As I coasted along the desolate road, I scanned the wooded area for any imminent deer that might be waiting to pounce. The carnage on my previous ten miles of pavement convinced me that the deer were definitely lurking out there. I glanced at the radio and changed the station to Ozzy's Boneyard where I was lucky enough to catch the beginning of Dio's "Last In Line"....
"We're a ship without a storm
Cold without the warm
Light inside the darkness lit at peace, yeah...
We're a laugh without a tear
Hope without the fear
We are coming home"
I was grooving to the melody of the song and reminiscing about playing it with my old band mates back in the day. And then, just when the tempo picks up and Ronnie James is about to head off to the witch, I saw it......
Crawling on the back window of my SUV was the biggest wasp I've seen since President Taft. The thought of this thing stinging me brought instant sweat beads to my forehead. I knew I had to pull over to deal with this dire situation. However there was no shoulder on the road. My head was on a swivel as I frantically surveyed the area for a safe place to pull over. But my only option was to pull off into a marshy ditch. So, I decided to keep moving...
My speed increased as the wasp slowly made his way across the entire length of the back window. I started to get delusional. For a moment, I could have sworn I heard him say, "Whoa! Slow the f*#$ down! I'm not wearing a seat belt back here!"
Then, things got even darker. He was no longer crawling on the window! Where could he be? My fear is that he would make his way to the driver's seat. As I imagined him quietly bouncing off the interior of the car like a ninja in the night, I tried to prepare myself for what I saw as an inevitable showdown. So, I armed myself with an old USA Today that was laying on my passenger's seat. I would have traded my stack of Mega-Millions tickets for a can of wasp spray at this point!
In a bit of twisted irony, AC/DC's "Can I Sit Next To You" started to play on the radio. The thought of this thing sitting next to me in the confined space of the car was terrifying. My hope was that he would ultimately position himself where I could get a safe but respectable whack at him with the rolled-up newspaper.
As I continue down the road at breakneck speed, I catch movement on the back windshield again. He's back on the radar! I can't lose sight of him again! So, I finally pull into a makeshift driveway on the deserted road. As I got out and walked to the back of the car, there was an eerie Hitchcock-esque vibe in the air. The wasp stared at me through the inside of the window. I felt safe but violated at the same time. After all, he had invaded my space. And he was still in it.
I finally gathered up the courage to open the hatchback. I slowly raised it with my left hand as I clenched the USA Today firmly in my right. I expected the wasp to eventually fly off into the open air. But he clung to the window throughout it's full motion. With the hatchback completely raised, he just sat on the window on looked at me. Maybe it was because I was now out in the open, but for some reason, the wasp didn't seem so scary anymore. In fact, it almost seemed like we developed a bond. The thought of smashing him with the newspaper now seemed unreasonable. But I surely didn't want to resume my journey with him in the car with me. So, I slowly brushed him off the window and out of the car. I expected him to fly away. But to my surprise, he slowly crawled around on the ground a few feet from me. It was kind of like a dog rolling around in front of you to gain your affection.
As I made my way back to the driver's seat, I looked back one last time. The damn thing was actually crawling towards me! I actually think he wanted to get back into the car. Did I just make friends with a wasp? Whatever the case, I got back into car and just shook my head as made my way back onto the road......
kw