Linda's 70th Birthday

First off, I'd like to thank everyone for coming out today and helping us celebrate my Mom's special birthday. These personal milestones are a lot more special when you can share them with family and friends. We really do appreciate you being here.....

In the past, whenever I reached one of those special birthdays, my mother would always ask, "So, Ken, what's it feel like to be 25, 30, 40, etc." So, I think it's only fitting to ask....

"So, Mom. What's it feel like to be 70?"

I know my mother is 70 now. And her mobility is not what it once was. But don't let that fool you. She still gets around more than you might think. Her wheelchair's probably traveled more miles than a New York taxi cab. In fact, she has literally burned up at least two of them. One of the more memorable burn-outs took place aboard the MTA Mobility bus. With her wheelchair smoking and the fire department on the way, the other passengers on the bus were obviously a bit concerned. But my mother, remaining calm and collected, took control of the situation and said, "Relax, everybody. It's just my chair. Happens all the time." When the firefighters eventually showed up, the first thing they said was, "Hi Linda. Smoked another one, huh?"

Another time, we were at a funeral service, of all places. At some point, there was the distinct smell of an electrical fire. It seemed to be coming from a back room where some overhead projectors and audio equipment were stored. Of course, my mom, who is always quick to say what's on her mind, starts complaining to the funeral director....

"Something's burning. Don't you have somebody who can take of this? Dern!" (By the way, "dern" happens to be my mom's favorite swear word)

Anyway, the poor funeral director is scrambling around to try and figure out where the burning smell is coming from. The whole time, my mother continues to lay it on.....

"Come on, Ervin. Get me outside! Somebody needs to get this fixed! Dern!"

Well, as we started to wheel her out of the place and down the long hallway, the burning smell just wouldn't go away. Of course, it didn't take long to for us to realize that the burning smell was actually coming from the motor on my mom's wheelchair. As we broke the news my mom, it reminded my of that old classic movie line, "M'am, we've traced the call and it's coming from inside your house."

You would think that this would be a sign for her to slow down. But we all know that's never gonna happen......

Many people can tell you that my mother likes to be in control. And if she asks you to do something once, she'll remind you to do at least a dozen more times.

I know I've told this story before, but it really helps to illustrate my point......

Several years ago, around the Christmas holidays, Mom asks me to pick her up a bottle of Egg Nog. Now, it couldn't be just any ol' Egg Nog. It had to be Pennsylvania Dutch. So, I say, "Ok, Mom, no problem. I got it."

This, of course, brings a sour look from her face and she says, "Now, I want you to tell me.......what do I want you to get?"

I let out a long sigh and then answer, "You want Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog. Relax, I got it."

She thinks for a minute or two and then says, "I want you to write it down."

So, having been through this routine countless times before, I scribble "Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog".

Of course, after I write it, my mom says, "Ok, let me see what you wrote."

So, after finally getting her approval, I shuffle off to Goldberg's liquor store. I walk into the store and start to scan the shelves. Then, I hear the phone at the front of the store ring. The cashier puts his hand over the receiver and yells down the aisle, "Excuse me, is your name Ken?"

Trying to decide whether I should answer or just crawl under one of the shelves, I reluctantly reply, "Yep, that would be me."

 Then, the guy says, "I've got your mother on the phone. She says to make sure you get her the Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog." Of course, the store was packed. In the end, the mission was accomplished Mom got her special egg nog......

Now, although my mother is not afraid to tell you how she feels, she sometimes has a unique way of doing so. Through the years, she has created her own vocabulary. We've come to refer to these words as "Linda-isms". For example, she used to watch the Geraldo show. But if you asked her, she would tell you that she was watching Jer-aldo (pronounced like the "Jer" in germ).......

For the longest time, I thought the local newspaper played music because my mother would always refer to the Maryland Gazette simply as the Cassette.

And while many of us enjoy Chinese food, my mom prefers to dine on Chi-nee food.

And in Linda-speak, it's perfectly acceptable to substitute the T with a K. For example, K-Mart and Walmart instantly become K-Mark and Walmark.

And here's one of my personal favorites. As many of you know, my sister Karen and her husband, Timmy, are members of the Hughes family. But according to my mother, they're actually the Who-gis.

And right on cue, when Karen Who-gis informed my mother that Beefalo Bob's would be catering this party, her response was, "I've never heard of Buffalo Bill's".

Then there's the story of the ghost. Yes, my mother is convinced that there's a spirit living in her house. When she first saw it, she thought it was an hallucination. Well, actually, my mother called it an alluciation.

And Karen recently reminded me of these two gems.........

Many years ago, my mom used to have this t-shirt that she really liked. It said Paradise across the top, and just below the lettering was a large "flower".  She would wear it proudly as she headed out to pick my sisters up from school. Sadly, we eventually had to inform her that the pretty flower on her shirt was actually a gigantic pot leaf. She never wore it after that point and her days of promoting cannabis at the elementary school were over. It broke her heart to part ways with that shirt. ......Don't worry, Mom. If they ever legalize marijuana in Maryland, we're gonna resurrect that old Paradise shirt.

And then there was the time, so I've been told, that my mother crashed a wedding reception. Why, you ask? Because it happened to be a Polish wedding and she wanted to taste the food.

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Of course, I'm just having some fun up here. As I wind things up, I'd like to get serious for a minute...

For those who don't know, my mom was diagnosed with MS over thirty years ago. While many people would have probably chosen to give up under the circumstances, my mother never let it prevent her from getting the most out of life.  She has inspired me, as well as my sisters and everyone around her with her determination and positive outlook. And through the many years that she has had to deal with pain and setbacks, I have never once heard her complain about it. Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she chose to stay optimistic and hope for a better tomorrow.

My mother often tells people how proud that she is of her children. Well, I can tell you without a doubt, that her children are also very proud of her.

Here's to my mom.....the strongest person that I've ever met.

kw