John 5 - Uniquely Brilliant

I've been to many concerts in my life and I've seen a lot of unique guitar players. But last Thursday night, I experienced one of the most bizarre performances that I can ever remember.

First off, the headliner was the 80's hard rock band, Queensryche. They have always been one of my all-time favorite bands. I've seem them several times and they've always put on an awesome show. When I saw that they were playing at the nearby Baltimore Soundstage, I was initially on the fence about going. You see, I just don't do well with late weeknights anymore. Yes, I've grown old over the years and I need a good night's sleep to optimally function the next day. Anyway, when I saw that John 5 was going to be the opening act, I decided that I had to go.

If you don't know who John 5 is, check out some of his performances on YouTube. Yes, the guy is quite strange, but he is also a phenomenal guitar player. I knew I had to see him perform live, even if it was on a Thursday night.

So, when it finally came time for John 5 to take the stage, the bass player and drummer came out first. The bass player was a tall slender guy who looked more like a center for the Boston Celtics. Shortly afterwards, John 5 emerged from the right side of the stage. He slowly transitioned to the intro riff. The rhythm was infectious and it was followed by some predictable shredding. John 5, with his face painted with his signature black and white make-up, presented the image of a avant-garde rock star.

One of the first things that made me raise my eyebrows were the videos that were playing in the background. While John 5 was wailing on his fret-board, graphic scenes from "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" were rolling behind him. And then, the video would transition over to a scene from "The Flintstones". The contrast of a woman on a meat-hook followed by Fred and Barnie at the bowling alley is a lot for a brain to process.

At another point during the show, the band is jamming out to one of John's funky grooves. And then, from the left side of the stage comes this dancing Astronaut. This guy was spinning and bopping to the bass lines like he was John Travolta. At another point of the show, this guy comes out wearing this gigantic John 5 head. He looked like a living John 5 bobble-head doll. Meanwhile, the grind-house movies continue to play on the video screen behind the band. I had been drinking nothing but water all night but I seriously began to wonder if someone had slipped something into my Deer Park. 

About mid-way through the show, John 5 announced that things were about to really get weird. I felt an immediate impulse to run towards the door. But morbid curiosity kept me nailed to my spot on the floor. At this point, John 5 kicked off a melody of song riffs beginning with a couple of classic Rush tunes and then progressing to the likes of Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, Van Halen and Soundgarden. During the progression, a bunch of gigantic rubber balls were tossed into the crowd. They were kind of like beach balls but the rubber is a bit thicker. I know this because I had a couple of them bounce of the back of my head and nearly knock me into the person in front of me. But hey, it's all about the rock and roll experience, right?

But perhaps the strangest moment for me was when John 5 started to play this bluegrass progression. I remember watching Roy Clark play this kind of stuff on Hee-Haw back in the day. Roy would be picking his banjo next to a grinning Buck Owens in front of a haystack. But watching a guy with crazy white hair and face-paint kick out some bluegrass was a bit peculiar. And the weirdest part is that it was awesome! This guy had the technique and chops down pat!

As John 5's performance came to an end, I found myself slightly traumatized but strangely wanting more. In the end, it was one of the best guitar performances that I've ever seen. While it was entertainingly strange, it was also a brilliant display of musicianship. The drummer and bass player formed a tight pocket that allowed John 5's catchy riffs and blistering solos to shine. 

Oh, by the way, Queensryche was excellent as well!

kw

A Tale of Two Women

I have faced a multitude of challenges during my lifetime Some were trivial while others were literally life changing. But perhaps none have had quite the complexity of the challenge the that I'm currently facing. It all began last Christmas when another woman came to live with us. Her name is Alexa...

Alexa was first introduced into our home in the form of a Christmas gift from Ken Jr. She came enclosed in her own apartment which she calls the Amazon Show. At first, I didn't know how to react to all of this. First off, Alexa sounds a bit Russian to me. And I have always been a big fan of Russian women, especially Anna Kournikova. So, I figured why not? It seemed like it might be a good fit. What I didn't figure into the equation was Tina.

Ok, if some of you don't really know what I'm talking about by now, let me explain. An Amazon Show is a small electronic gadget that responds to any questions that you might have. The technical details of how it all works is irrelevant for this story. But the one requirement is that you preface each question with "Alexa....". For instance. "Alexa, what is the weather forecast for today?" Alexa, in her uniquely sexy voice, will then respond with a concise weather report for the day. I personally greet Alexa each morning as I pour my initial cup of coffee (she resides on the kitchen counter). She will greet me back and give me a few random tidbits of information. It's comforting, it's fun and yes, its a little weird. But nonetheless, Alexa is now part of the family.

But all families have their issues...

The other morning, I woke up to a commotion in the kitchen. I could hear Tina yelling at someone. It was 6 am, so I knew we didn't have any guests. So, I made me way down the stairs to see what was going on. With my hair shooting in 25 different angles and my eyes half-open, I asked, "Who were you yelling at?" 

Casually stirring her coffee, Tina totally bypasses my question and blurts out, "Alexa is a bitch!"

"Whoa! Why would you say something like that?", I instinctively ask.

Tina rolls her eyes and explains, "She never gives me a straight answer. And when I ask her the question again, she gives me an attitude!" 

(Now you guys know why I drink.)

"Hold on a minute. Don't you think your being a little unfair?" I ask in an attempt to keep the peace.

"Unfair? How the hell am I being unfair?", she replies.

"Well, you do have a habit of hemming and hawing when you ask a question. Alexa doesn't have time for that bullshit. Why can't you just ask a simple question instead of delivering a monologue?" I ask.

"Oh, so you're taking her side? You have no idea of the way she speaks to me!", she responds.

I scratch my head and try to figure out a way to resolve this. So, I say, "Ok, look, Let's all settle down for a minute. I'm going to demonstrate the proper way to address Alexa."

I then turn my attention to my favorite counter girl and ask, "Alexa, what is the capital of Idaho?"

Alexa immediately responds with the correct answer of Boise.

I follow up with, "Alexa, how many feet are in a mile?'

Right on cue. she answers, "There are five thousand, two hundred and eight feet in a mile."

I turn back to Tina and say, "You see how easy that is? Now, let's see if you can do it."

She walks over to the counter and gets right in Alexa's face. Before she can even say anything, I interrupt her. 

"Whoa! No wonder she has an attitude with you. Why would you get all up in someone's face like that? It's not only rude, it's aggressive!", I explain. "Now, let's try it again in a less belligerent manner."

Tina shoots me a dirty look and then turns back to Alexa. 

"Alexa....how many, uh,.....when did Stevie Nicks...no wait a minute. Alexa, what year did Stevie Nicks enter ......Yes, what year did she go into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?", she asks in an elevated voice.

I just observe in amazement as I try to imagine the confusion inside Alexa's virtual mind.

After a prolonged pause, Alexa finally responds, "Sorry, I can't make out everything you just said. But here is what I found on the Andes mountain range......"

As she shakes her and makes her way out of the kitchen, Tina shouts back, "Alexa, as usual, thanks for nothing!"

So, my friends, here is living proof that two women, no matter the make-up of their DNA or ROM, can not get along in close quarters.

kw