An Authentic Tour of Baltimore

So, I understand that there is now an official "Freddie Gray Tour of Baltimore". That's right, for a small fee (I suppose), you can now be formally guided through the 'hood that Freddie Gray called home. You're probably thinking, "Would people really sign up for that?"

Well, the answer seems to be yes. The inaugural tour was comprised of a group of college kids from Atlanta. Can you imagine a group of unsuspecting college kids walking through West Baltimore for the first time? I have no idea of what adventures awaited them. But this is the way I imagine it:

Walking along Pennsylvania Avenue, the enthusiastic tour guide uses a bullhorn to overcome the wailing police sirens. Resembling a carnival barker, he explains the significance of each vantage point along the way. As the tourists make their way down the busy street, they're treated to at least one random burst of gunfire. The tour guide instructs everyone to duck for cover. He then advises them to check themselves for exit wounds before marching on to the next stop.

The next focal point is the the newly renovated CVS store. Glowing with Charm City pride, the tour guide points out that this drugstore was broadcast across every major news outlet during the April "unrest". As if he was describing the battle of Fort Sumter, he tells about the heavy fire the store absorbed during the riots. In detail, he describes how bargain hunters emptied the store out, down to the last bag of Funyans.

The next stop is the Western District Police Station where the group pauses for a brief moment of anti-police obscenities. They are then invited to partake in a round of rock throwing. As they prepare to move on, they join hands and break into a lovely acappella version of "F*ck The Police". As moving as it was, their special moment is abruptly interrupted by an approaching group of dirt-bikers. Looking like a scene from the running of the bulls, the tourists jump onto parked cars as they dodge the hoards of wheelie-riding stuntmen. The tour guide explains that this is the kind of thing that makes his tour "uniquely authentic". 

Once everyone's pulse rate settles down, they move through one of Baltimore's infamous open-air drug markets. There, they browse through an assortment of hand-crafted crack pipes and a variety of colorful gel-caps. The long walk and spontaneous surprises generate a hearty appetite for the young adventurers. So, as the tour concludes, the group is invited to indulge in some fine dining at one of the nearby lake trout establishments.

Of course, I'm just speculating. But, according to a recent news story*, the actual purpose of the tour is to "enlighten" people about the environment in which Freddie Gray lived. Additionally, it's supposed to help to prevent another Freddie Gray incident from occurring.

Hey, here's some enlightening advice.....Don't sling drugs and run from the police.

kw


* http://www.wbaltv.com/news/tour-visits-freddie-grays-neighborhood/38165740?utm_campaign=WBALTV&utm_content=56ce8ddd04d3011a33f686a6&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=trueAnthem:+New+Content