Being Paul Stanley

It seems like I’m about the only person in the Baltimore area who wasn’t at the Kiss show earlier this week. I scrolled through countless photos and videos on Facebook after the show and it looks like it was a blast. The last time that I saw Kiss was back in 1996 on the original reunion tour at the now defunct Capital Centre (or was it the US Air Arena at that time?).  And while I thought the ticket price was a bit high at $50 back then, it pales in comparison to the prices of today. That’s one of the primary reasons that I don’t go to many shows these days. The other reason is that I like to be in bed by 10 o’clock. Yes, I know. I’m cheap, old, and boring. But let’s move on…

Anyone who has ever been to a Kiss show or seen a video of a Kiss show knows that Paul Stanley has always has a predictable banter with the audience. In his loud, powerful voice, he’ll introduce random songs with his personalized touch. For instance, he might say, “Hey y’all, I want to tell you something! When I’m up here on this stage, I can barely control my excitement! You guys have been a terrific audience and I want you to give yourself a round of applause! Now, it’s time to pull the trigger of my LOVE GUN!”

Paul has a real connection with the crowd. His intros are really effective in getting the fans primed for each song. With all of this being said, I’ve often wondered what would happen if I became Paul Stanley for a day. I’m not talking about painting a black star on my eye and parading around in platform boots. But I’d like to use Paul’s introductions for my everyday interactions.

For example, when I pass Tina in the kitchen first thing in the morning, I’ll say, “I see you over there by the coffee pot! You gotta ask yourself a question! You gonna use two Splendas or only one!? C’mon on now, make up your mind and stop standin’ ‘round like a HARD LUCK WOMAN!”

And when the Fedex guy comes strolling down my driveway, I’ll jump out of the bushes and startle him with, “As you deliver those boxes to the front of my door, I can tell that you’re workin’ yourself up quite a thirst! And when you’re workin’ hard, you don’t want no Coca-Cola! The only thing that will do is COLD GIN!”

For a bonus, I’ll immediately transition into an air guitar version of the intro riff to “Cold Gin” as he returns to his delivery truck.

Later on, as I make my way through the grocery store, I see that someone has dropped a jar of tomato sauce on the floor. Trying to get as much attention as possible from the Safeway shoppers, I shout, “Gather ‘round people! I can clearly see that we need a clean-up in aisle five! But don't let that get you down! Sometimes, when things don’t go as planned, a simple mop and bucket won’t do! No, no! Sometimes, people, you just gotta LICK IT UP!”

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be allowed back in the Safeway again. But at least I gave the crowd a much needed dose of Paul Stanley.

On the way home, I’m still feeling the adrenaline from the aisle five incident. Right on cue, I’m confronted with an aggressive driver. As we decelerate at the next red light, I roll down the window and yell, “So, let me get this right! You’re feeling like you own the road and nobody else matters to ya?! Well, let me tell you something! I’m gonna kick your ass all the way to DETROIT ROCK CITY”.

Later on, a door-to-door salesman makes the mistake of showing up at my house. I eagerly make my way to the door and greet him with, “Hey there, Mr’ Salesman! How ya doin’?!!

The salesman stands there with a bewildered look in his eyes and says nothing. He immediately realizes that he picked the wrong house to visit.

After letting him squirm for a minute, I follow up with, “I can’t hear you! I said, How ya doin’ tonight?!”

His bewilderment quickly transitions into fright. I then see my neighbor coming out of his house. So, I improvise with a crowd participation move.

“Now, let’s move over to the right side of the yard! Just to let you know, this salesguy ain’t showin’ me much. So, I’m gonna give the other side a chance. On the count of three, I’m gonna ask my neighbor Jack how he’s doin’! So listen up salesguy, and learn how it’s done! One…..Two….Three……”How you doin’, Jack!?!

Jack immediately throws his left hand up and says, “I’m good, Ken. How you doin’?!”

I respond with an enthusiastic, “Alright!”

And then turn my attention back to the salesguy. By this time, I can tell that he’s really feeling uncomfortable.

“So, let me ask you somethin’ now, Mr. Salesman! You saw what my neighbor Jack can do! You gonna let him show you up? I’m gonna give you one more chance! And this time, let’s not f*ck around! I said HOW YA DOIN’!?!”

He finally responds, “You’re not right. You need some serious help!”. And then he turns and walks away.

I step out onto my front step and deliver one final parting shot.

“Don’t get discouraged, Mr. Salesguy! When one door closes, another one opens! As you make your way down the street, you gotta ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY DAY!!! Whooo!!!”

This causes him break into a run. He clearly wants no part of Paul Stanley today. I don’t think he’ll be trying to sell me any windows or gutters any time soon.

With all of this being said, Kiss has had a tremendous run of over 50 years. They wrap up their illustrious career at Madison Square Garden this weekend. It’s crazy that these guys can still perform after all of this time. Yeah, I know they can’t play and sing like they did in their prime. But c’mon! It’s Kiss! How can you not love them? They definitely know how to put on a show. And of course, Paul Stanley really knows how to connect with an audience.

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