The Dance Floor Revisted

I've talked about the peculiarities of the dance floor in the past. I'm a little late getting around to writing this one, but after visiting a club a couple months ago, I've got a few more observations to add. So here we go....

The evening begins and I'm at a local nightclub with some friends. The band was quite good and, by their second or third song, they had already attracted a pretty decent crowd to the dance floor. Most the crowd went through the motions, throwing their arms in the air (like they just didn't care). But, as expected, there were a special few who stood out from the rest of the crowd.

The first person that drew my attention was a guy who resembled a pint-size version of Joe Pesci. Working his arms like he was skiing down a black diamond mountain, he made his way through the thick mass of dancing women. Every now and then, one of the women would lock eyes with him. This would essentially trap the poor girl into dancing with lil' Joe until the end of the song. At one point, he approached an attractive tall blonde woman. The vertical contrast created a moment of inevitable awkwardness. Sizing up the Amazon woman with arms a-flailing, it almost looked like he was going to climb her. The whole scene made me think of the movie Shallow Hal.

The next standout was an elderly man who looked like Grampa Munster (or an old version of Ted Cruz). It seems like every club has one of these guys. Even though he annoys most of the women, they always feel obligated to say, "Ahh, you're so cute." And of course, this only encourages him to cling on even longer. The smarter women just ignore him and then, although slightly discouraged, he'll move on to his next potential victim.

And then there are the "players"...... A couple of guys who looked like the lead characters in "A Night At The Roxbury" stood along the side of the dance floor. The middle-aged duo methodically scanned the room for inebriated women. Oozing with confidence, the guys bopped their gelled heads rhythmically to the beat of the music. Occasionally, a woman would look at them and smile. The guys would respond by pointing at the woman and then reciprocating with their own Crest White-strip smiles. They would then trade a few phony laughs before moving out to meet the girl on the dance floor.

The two guys creeped me out a little. They were dressed like they just appeared out of a time warp from 1977. One of the guys wore a silk shirt which was unbuttoned sufficiently enough to display an ample amount of chest hair. He also wore a heavy gold chain which came alive under the colorful rotating house lights. Not to be outdone, the other guy had a dangling gold bracelet which seemed to dance every time the guy took a sip of his drink.

Although these guys were probably harmless, my twisted mind imagined them slipping a couple ruffies into an unsuspecting girl's drink. And when the club closed at 2 am, I saw the Saturday Night Fever duo escorting the inevitable victim to their custom van where God only knows what would happen....

Just then, a woman interrupts the disturbing image by asking me to dance. This happened to be a woman whom the two gigolos had been hitting on moments earlier. Did she really want to dance with me? Or was this her way of asking me to save her? Regardless, I respectfully declined her invitation for a number of reasons. Number one, when I hit the dance floor, I'm like a bull in a china shop. Secondly, I'm married and I certainly didn't want to stir up any unnecessary controversy (even if it was to save a damsel in distress). And lastly, I didn't want to piss off the Bopsie Twins. For all I knew, they would plot revenge and I would be the one who was duct-taped in the back of their van at the end of the night.

The end of the night finally came around and everyone exited the club safely (I assume). To sum up the evening, it was rather entertaining.....

kw

Defensive Driving in the 'Hood

Through the years, I have found myself driving thorough bad parts of the of the city. While it can be quite unsettling at times, your chances of survival dramatically increase if you stay one step ahead of the bad guys. I have put together a list of preventive measures to take if you find yourself in a similar situation.

First off, I don't care how tough of a guy you are, you're gonna a be like a fish out of water when you're outnumbered 20-1 in a hostile environment. And if you venture in the lion's den and find yourself on the receiving end of an urban beat-down, unlike the old days, no one is going to intervene when you've "had enough". The assault could leave you permanently damaged or dead. So, unless you're backed into a corner with absolutely no other option, let's just try to avoid the situation.

So, let's get started....

When you're driving through a shitty neighborhood, you have to envision yourself as a shark. If you stop "swimming", you might expire. So, the first objective is to avoid stopping. If you find yourself approaching a red light, decrease your speed so it takes longer to get there, Hopefully, by the time you get to the light, it will be turning green. However, if you can't avoid stopping, try to leave enough space in front of you for a quick exit if things happen to go south.

