Lunch Meat & Senior Citizens

As a kid, I was never fond of lunch meat. You see, my Mom, in a relentless quest for a bargain, would always go for the cheapest items at the meat counter. For instance, she would often buy this mystery meat, more commonly known as pressed ham. From the look and texture of it, I assumed that they "pressed" chunks of fat and gristle into the oval-shaped slices.

As I got older, I was introduced to something called chicken-loaf. It was similar to the pressed ham with the exception that they "pressed" chicken scraps into the "meat". I can remember eating this crap a few times and biting into a piece of bone. It was a gelatinous (and sometimes boney) piece of nastiness.This stuff was like the SPAM of the chicken world..

My friend's Dad would often take a bunch of us to Fort Smallwood park for a day of fishing. On the way to the park, he would stop by the local market. He would ask everyone would kind of lunch meat they wanted. When he asked me, I would instantly have traumatic flashbacks to the pressed ham and chicken-loaf. So, my response would always be, "I think I'll just go with cheese." I figured with a cheese sandwich, at least I wouldn't have to worry about chipping a tooth on a bone.

Years later, I realized that there was a such thing as quality lunch meats. This was a welcomed discovery for me. I soon began buying the higher-end roast beef and turkey breast. Life seemed pretty good.....

And then I was eventually introduced to the "old lady at the meat counter" experience. I'll give you one good example. An old woman pulls a number 72 from the ticket machine, The store employee barks out, "I can help number 71." At which point, middle aged man walks up and places his meat order.

Shortly afterward, another store employee announces, "I can help number 72 now!"

After about 30 seconds, there is no response, so the employee reiterates. "Number 72! Anyone have number 72?"

Still nothing. So, the guy moves on and announces, "Ok, number 73!" At that point, a young lady walks up to the counter. Seems easy enough, huh?

Well, while number 73 is in the middle of her order, the old lady wakes up and says, "Hey, wait a minute! I've got number 72. You skipped over me. I should be next!"

This usually prompts one of the employees to say, "Ok, ma'am. We'll be right with you." Of course, this is usually met with a "But I was next" response from the old lady.

Well, once the old lady finally makes her way to the counter, she proceeds to order six different lunch meats in quarter pound increments. You can sense the frustration of the meat-cutter as he lumbers six heavy pieces of meat over to the cutting area.

As the meat-cutter begins the slicing process, in a gravelly voice, the old lady shouts, "I want that sliced really thin!"

This causes the meat cutter to stop and look down over his safety glasses at the old woman. He then holds up a slice to see if it meets the woman's request. Of course, it doesn't. So, she says, "No, I want it thinner than that, hon."

So, the guy adjusts his cutting machine and slices off another sample. He holds it up for her approval. The piece of meat is sliced so thin at this point, that you can actually see through it. The old lady finally gives him the thumbs up.

But the drama doesn't end at the slicing station. Oh, no. The guy begins to lay the sliced meat onto the scale. It weighs in at about .23 pounds. He loos at the woman and asks, "Is that good?"

Now, remember, that the old woman specifically asked for a quarter pound. So, as expected, she says, "No, throw a couple more slices on there."

The guy cuts two more slices and throws them onto the scale. This brings the total weight to .27 pounds. What happens next? You've probably guessed it, the old lady says, "No, that's too much. Take a slice off."

As the guy prepares to cut the second slab of meat, the woman asks, "Can I get a sample of that one?"

The meat guy slices off a piece and hands it over the counter. The woman slowly gums the meat and as the guy resumes cutting her quarter pound order. As he finishes, the woman, swallowing the last bit of the sample, says, "I don't think I want that one, hon."

Now, keep in mind, this guy has to go through this song-and-dance routine at least four more times with the woman. I don't know how they do it. By the end of the day, I would be ready to throw myself onto the meat cutter!

Anyway, I think that's about all you need to hear about lunch meat on a Saturday morning.....

kw