Chad vs. Lewis - The Recurring Swatdown

Lewis spends most of his day sleeping. His intermittent slumbers are interrupted only by his occasional desire to eat. He's a happy-go-lucky fellow that usually minds his own business.  I guess you could call him a cool cat. Mainly, because he is a cat.

My long-time friend, Chad, was first introduced to Lewis about ten years ago. The relationship started off without much ado. But it gradually escalated into the tumultuous kinship that they currently share. This is their story.... 

In ways, their interactions could be loosely compared to the Michael Douglas/Glenn Close relationship in "Fatal Attraction". Of course, Lewis doesn't wield a knife or a pair of scissors. Instead, he possesses a set of sharp claws. I've been told that he sharpens these claws whenever hears that Chad will be visiting. But I have not witnessed it for myself.

Much like an approaching storm, Chad's arrival casts an ominous shadow over Lewis's demeanor. As Chad's Dodge minivan (ironical referred to as "The Black Tiger") rolls into my driveway, you can see the hair on Lewis's back start to stand up.. His tail fluffs up like a Swiffer duster. He then begins to methodically pace the room. (I like to refer to this part as the calm before the storm).

As Chad walks towards the house, a subtle growl can be heard. I have never known a cat to growl, but Chad brings out even the most mystical things in Lewis. Instead of hiding out in the basement or one of the upstairs bedrooms, the black cat perches himself a top the dining room table. From here, he gets a better vantage point. After all, Chad outweighs Lewis by about 200 pounds. So, any strategic advantage is welcomed.

As Chad enters the room, Lewis greets him with an icy stare. His eyes lock on him like a heat-seeking missile. Chad approaches Lewis and greets him with, "What's up, you worthless piece of shit?!" 

Lewis is not impressed by Chad's blatant display of disrespect. For a brief moment, he thinks about responding with a quick open-pawed swat to teach him some manners. But he stays composed and responds only by locking his stare even tighter. He has learned that there are times to pounce. And this is not the time. 

As Chad and other guests move out to the back yard, Lewis takes a deep breath transitions into a comfortable slumber. He will rest for now....

A little while later, Chad re-enters the house to use the bathroom. After expelling several Bud Light Limes from his system, Chad emerges from the hallway bathroom feeling a bit more courageous. But still, he approaches Lewis very cautiously. Chad slowly moves his right hand under the cat's chin. Instinctively, Lewis raises his left paw and assumes his fighting stance. Chad then makes a sudden move and instantly pays for it. With lightning-quick precision, Lewis opens up Chad's forearm with three razor thin gashes. 

Shouting a slew of profanities, Chad pulls back and clutches his arm. Most sane individuals would just acknowledge defeat and move on. But Chad will have none of that. He reaches back in with his left hand, thinking that he can somehow outsmart the cat. But this too would prove to be futile. Lewis fakes a swipe with his left paw and then sinks his teeth into webbing between Chad's thumb and index finger. As Lewis retracts his teeth, he doubles down and throws a jab with his right paw. He lands cleanly and adds a few more puncture wounds to Chad's already bleeding hand. If Chad had a corner man, he would have thrown in the towel by now. Lewis, knowing that he's fully in charge now, simply releases his grip and shows Chad some mercy. He would rather leave Chad a little battered than permanently maim him. He wants to assure that Chad will keep coming back.

It's like watching one of those old Kimbo Slice videos.....

Feeling equally pissed and beaten, Chad retreats to the kitchen and grabs a wad of paper towels to wrap his injuries. He carefully walks by Lewis on the way out the door. As he passes, he mumbles more profanities under his breath. Lewis looks at him as if to say, "Keep coming back. I'm here all day." 

Chad rejoins the group outside. He loudly announces that Lewis is an asshole. Everyone sees the bloody wrap around his hands. But no one even bats an eye. We've all seen it before. Chad enters the house unscathed, picks a fight with the cat, gets his ass kicked by the cat and then emerges the house with his hands wrapped in paper towels. What's the old saying about doing the same thing over and over and then expecting different results? At some point, you've got to acknowledge that you're overmatched. 

There was a time when Lewis would track down and catch an occasional insect that found it's way into our house. But ever since Chad entered the picture, he doesn't react at all to these things anymore. Instead, he reserves all of his energy for the human pin cushion that he calls Chad.

kw

M3 Festival 2021 - The First Night Back

Yesterday, I ventured down down to Columbia, MD to check out Day 1 of the traditional M3 Rock Festival at Merriweather Post Pavilion. The bands on the bill were The Iron Maidens (an all-female Iron Maiden tribute band), Tokyo Motor Fist (a last minute addition made of musicians from several 80's bands), Slaughter (a successful 90's band) and local legends, Kix.