(It probably goes without saying that you're doors should be locked and windows should be up)

Another key thing to keep in mind is that you'll want to avoid eye contact with any of the locals. Although you definitely want to survey your surroundings, people in the hood don't take too kindly to people looking at them. I can't really figure it out but they view this as a sign of "disrespect". Of course, they see nothing disrespectful when they shout "What the f*ck you lookin' at, mutha-f*cker?" Don't even attempt to understand it. Just try to avoid it.

When you're in places like Baltimore, follow the mayor's lead and "give them room to destroy", For instance, if you happen to see someone littering or urinating in the middle of the street, just ignore it (If you would like a detailed example of this type of thing, please read my blog entitled "It's Raining on Eutaw Street"*). Confronting the individuals in these situations can only end one way for you: bad. So, keep moving along...

Occasionally, you'll be approached by someone trying to shake you down. For example, while sitting at red lights, I've been approached by people with a wide variety of bullshit stories. But they all have one thing in common, they want your money. So, while they may not be jacking you up with a gun to your head, they're goal is the same. Don't get sucked into their game.

As a result of the red-light solicitors, your path may occasionally be impeded. Some of these ass-clowns will walk between moving traffic as the light turns green. And they would love nothing more than for you to bump them. At that point, they'll put on an Academy Award-worthy performance and claim that they're in critical condition. The next thing you know, they're in touch with some ambulance-chasing lawyer and they're trying to sue you blind. Make a serious effort to avoid making contact with these guys. However, if you do, try to bribe the guy with a bottle of Boone's Farm. If it works, it will be a cheap way out of a bad situation.

And with my last piece of advice, I'll share a personal experience......

My advice is quite simple: beware of roaming pit bulls. I had one run into the side of my car several years ago while driving through the 'hood. At first, I thought someone had thrown a brick at my car. Instinctively, I stopped the car and got out to investigate. As I looked at the small dent in the back rear quarter-panel, I noticed a disoriented pit bull under a nearby tree. Decked out in a fresh wife-beater, one of the residents quickly approached me. At first, I figured that he was the owner and was coning to defend the dog's honor. The adrenaline started to flow and I impulsively assumed a defensive position. If the guy made an aggressive move, I figured I could pop him first and then jump in my car and roll out while he was shaking off the cob webs. Duking it out with the guy wasn't a viable option. If he didn't kick my ass, there would soon be people coming out of the woodwork who certainly would.

Well, as the guy got closer, he didn't appear to be too threatening. As I let my guard down, he informed me that this particular pit bull belonged to the reverend of a nearby church. He told me that the dog was "bat-shit crazy" and that he would be fine. I glanced over and saw the dog still laying under the tree. As he stared back at me, the thought of a disoriented "bat-shit crazy" pit-bull charging at me raced through my mind. The guy in the wife-beater interrupted my daydream and told me that he would check on the dog and follow up with the reverend. I thanked him and then got safely out of Dodge.

Hopefully, you won't find yourself in any of these situations. But if you do, hopefully after reading this, you're a little more prepared....

kw

* http://kensmouthpiece.blogspot.com/2015/08/its-raining-on-eutaw-street.html

The Spider Beside Me

Earlier today, my phone rings and I see that it's a call from my sister-in-law (Toni). I answer the phone and before I could even finish saying "Hello", she fills my ear with a barrage of panic. I hear traffic in the background, so I immediately start to think that her car broke down or perhaps even worse, she got into an accident.

I ask her to slow down so I can try to comprehend what she's trying to say. She takes a deep breath and says, "Oh my God, Ken. You're not going to believe this!"

Of course, knowing Toni the way I do, there's not much that I wouldn't believe!

"Ok, settle down. What's going on?" I say, trying to calm her.

"Well, I'm driving down the road and this gigantic spider lands on my windshield. I'm not kidding you, Ken. This thing was huge! So, I turn on my windshield wipers to knock it off my windshield. But the wiper blade hits it and flings it into the air, then it flies right into my passenger side window. I hurried up and pulled into the Dash-in parking lot and jumped out of my car. I can't go back in the car with that huge spider in there."

Trying not to laugh, I ask, "Ok, what do you want me to do?"

"Are you in the area?" she asks.

I tell her that I am.

"Would you mind coming up to the Dash-In and driving my car home?" she asks.

Now, to be quite honest, I'm not that fond of spiders myself. And if this huge thing is lurking somewhere in the upholstery, I'm really not sure if I'm up to the challenge. But knowing that Toni is in a bad spot, I step up to the plate.

