I'm writing this as I fly home from Chicago. Yeah, I know it's not a big deal, but since joining the Mile High Club is out of the question, this is about exciting as it's going to get. So, let's talk....
Over the past twenty years, between training and remote projects, I've occasionally been required to travel for my job. When I was younger, traveling brought a welcomed change to the regular routine. Not only did I get to see some new places and eat at nice restaurants, but the company picked up the tab. Yeah, there was a little work involved, but I still viewed it as a mini-vacation.
The one thing I still haven't learned after all of these years is how to pack. While most guys can bring all of their necessities in a small carry-on bag, I bring along a gargantuan sized suitcase. It usually takes about three airline agents to check it in at the airport. When I meet up with my co-workers in the remote airport, they will usually say stuff like, “Damn boy, are you moving out here or what? You don't have a body in that bag, do you???”
What can I say? I like to be prepared!
For instance, as senseless as it is, I always pack some workout clothes. These days, the only workout that I get is the walk down to the hotel bar to grab a beer. However, when I was younger, things were somewhat different. I would sometimes run on the treadmill while sipping on a Miller Lite (thus the need for the workout clothes). But I eventually got tired of the strange looks and snide comments from the hotel staff. So, now I avoid the workout room altogether and just sip my beer in the bar. (But I still pack my workout clothes, just in case.)
Here's another thing I used to do. When I arrived at my hotel and unpacked my suitcase, I would notice all of my dress clothes were severely wrinkled. So, unless I wanted to look like a shar-pei at the office in the morning, I had to come up with a plan. My solution was to turn the hot water on in the shower and let it run for about an hour and a half. This would create steam that would take the wrinkles out of Joan River's ass! The good news was that my clothes looked great. The bad news was that everyone would be taking cold showers for the rest of the evening. Years later, someone informed me that there was an household item called an iron that worked pretty well on wrinkled clothes. I soon learned to use the iron and hot showers were back on at the Hilton!
While I was in Denver for a training class years ago, I had another interesting adventure. Back then, the company I worked for was really cutting back on expenses. The only way they would pay for a rental car is if you were an international employee. So, the first day of class I started to introduce myself to the rest of my classmates. Eventually, one of the guys replies in a heavy German accent. Jackpot! I've got wheels for the rest of the trip!
The only thing we had in common was that we were both fans of the German rock band, the Scorpions. But that was enough to secure shotgun for the week. I'm figuring that since this guy is from Germany, he's going to be driving an Audi or perhaps a Mercedes sedan. But to my amazement, he introduces me to his Ford Escort! Now, I'm well over six foot and two hundred pounds. And the German guy is even bigger than me. So, the thought of us squeezing into this tiny ass car all week was downright depressing. Then, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he tells me that we've got two more guys who will be riding with us!
Keep in mind that we're in Colorado. There's a lot of mountains. A Ford Escort is probably the worst possible vehicle four grown men could have in this situation. As we ascended up one of the steeper graded roads, I actually thought the car was going to start rolling backwards. We were all scared but no one wanted to say anything. We just put our fate in the driving skills of the German. After all, he's driven on the Autobahn, right? Well, during this tense moment, for reasons unknown, the he spills a cup of coffee into one the heating vents on the dashboard. Then, he instinctively turns the fan on high. This causes coffee to spray out onto everyone. Somehow, this amuses him. I guess they don't have Comedy Central in Europe? This was all I could take. I made up my mind that the was going to be my last road trip with the German. Once we got back to the hotel, I immediately started my search for a new international friend. (As a parting shot to the German, I tell him that everything that the Scorpions released after Love At First Sting sucked!)
In the hotel bar, I soon struck up a conversation with a nice Brit who was in my class. His name was Ian and he had a Toyota Forerunner. I got along splendidly with the ol' chap..
I ran into a new dilemma on my last trip. I bought a six pack of some really good beer. When I got to my room, I realized that the bottles were not the twist-off type. (Afraid of setting off the alarms and being strip searched by the TSA agents at the airport, I left my bottle opening at home.) As crazy as it sounds, I panicked. I started looking around the room for anything that would serve as an impromptu opener. I tried the TV remote, the curtain rods, the bed frame and every piece of plumbing I could see. But nothing seemed to work. My last option was the security latch on my entrance door. So, I put the bottle into the mechanism and yanked it. The cap finally came off of the bottle but I wound up spilling half of the beer into the electronic door lock. It sparked and made a few strange noises, but it only lasted for a minute or so. Amazingly, the lock still worked afterward. Maybe next time, I'll just stick with the twist-off bottles!
Traveling is always an adventure........
KW
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