Bull in the China Shop

I've always been a bit clumsy and cumbersome. You would think that these characteristics would eventually work themselves out, but that's not the case with me. So, I've learned to accept that I am indeed, the proverbial "bull in the China shop".

Just yesterday, I was walking through the fragrance department in Macy's. My mom had mentioned that she liked a particular perfume, so I figured it would pick her up a bottle for Christmas. All I could remember was that it had "juicy" in the name. So, anyway, I head into the perfume section and scan the shelves for something that looks or sounds "juicy".

As I'm walking around the display case, I must have brushed up against one of the boxes setting on one of the tables in the middle of the aisle. Well, the next thing I hear is a bottle breaking on the floor. I'm not sure which brand of of perfume it was, but it definitely looked juicy as it rapidly spread across the floor. The intense smell of the fragrance immediately made it's way into the nostrils of every shopper within a 100 feet. Meanwhile, I'm just standing there like an idiot. When a Macy's employee finally came over, I didn't know what to say. So, I just blurted out, "Wow, did I do that?"

She let me off the hook by saying, "No, you're good. I think the box was too close to the edge of the table. Let me get this cleaned up." As the Macy's employee begins to leave the crime scene, a shopper asks her, "That smells really good. What is that?" I felt a little relieved, figuring that I may have unconventionally drummed up a sale. Yes, this is how my warped mind operates.....

A few months ago, I had a similar experience, of all places, in a liquor store. We were going over Tina's uncle's house for a crab feast. I knew he was a Scotch drinker, so I wanted to to take him a bottle of Scotch as a token of appreciation. So, I head down to the liquor superstore. I walked down the crowded aisle and approached the Scotch shelves. Now, I really don't know a whole lot about Scotch, but I can read. This particular liquor store is really nice because they attach labels to the shelves which describe and rate the various items.

So, after a fair amount of reading, I narrow my choices down to a few bottles. I pick up one of them which happens to be encased in a cardboard tube. I read the notes on the back of the tube and then give me attention back to the remaining choices on the shelf. As I'm focusing on on of the other bottles, I'm still holding the bottle in the cardboard tube. Well, at some point, I guess I tilted the tube which caused the enclosed bottle to slide a few inches. This was apparently enough momentum to allow the bottle to come crashing through the top of the tube. It happened so fast, the poor bottle never had a chance. As the bottle made it's descent, the only thing to break it's fall was the hard floor below. And break it did.....

I guess a shattered bottle of Scotch has a higher amplification level because people from all over the store immediately began to poke their heads into the aisle to see what happened. Making matters worse, they were all kinds of remarks from the peanut gallery like "What a great smell!", "I'll have what he's having!" and "No sense of crying over spilled Scotch!" I felt like Ralphie in "A Christmas Story" where the mall Santa and elves are pointing at him and telling him that he's going to shoot his eye out with the BB gun.

You would think that I would have a smoother reaction by now. But again, I just stood there like a knucklehead and said, "Wow. I can't believe that I dropped that."

I was fully prepared to pay for the bottle of Scotch which cost about $50. When a store employee came over, I told her to put the bottle on my tab and I would cover it. But she told me not to worry about it. She said that it happens quite a bit. From what I understand, liquor stores get a credit for broken bottles as long as the top is still sealed. This made me feel a little better.....

All of this reminds me of an old Rodney Dangerfield joke:

"It's been rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!"

No doubt, I've got to learn to be a little more careful.....

kw