A Day of Non-Christmas Shopping

Right in the mist of the hectic holiday shopping season, I found myself needing a few personal items. As luck would have it, I would have to make three stops. So, I finally got my head together and prepared to set out for what would be an eventful journey.

My first stop is at BJ's Wholesale Club where the parking lot is expectantly jam-packed. Watching the "Battle of the Parking Spaces" from a safe distance, I decide to park at the far end of the lot and walk off a portion of the burger I had for lunch. As I get closer to the front entrance, I hear no fewer than three profanity-laced exchanges between the Battle participants. It really puts me in the Christmas spirit.....

Once I get inside, I walk over to the computer section so I can pick up item number one: ink cartridges for my printer. I grab them and start for the checkout line. When I see about eight people in the shortest line, I decide to kill a little time by looking around the store (or is it a warehouse?). A store employee asks if I'd like to sample what appears to be a Hickory Farms summer sausage. Imagining what these things are made of, I politely decline.

As I move towards the back of the store, I nearly lose my kneecaps to one of those silly looking shopping carts with the kid's car on the front. Thanks to my gazelle-like agility, I'm able to jump out of the way just before impact. The woman "driver" apologizes but the kid in the car seems to really have gotten some amusement out of the near collision. Personally, I think he was giggling just a bit too much.....

I decide to head to the checkout line again. The self checkout lines are a little less backed-up. So, I forego the human interaction and eventually scan my package. Of course, there's a problem. It doesn't scan the first time so I try it several more times. I guess there's a limit on the amount of times you can incorrectly scan an item because a flashing police-like light begins to flash above my scanner. An expressionless young lady comes over and puts a key into an override switch and then punches in a secret code. She walks away without looking at me and tells me to try it again. I do and it finally scans.

I pay for my item and then head towards the exit. There, I run into another line. This is where we all have to get our goods inspected to make sure that we didn't steal anything. I always hate this at the whoesale clubs. The familiar lady at the door gives the "Hello-How ya doin'-Thank you-Bye Bye-Have a good one-Thank you-Bye Bye" routine (if you've ever been to the Pasadena BJ's, you know what I'm talking about).

Next stop...Sears. To pick up item number two: an axe......

As I roll out of the parking lot and prepare to make a right turn onto the main street, there's an inconsiderate asshole in front of me who decides to ignore the No Left Turn sign. So, I wait a few minutes and then I start to get really annoyed. I get tired of following the rules just to watch pricks like this do as they please. So, I give me a little toot of my horn as I point to the No Left Turn sign. He flips me the bird! Can you believe this? Returning the Christmas cheer, I flip him off and lay on my horn a little more. He finally guns his engine, makes his left turn and bolts out into traffic, narrowly missing an oncoming car.

I make a right turn and head out to the main street where I immediately hit a red light. Absorbed in John Cougar's "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", I don't realize that the light tuned green. This causes the driver behind me to not toot, but lay on his horn which causes my middle finger to immediately go up. The driver really needs to learn the appropriate use of the horn. There's a huge difference between a toot and full blast. And admittedly, I need to work on the liberal use of my middle finger.....

I finally get to Sears only to find out that they are completely out of axes. How can the home of Craftsman tools  not have a single ax? Is there a Paul Bunyan convention in town?

Disappointed, I abandon the ax idea for the day and move on to item number three:  2012 refill pages for my Day-Planner.

I pull into the Office Depot parking lot where I see several people walking their dogs into neighboring Petsmart. I never quite understood why pet owners feel the need to take their pets shopping.

As I make my way into the Office Depot, I'm greeted by a young man wearing one of those earpieces with the microphone that sticks out in front of his face. He looks more like an air traffic controller than an Office Depot employee. I go back to the Day-Planner section. While I'm searching for my refills, a woman walks right in front of me, actually bumping me as she goes by. There's not so much as an "Excuse me" from her. Maybe it's good that Sears didn't have that ax after all.

Later on, I see this same woman bump into a tub of Sharpies, knocking several of them to the floor. Of course, she moves on and doesn't bother to pick them up. I'm sorry, but ignorant people like this shouldn't be allowed to shop unsupervised.

I  see another woman who is trying to decide between two inexpensive e-Readers. I tell her to spend the extra money and get the Nook or the Kindle. She thanks me but I still think that she went with the off-brand model to save a few bucks.

I pay for my item and the young cashier encourages me to go online and fill out a survey regarding my shopping experience. I never fill those things out but I'm seriously considering copying and pasting this blog entry into their survey just to see if I get a reaction.

Later on, in attempt to wind down, I decide to join some friends at a neighborhood pub for a drink. As I walk toward the front door, an intoxicated guy stumbles out and greets everyone with a cheerful "Merry F*cking Christmas"! Real nice.......

Shopping for me always tends to be adventurous, but never so much as around Christmas. Maybe next year, I'll try to order my ax and Day-Planner refills online. But then again, that's what I say every year.....

kw