Everyone has their own unique way of relaxing. Me? I like to sit out in my back yard in the morning or early evening and read. Reading
I’m not sure why, but every time I start to read, there will be something to inevitably distract me. A few weeks ago, no sooner I sit down in my Adirondack chair and crack open a book, someone starts revving up a chainsaw. All day long it’s quiet, but as soon as I try to relax, one of my neighbors decides to start playing lumberjack! I’m half tempted to hunt down Paul Bunyan and kick his ass. But considering he has a chainsaw and I’m armed with only my Sean Hannity book, I realize that I’m at a huge disadvantage. So, I call him an asshole under my breath and let it go…..
And other times, an army of Hispanic landscaping guys will take over the neighborhood with their loud industrial strength weed eaters and self-propelled lawn mowers. As I try to finish a chapter of my book, Pedro comes whizzing by on a lawnmower like George Jetson on a spaceship. And the chorus of weed-whackers sounds like a swarm of angry bees who were just hit with a blast of wasp spray. It’s deafening! I just pack it up and head into the house.
One summer afternoon, I was reading by the pool. About ten years too late, one of my neighbors finally “discovers” Shania Twain. He blares her “Come On Over” CD about a twenty consecutive times! ( I guess I should have told him the album was called Come On Over and not Play It Over.) I’m not kidding you, it was maddening! I think I still have every word to “Honey, I’m Home” memorized!
It’s not just the people who derail my reading time. It’s the animals too. For instance, one neighbor has a couple dogs that bark constantly. I have no idea what they’re barking at. I don’t think they know either. I’ve actually thought of tossing them a T-bone steak just so I can have a few minutes of peace!
And just this morning, I was trying to read out on my back porch. The weather was nice and I was enjoying a cup of coffee while firing myself up with my latest political book. The only sounds (for now) were a few chirping birds. But I knew it was too good to be true. Before long, two blackbirds about ten feet away start fighting over a piece of bread. They were pecking at each other and squawking like the world was ending. I can’t take it any more, so I get up and, like a moron, try to reason with them…….
“For Christ’s sakes, can you two please knock it off! I’ve got a bird feeder in the backyard full of good bird food! And you two assholes are fighting over a piece of stale bread? Come on!!”
As I get dangerously close to the tipping point, a woodpecker takes this opportunity to start hammering on a nearby tree. I can’t believe this! Is he intentionally messing with me? I feel myself starting to become Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining. I have no idea what tree the woodpecker is in, so I just start throwing handfuls of dirt and rocks in the general area of the pecking. He pauses temporarily but starts back when he realizes that I have no clue where he is. I really start to worry about my sanity when I think I hear him say, “It’s hammer time. Can’t touch this….”
I finally decide to give up the fight after I notice a couple neighbors peeking out of the windows at me. At this point, I go back into the house and pop open a cold beer. Maybe next time I want to get some reading done, I‘ll just go to the library!
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