziggy Stardust persona, I thought he was really out there. (I guess it was fitting that he called his band the Spiders From Mars.) I scratched my head trying to figure out what this androgynous looking guy with the bright-red hair was all about. But as soon as I heard the music, I knew he was something special. The song "Ziggy Stardust" is still one of my all-time favorites.

Many times, I can remember driving down the road when one of those classic Bowie tunes would come across the airwaves. I would impulsively reach for the volume button and crank it up. I have no idea where Suffragette City is, but I know that that it sounds really good when played at a high volume.

David Bowie appealed to a wide audience. He even appeared on Soul Train back in 1975 to perform "Golden Years" and "Fame". As host Don Cornelius introduced the pale-skinned, orange-haired Bowie to the all-black audience, the brothers on the dance floor were were probably thinking "WTF"? But as soon as the familiar grooves of those songs kicked in, everyone proceeded to get down and boogie.

(A couple trivia items about the songs that Bowie performed on Soul Train: "Fame" was co-written by John Lennon, who also provided backing vocals on the studio track. And Elvis Presley once considered doing a cover version of "Golden Years". Now, that would have been really interesting!)

With so many songs to choose from, it's really tough to pick just one song. But if I had to pick one favorite, I would have to go with "Heroes". It's one of those songs that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It's been covered by different artists (and some quite well), but there's something uniquely special about Bowie's original version.

And how can anyone not like "Space Oddity"? When Major Tom strays away and loses touch with ground control, you can almost feel his anxiety and isolation through Bowie's vocals...

"Here I am, floating in a tin can, far above the moon.
Planet earth is blue and there's nothing I can do...."

Perhaps somewhat surprising, Bowie also sang on one of my favorite Christmas tunes.  I still remember seeing the video as a kid. Bowie wonders over to his neighbor's house on Christmas Eve to find none other than Bing Crosby house-sitting. The two exchange pleasantries and then kick into the best version ever of "The Little Drummer Boy". It instantly became a timeless Christmas classic.

Back in the 80's, I went to see a movie called "The Hunger" (not to be confused with The Hunger Games). David Bowie played one of the lead roles. I soon realized that, along with being a brilliant musician and song writer, Bowie was also quite an actor. Along with other movies, Bowie also did a 3-month run on Broadway in a production of "The Elephant Man".

David Bowie accomplished so much in his 69 years of life. He was a multi-talented, uniquely-entertaining musical genius. But if I had to sum him up in one sentence, I would simply say that David Bowie was downright cool.

Rest in peace, brother. And thanks for all of the great music!


kw

Cincinnati Bungles Another One

I'm not a big fan of the Cincinnati Bengals but I can't help but feel bad for (most of*) their fans this morning. After overcoming a 15-0 deficit against the Steelers last night, the Bengals were poised to finally get the monkey off their back and win a first-round playoff game.

Holding tight to a 1-point lead, Cincinnati all but sealed the deal when they intercepted Ben Rothlesberger's pass with under two minutes left in the game. Already deep in Pittsburgh territory, all the Bengals had to do was run a couple of plays and get first down and the game was over. On the first run from scrimmage, Cincinnati's Jeremy Hill fumbled the ball. And, of course, Pittsburgh recovered. This was bad, but Pittsburgh still had a long way to go to get into field goal range.

Rothelesberger quickly marched the Steelers towards mid-field. Let me just say this....I am certainly no fan of Ben Rothlesberger, But no one can deny that this guy is tough as nails. After getting slammed on his shoulder earlier in the quarter, it was obvious that his ability to throw the long ball was impaired. But somehow, he hung in there, and improvised a way to shorten the field.

However, time was running out and there was still a fair amount field to go. Rothlesberger threw a short pass to his go-to receiver, Antonio Brown, but overthrew him. This would have normally put Pittsburgh in dire straits. However, they were playing the Bengals and you knew something had to happen. On the play, Cincinnati linebacker Vontaze Burfict, laid a viscous hit on Brown's head. The yellow flags were flying before Brown even hit the ground. This 15-yard personal foul gave Pittsburgh and automatic first-down but more importantly, put them in range for a Chris Boswell field goal attempt.

But we're not done yet.....

The Bengals weren't satisfied with giving Boswell an attempt. They wanted to ensure that he was close enough to make the field goal. So, enter Adam "Pacman" Jones. Jones was played like fiddle by Pittsburgh coach, Joey Porter. After the hit on Brown, there were skirmishes on the field. As Porter antagonized the Bengals defense, Jones appeared to move toward him. But in the process, he touched one of the refs which drew another 15-yard penalty.

