Let's Sue Somebody!

Drinking my first cup of coffee this morning and trying to catch up on the morning news, I was ambushed by one of those lawyer commercials. You know, the type that starts out with, "Have you or someone you know ever been the victim of bodily injury or some other mishap that was no fault of your own? If so, please contact the law offices of Joe Blow, Attorney at Law. We won't rest until you get paid!"

Maybe it was due to the fact that I was half asleep, but it somehow peaked my interest. I mean, if it's so easy to sue someone and then receive a  fat-ass check, put me in coach! The only problem I have is that I don't have anyone to sue.

So, in the land of ridiculous lawsuits, I figured it wouldn't be too hard to come up with something. For instance, just yesterday, some little pecker-head in a Prius cut me off and gave me the finger. My feelings were a little hurt and now I'm thinking that I might have some permanent behavioral issues. Because now, every time I see someone in Prius, I have the uncontrollable urge to flip him off. I have no idea who the original driver was, but would it be possible just to go after Toyota, since they manufacture the car?

And just last week, I found myself taking a detour on Fort Smallwood Road near Curtis Bay. Before I had time to react, a gut-retching stench hit me so hard that I nearly passed out. Since there were no visible signs of a dead skunk, I have to assume that the smell was coming from one of the nearby factories. So, can I sue one of them for putting me through this putrid experience? Someone needs to pay up......

We've all heard the stories of people who look for potential lawsuits at the grocery stores and various retailers. If there happens to be a spill in aisle five, you can bet your ass that someone will be willing to bust their ass to get a fat settlement check.

And who can forget the infamous coffee incident from McDonald's several years ago? As a result, we now see warning labels on coffee cups to warn us that the contents are hot. Really? Isn't coffee is supposed to be hot! I'm wondering  how long it will be before we see warning labels on bathtubs that say: "Do not submerge your head for extended amounts of time without approved scuba gear."

Speaking of frivolous lawsuits, here's one from many years ago.......

My dad and I were doing a remodeling project in the Baltimore area. Every day, there was a young couple (I'm guessing late 20's/early 30's) who would walk by the front of the house. The purpose of their daily trek was to pick up a case of cheap beer at the nearby liquor store. I'm assuming that neither of them worked and they were enjoying a government subsidized party each afternoon.

Anyway, the homeowner happened to own a large dog. Well, one day, the dog happened to be in the yard when the ambitious couple were making their predictable beer run. Apparently, the dog ran towards the fence and barked, thus frightening the female half of the dynamic duo. Ok, so she got a little startled. It's not like the dog attacked her. What's the big deal, right?

(I would describe this part as the punchline if only it wasn't true.........)

The homeowner told us that the woman got a lawyer and was threatening to sue her. For what, you ask? She said that because of the mental trauma she suffered, she was now unable to preform sexually! No, I'm not making this up. And let me tell you, from what I recall of the girl's appearance, that dog did humanity a service if he really did impair her sexual appetite! She had a face that could make an onion cry. I never did find out what the end result was, but just the fact that someone would actually pursue something like this is mind boggling.....

So, whenever I see those advertisements from the law-firms, I have to wonder how many opportunists come scurrying out of the woodwork looking for an easy payday.........

kw