I drive up to the Dash-In and see Toni's car parked sideways on the end of the parking lot. It was similar to what a police car might look like if the cops bailed out to chase a bad guy. Anyway, I see Toni talking on the phone when I pulled up. With the concerned look on her face, it appeared that she might be arranging a visit from the SWAT team.

I get out of my car and walk toward her. She says, "Thank you so much, Ken. I really didn't know what to do. But there's no way I can drive that car until we find that spider. It's huge! It's black and it's it's got white spots!"

I'm thinking, "Great! Now, I've got to drive home with a giant panda spider!"

Preparing me for the worst, Toni hands me a rolled up magazine. She tells me to hit the spider with it if it should rear it's ugly head. Now, I was the one who was starting to feel the panic. If this thing was nearly as big as Toni described it, a whack of the magazine might only piss him off. I didn't like the idea of trying to fend this thing off while I'll was doing 50 mph.

So, I broke out the heavy artillery: a full roll of paper towels. I figured the blunt force of the paper towels might buy me enough time to make it to the next red light. If things reached a crisis level, I figured I could bail out of the vehicle and call 911. The "fight or flight" mechanism would surely be put to the test here.

Well, I finally summoned up the courage to enter the vehicle. I was hesitant to fasten the seatbelt. Strapping myself in would only make me easier prey for the panda spider. But as I started to pull out onto the road, I noticed a couple of county police officers directing traffic around some road construction. I would have to drive right past them on my way home. So, not wanting to get a ticket, I reluctantly belted myself in.

As I pulled out onto the road, I constantly scanned the car's interior for any signs of movement. The thought of this thing climbing down the back of my neck and into my shirt was a bit unsettling. I rolled down all of the windows thinking that this might blow the creature into the back of the vehicle. I accelerated, trying to get to point B as quickly as possible.

At a high rate of speed, I took a sharp curve on Fort Smallwood Road. The inertia must have been just enough to dislodge the spider from his hiding place because I did indeed see some movement on the console. Things were about to get real...

Sure enough, there he was. Sitting near the gearshift, he peered up at me through several sets of beady eyes. But instead of this rat-sized spider that I was expecting, with his legs extended, this thing was only about the size of a nickel. Was this really the same spider that Toni saw?

Not taking any chances, I popped him with the roll of paper towels. He shook it off and stared back at me in a defiant way. So, I whacked him again. This time, he rolled over on his side and conceded the battle to me. To be honest, I almost wished that he was a huge spider. At least it would have been somewhat of a challenge. But I wasn't even breathing heavy after this fight.

Of course, when we pull up in the driveway, Toni asked if I saw the spider. I told her that I sure did and that he was currently unconsciousness from my knockout blow. She was extremely thankful for me "saving the day". That's right, today I was Spiderman.....

kw

Dylan Plays Camden Yards

Every now and then, I'll have a weird dream. Most of the time, they stem from something that has being weighing heavy on my mind. Other times, the various sleep medications play tricks on my nocturnal mind. But this time, I can't really figure it out. For instance, Thursday night I had this dream where I was watching a baseball game at Camden Yards. This, in itself, isn't so surprising. I watch a lot of Oriole games and I had just finished watching them come from a 5-0 deficit to beat the Detroit Tigers. So, the baseball emotions were running pretty high when I headed to bed.

But what made this particular dream so peculiar is that my seat was near one of the concession stands. If you've ever been to Camden Yards, or almost any stadium for that matter, you know that the concession stands are inside the arena and usually out of view of the snack stands. Anyway, I'm sitting there staring at the concession stand when I notice that Bob Dylan is serving beer. Instead of his usual sport-coat and skinny tie, he is wearing the same attire as the other "regular" stadium workers. After I processed the image, I'm thought, "How cool is this? I think I'm gonna go down and order a beer from Bob Dylan!"

If Bob Dylan is working a stadium concession stand, you would naturally expect a bit of crowd to form. But there were only a handful of people milling around and they didn't seem to be paying any particular attention to the pop icon. Then, Bob spontaneously broke out an acoustic guitar and started playing "Like A Rolling Stone". Now, to be honest, I'm not a huge Dylan fan, but I thought it was pretty bad-ass that he was giving an impromptu concert from the beer stand. Still, the most peculiar thing was that no one else really seemed to notice. People continued their random conversations as the wiry-haired guy behind the counter belted out:

Once upon a time you dressed so fine.
Threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you?
People call say "Beware doll, you're bound to fall"
You thought they were all kiddin' you.....