Celebrating the return of live music is something that I looked forward to. Although I've seen a few local bands at various bars over the past six months, this would be my first venture into a large venue since COVID reared it's ugly head. I felt especially good for the musicians who have pretty much been out of work for the past year and a half.

It's always a tradition to grab dinner and a couple of beers at nearby restaurant prior to any concert. So, in yesterday's case, John (my brother-in-law) and I stopped off at Union Jack's, an English-style pub/restaurant. The food was ok but, most interesting, was that they had Red Stripe beer on tap. Risking a beer faux pas by ordering a Jamaican lager in an English pub, I went for it. It was light and refreshing, the perfect primer for the evening ahead.

As progressed through dinner, John continued to remind me that we had to be in line by a certain time to ensure that we would be in our seats by the time the opening band (The Iron Maidens) took the stage. He's a bit obsessive these days. I kept telling him to relax and assured him that we would make it in plenty of time.

We eventually settled our check and made our way across the street towards the venue. A small line had already formed. As we took our spot in the line, I checked my phone and saw that it was now 5:20. We were then told that the gates would not open until 6:00. I turned to John and said, "Are you f*cking kidding me? We have to stand here for 40 minutes?? I hope you're happy." (We're like Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in "Grumpy Old Men" sometimes). A short time later, I was delighted to hear that they would be opening the gates at 5:30 instead. 

As we made our way in, we could hear the band going through their sound check. We could hear Kirsten, the lead singer, belting out the familiar vocal bridge to "The Trooper". We had known Kirsten prior to her time with The Iron Maidens, so we were really looking forward to seeing her perform on the big stage.

As the band took the stage and kicked into a familiar Iron Maiden song, that melodic energy that we had been missing for so long rapidly made it's way through the venue. The band was very polished as they played a variety of Maiden songs. I especially enjoyed "The Trooper" as Kirsten introduced the song by waving the British flag and later transitioning to the American flag. A fitting tribute for the July 4th weekend. To sum up their performance, the Iron Maidens were awesome! They re-introduced live music back to Merriweather in stellar fashion.

The next band, Tokyo Motor Fist, was introduced by former "That Metal Show" host, Eddie Trunk. The band, who I was not familiar with, kicked off with a typical "80's rock sounding" song. The band members consisted of guys who had enjoyed moderate success with other 80's bands (Trixter, Danger-Danger, Ted Nugent, Rainbow, Alice Cooper). I did not know any of their original songs but they did a really good cover of Rainbow's "Street of Dreams" with bass player, Greg Smith, doing a respectable job on lead vocals. They also did Trixter's "Give It To Me Good" with original guitarist, Steve Brown, delivering the lead vocals. Overall, the band gave a great performance and I really enjoyed them.

Next up was Slaughter, a band who wrote some really good songs back in the early 90's. Their two most notable tunes are "Up All Night (Sleep All Day)" and the power ballad "Fly To The Angels". I had never seen these guys live before, so I was really looking forward to it. Well, when they launched into their first song, my ear drums nearly exploded! I'm not kidding, they were so loud that I could feel the impact of every drum kick and bass note like an assault of baseball bats against my chest.. I was worried that my heart might be knocked out of rhythm by mid-song. The clarity of the songs was overwhelmed by the enormous volume. You could barely distinguish the guitar solo from the singer's shreiking voice. Yes, I know I'm getting old, but this was ridiculous. It could have been so much better if they could have just turned it down a notch.

Speaking of getting old, I'm guessing that the average age of the crowd was 50-something. And some of them were dressed like they came to the show directly from 1982. Hey, whatever makes you happy. By the way, what's up with the canvas Converse fish-heads that all of these old guys wear? Hey guys, do yourself a favor and throw those stupid looking things away and pick yourself up a nice pair of black leather boots. Way more rock and roll in my opinion.

Sorry, I got a bit off track.....

During the intermission there was an impressive fireworks display in the lawn area. The noise of the exploding projectiles was thunderous! But it paled in comparison to the Slaughter set we had just experienced. 

The finale of the first night always belongs to local boys, Kix. I've seen Kix many times before and they never disappoint. It's a shame that they never made it any bigger back in the day. They had everything that you would ever expect from a great rock band: energetic songs, catchy hooks, infectious guitar riffs and a charismatic front man who literally "moves like Jagger". 

Kix played most of their popular songs and the crowd responded favorably. Kix's last album was titled "Rock Your Face off" and that's exactly what they did throughout the duration of their set. It seems like Kix has been around forever but they perform with the same precision and energy that they did back in the early 80's. They delivered the goods and closed down the night with an exclamation point!

It was really good to get out again to experience a real concert. It's been long overdue. There are two more days of M3 concerts (today and tomorrow). But at my age, one night out is about all I can handle. Until next time....

kw