Backyard Mechanic

With today's more sophisticated computerized engines, the backyard mechanic is disappearing faster than Charlie Sheen's career. Back in the day, you could fix almost engine problem with a set of combination wrenches and a screwdriver. But today, you need electronic diagnostic tools and a degree in mechanical engineering.

When I was sixteen and first started driving, my dad showed me how to change the oil in my car. Although it was a relatively simple task, it gave me a sense of accomplishment knowing that I was capable of performing a maintenance procedure on an automobile. I couldn't wait to get my hands dirty!

The one thing my dad neglected to mention was that you should never change your oil on a windy day. So, being oblivious to the weather conditions, I eagerly crawled under my car to perform my first solo oil change. I carefully positioned the drain pan under the oil plug. I unscrew the plug and the oil comes spewing out like a gusher in a Texas oil field. The gusting wind causes the oil to spray everywhere except into the drain pan. Dirty oil runs down my arm and splatters across my face as I frantically try to screw the plug back it. I don't think there's an ounce of oil left in the engine by the time I finally got it back in. When it was over, I looked like I had just worked a double shift on an oil rig and the street looked like the crash site of the Exxon Valdez. To make matters worse, I ruined a perfectly good Def Leppard concert shirt!

Never being one to learn from his mistakes, a few months later I decided that it was time to change the spark plugs. And I figured while I was at it, I might as well change the wires too. I mean, how hard could it be? So, I pull all of the old wires off and take all of the old spark plugs out. Then I install the new plugs and attach the new wires to them. So far, so good. But I ran into a snag when I went to put the other end of the wires on the distributor cap. I couldn't remember the way the old ones came off. After thinking about it for a minute or two, I decided it probably didn't matter. So, I ad libbed and put them on in no particular order. Bad decision!

When I started the car, the engine was making noises that I never heard before. It was sputtering and hesitating with reckless abandon. I was thinking that it might blow up so I turned it off. Now, keep in mind that this engine had eight cylinders. So, figuring out the correct combination would be like picking the winning lottery number.

Although I knew my Dad would mentally browbeat me for this, I had no choice but to ask for his help.
After I told him about my latest blunder, I just sat back with my oil-slicked hair and absorbed his tirade for what seemed like forever. When he eventually finished, we walked out to the car. As my dad cursed me under his breath, we tried endless wire combinations with no luck. Then, I remembered that I had a friend that worked in an auto parts store. Maybe he could help me. Sure enough, he was able to provide me with the correct sequence for the wires. I was happy to have my car running but I was disappointed that I didn't call him first!

I'm happy to report that my mechanical ability has gotten somewhat better over the years. However, if it requires more than a wrench or a screwdriver, I let the professionals handle it....

KW