He finished up his song and then casually went back to pouring beer. He nonchalantly handed cups of overpriced Coors Light to various O's fans. They seemed to have no clue that their humble server was actually one of the most renowned songwriters of our generation.

I decided to make my way to the beer stand. I exchanged some trivial banter with Mr. Dylan as he poured me a cup of Heavy Seas Loose Cannon. He handed it to me and said, "Good choice." It was like I was in the middle of a Super Bowl commercial. But nonetheless, I was impressed that Bob Dylan shared my taste in good quality beer.

I grabbed a cardboard coaster off the counter and asked Bob Dylan to sign it for me. He looked at me like I was crazy and then said, "Ok, if you insist." While shaking his head, he signed the coaster and handed it back to me. Then he asked if there was anything else that he could do for me. I replied, "No, I'm good now. Thank you, sir."

Scratching my head, I walked back to my seat. And Bob Dylan poured a beer for the next customer.....

kw

Can The GOP Reconcile With Trump?

So, it appears that there will be no contested convention as Ted Cruz and many other Republicans had hoped. I have to admit, although Ted Cruz would not have gotten the required delegates (1237) to win the GOP nomination, I was surprised that he dropped out of the race so suddenly. I figured he and John Kasich would stay in to prevent Trump from reaching the magic number. But that all goes out the window now...

So, now we have to start thinking about what comes next. Trump will have to inevitably pick a running mate. It's hard to imagine who what accept this role considering the people that Trump has pissed off along the way. Disagreeing on policy is one thing, but some of the insults that were routinely hurled during the campaign are hard to overlook. For instance, I can't imagine "Little Hands" Rubio or "Lyin' Ted" or "Jeb the Momma's boy" agreeing to ride on Trump's coat tails. 

The most talked about two VP candidates for Trump right now are Ben Carson or Chris Christie. Trump has managed to remain cordial to both of these guys, even when they were opposing candidates. Carson is respected by almost everyone. However, he has publicly said that he wouldn't really be interesting in running as Trump's VP. Christie, on the other hand, might be a little more obtainable. The New Jersey governor has been by Trump's side since announcing his endorsement for him back in February. And while some view Christie as a liberal Republican, he could possibly attract some of that coveted crossover support. 

Another option would be to choose a female running mate. Yeah, yeah, I know we should be picking people based on gender or ethnicity, but politics doesn't work like that. In addition to saying the things that people want o hear, elections also boil down to appealing to certain voter blocs. And Trump could probably stand to score a few points with women voters. A female running mate night help soften Trump's image to some degree. But I'm not quite sure who would be available. Sarah Palin has overstayed her welcome in the political arena, becoming more of a caricature than a legitimate spokesperson for the GOP. So, although she supports Trump, I think bringing her along would be a total disaster. Another name that I've heard mentioned is Meg Whitman. The former Ebay and current HP CEO would certainly make an attractive fit for a business mogul like Trump. But would she really want all of the inevitable chaos that would come with the task?

Some of the other possible VP's that I've heard are Newt Gingrich, Allen West and Condoleeza Rice. I have always liked Allen West and wished that he would someday run for President. So, Trump could do himself quite a favor by choosing a guy like that for VP.

As the campaign continues, another uncertainty is whether or not the majority of Republicans will get behind Trump. Some prominent members of the GOP has already voiced that they will not support Trump. For instance, the Bush's (Jeb, George W, and George H.W.) said that that will not support or vote for Trump. If this trickles down to the Republican constituency, it would all but guarantee a victory for Hillary Clinton in November. After sitting out the last presidential election, will they really open the White House door for another ultra-liberal Democrat?

The Republican party is at a real crossroads right now. When a contested convention was a possibility, things would certainly gotten a little dicey. But now that Trump is definitely going to be the nominee, the Republicans have some serious thinking to do. If they sit this one out and make Hillary our 45th President, I think it will set off a mutiny within the GOP. As a gesture of frustrated protest, I would expect to see many Republicans jump ship and register as Independent or 3rd Party.

As I've said before, the Republicans only have themselves to blame for all of this. Many have complained about candidates that were too politically correct and that were afraid to take the gloves off. And then here comes Trump with unfiltered abandon. While he might not be the candidate that everyone had hoped for, he is the last man standing out of a field of seventeen. With that being said, maybe if the Republicans wouldn't have flooded the initial campaign with so many candidates, another more "acceptable" choice may have risen to the top. So, in my opinion, there were many mistakes along the way. But if they decide to sit out the general election, the biggest mistake may be left to come....

kw