So, without making an offensive play, Pittsburgh was handed 30 yards by the undisciplined Cincinnati defense. This mental breakdown led to a game-winning field goal by Boswell. Cincinnati, as many predicted, went on to lose yet another first round game.

Bengals Head Coach, Marvin Lewis, will certainly be on the hot seat after this, His failure to win in the playoffs is one thing, But he is going to take a lot of heat for not roping his guys in when the game was all but over. I like Lewis but I think his days in Cincinnati may be numbered.

As the rain poured on both teams during the course of last night's game, the black cloud seemed to once again, hang primarily over the Bengals. A tough loss that will surely leave a bitter taste in the mouths of their fans for months to come...

kw

* Although I can appreciate how tough it is to lose a game like this, there is absolutely no excuse for fans to throw things onto the field. We saw this frequently last night from some of the Cincinnati fans. In my opinion, anyone caught throwing things onto the field should be ejected and/or arrested. There's no excuse for it. The fans that did this last night showed about as much discipline as their team's defense. And how'd that work out for you?

TV Overload

First off, Happy New Year to everyone!

Over the past week or so, I've been fortunate enough to have some of that ever-elusive down time. It's always nice, especially around the holidays, to have an open schedule. With the weather being unusually mild, I would have normally hit the tennis court. But I'm still nursing a sore shoulder and, defying my stubbornness, I decided to give it an extended rest.

Although I don't usually spend hours-on-end watching TV, that's exactly what I found myself doing, on and off, for the past week. Do I feel a bit unproductive? Absolutely. But I have to admit, it's been quite relaxing. So, during my recent phase as a couch potato/TV zombie, I've discovered a few things...

I recently caught an "old" comedy with Harvey Keitel and Cameron Diaz. (I guess I'm showing my age when 1996 is considered "a long time ago"). Anyway, the name of the movie was "Head Above Water". The movie itself was average at best. But the one thing that I observed is that Cameron Diaz was much hotter back then. I think all of the recent exercise and healthy eating has taken it's toll on her.

Yesterday, I found myself watching a "Banshee" marathon on Cinemax. I almost forgot how good this series was! Sex, drama and an unlimited supply of spontaneous violence....what more could you ask for? And there's just something unconventionally lusty about a provocative Amish girl.

I also found myself intermittently tuning into the "Dexter" marathon that was running on Showtime. Another great series that I used to look forward to each Sunday night. A serial killer that not only kills for all the right reasons, but he also happens to work for the Miami PD.

I've found that I'm consistently better on the 7:30 version of Jeopardy after I've already watched the 7:00 version. Amazingly, I still manage to get a few answers wrong on the latter episode.

For some unknown reason, I watched about fifteen minutes of "Howard The Duck". Aside from Star Wars, this might be the stupidest movie ever made. (Before any of you Star Wars geeks show up to crucify me...Relax, I'm kidding! The fact of the matter is that I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies. So, I really have no idea how stupid they really are.) By the way, what ever happened to Lea Thompson? Remember when she was supposed to be the next Hollywood bombshell?

Fargo is my ultimate go-to movie. It abruptly ends my channel-surfing every single time. They recently made a series that's based on the movie. I just finished watching the first season. It's got Billy Bob Thorton in it, so you know it can't be bad.

Fifty Shades of Gray.....did people actually pay money to see this movie? Admittedly, I did wind up watching a few minutes of it on one of the cable channels. What can I say? There's just something that naturally gets your attention when you stumble on someone getting their ass whipped. Literally......

Don't you hate it when you're engrossed in a meaningless TV show and they cut to one of those heart-retching animal commercials? Don't get my wrong, I love animals. But is it really necessary to segue to a sad puppy immediately after Seth gives a customer a verbal beat-down on Hardcore Pawn? It's enough to give a person an emotional breakdown.

Speaking of animals, "Dr. Pol" is another show that I will inevitably tune into at the exact moment I take a bite out of my breakfast sandwich. Let's just say that seeing a veterinarian's arm buried elbow-deep in a cow's ass has a way of ruining one's appetite.

Anyway, I think I've watched enough TV this week to last me for a while. Wait a minute, it's Sunday, right? The football games will be kicking off shortly. Ahh, just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in.....

kw