Picking Up The Trash

There are quite a few unexplained mysteries in the world. A few that immediately come to mind are the pyramids of Egypt, the Bermuda Triangle, UFO sightings and perhaps even Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. However, being the simple man that I am, I have become intrigued with the mystery of why trash men can't stand a trash can back up.

The other day, as I was driving up my street, it was kind of like driving on an obstacle course. I had to swerve around endless abandoned trash cans as I made my way towards the main road. Although I somewhat impressed myself with my deft driving ability, it quickly took it's toll on my nerves.

The icing on the cake was when I returned home a few hours later. As I go to turn into my driveway, I notice my trash can blocking the path. Instead of just getting out and moving it, I sit there like an idiot and curse under my breath, hoping that the trashcan will magically disappear. After a neighbor walks by and gives me a strange look, I finally get out and move it.

Ok, maybe I'm making a little too much out of this. Some people might say that I'm being too hard on the poor trash men. But let's stop and examine this for a second. A few years, in the never ending attempt to be politically correct, someone came up with the idea to give the traditional "trash man" a new more respectable title: Sanitation Engineer. (This idea was likely dreamt up by the same people who thought that manhole covers were sexist.)

So, now that these folks have been promoted to engineers, you would think that they would be able to figure out how to stand a trash can up. And if these guys really want to impress me with their newly found technical ability, they could put the lid back on. I've never attended a sanitation university, but even I can put a lid on a trash can!

Another thing that drives me crazy is how these guys pick and choose what items to haul away. A few years ago, I left a couple fold-up lawn chairs laying next to my trash can. When I get home later in the day, my empty trash can is predictably in the middle of my front lawn. But the two lawn chairs are left lying on the street. It appeared that the sanitation engineers put their collective minds together and decided that my lawn chairs were too bulky to put in their truck's trash compactor. However, a few weeks earlier, one of my neighbors put a small rowboat out in the trash, and they took it away!

It was later explained to me that you have to slip the engineers a few bucks to keep them happy. Once you get them "on the payroll" they'll go the extra mile for you. I'm not saying that it's true, I'm just telling you what I've heard. Now that I think about it, wasn't Tony Soprano in the sanitation business?

And my gripes don't end with the conventional trash pick-up. I also have a beef with the recycling guys. They never fail to leave at least one empty beer can or soda bottle laying in my driveway. Although they may not have the technical training of the sanitation engineer, I still don't understand why they can't pick this stuff up.

If I ever came home and saw my empty trash can standing up with the lid on, and no recyclables lying on the street, I would probably break down and shed tears of joy. But I'm not not holding my breath......

KW