What's In A Hurricane Name?

As the east coast prepares for Hurricane Irene this weekend, I thought I'd take a moment to explain how these storms get their names.

In a nutshell, there are six name lists used by the World Meteorological Organization. The lists recycle every six years. The hurricanes are named at the start of each season beginning with the letter A. Boys and girls names are alternated every other year (this year might start with Alex and next year might start with Arlene). Each subsequent hurricane of the season is also alternated by gender in alphabetical order (ex. Alan, Bonnie, Charles, Diana, etc.). And if a hurricane happens to be an especially badass one, it's name is retired and replaced with a new one. For example, there will never be another hurricane named Katrina. It was renamed Katia.

Hey, are you guys in the back still awake?? Stay with me and I’ll try to keep things moving along…

Several years ago Rep. Shelia Jackson-Lee (a Texas Democrat) complained that hurricane names were too “lily white”. She thought we should incorporate more “African-American sounding” names in the list of hurricane names. To think that the taxpayers are paying this idiot’s salary is mind numbing.

I think Jackson-Lee’s complaint is asinine. However, the current naming convention does seem a bit boring to me. After all, a hurricane is a major event. So, shouldn’t we name it after something memorable? I think so.

So, I’ve come up with an idea. How about we name the hurricanes according to their personalities? Here are a few that come to mind:

Hurricane Britney – It comes through town and exposes itself. It appears to howl, but in reality, it’s only lip-syncing.

Hurricane Vick – This is actually two hurricanes. They fight it out in a remote backyard somewhere in Virginia.

Hurricane Lindsay – This one staggers into town in the late hours of the night. It also seems to mysteriously track out of control towards nightclubs.

Hurricane GaGa – Rolls through town, shows it's ass and everyone scratches their head and says, “What the hell was that??”

Hurricane Martin – This one is indigenous to Maryland. Although it has the potential to uproot trees, the only thing that seems to get “raised” is taxes.

Hurricane Jesse – Creating a tremendous amount of hot air, it claims that God is racist beacause of the black storm clouds. And although it tends to make a lot of noise, no one seems to take it seriously.

Hurricane Paris – This one is captured blowing by on videotape. And although it doesn’t really do anything, it becomes famous anyway.

Hurricane Sarah – Defying nature, this attractive storm starts all the way up in Alaska and ruffles feathers all across the country.

Hurricane Tiger – Slams everything in sight. The end result is about $100 million in damages.

Hurricane Angelina - This mother of all hurricanes drops in on third world countries and picks up kids and carries them all the way to the United States.

Hurricane Barrack – It rips through at breakneck speed and turns the country upside down. No one is sure where it originated, but when the dust finally settles in Martha's Vineyard, it blames all of the destruction on the previous hurricane.

Hurricane Snooky - Congregates with other loser hurricanes along the New Jersey shore.

Hurricane Simon - A straight forward hurricane that insults the structures just before it knocks them down.

Hurricane Cee-Lo - This one sees other hurricanes with the girl it loves and says, "F*ck you and f*ck them too."

Hey, if the meteorologists need any more suggestions, I'll be here all week….

KW