Softball Days

Lately, I've been hearing alot of people talking about the upcoming softball season. Listening to some of them talk, you would think that they've just signed a seven figure deal with the New York Yankees. It's amazing how seriously some guys take it.

When I played softball years ago, I used to get a kick out of some of the things I saw. For instance, there was this one guy who bought this really expensive bat. I remember the brand name was DeMarini. I have to admit it sure sounded bad ass. Well anyway, he would show up with his wonder stick wrapped up in this velvet-like sleeve. He would tell anyone within earshot about how this bat was made of some special composite material, similar to "the stuff they made the space shuttle out of". You would have thought he had the Hope Diamond in that velvet sleeve.

The funny part is, although he would let people touch his magic bat, he wouldn't let anyone hit with it. And now that I think about it, I don't even think I ever saw him hit with it. He told us something about the warranty being voided if he used it when the temperature was under sixty-five degrees. This was hard for me to believe since it was made from "that space shuttle stuff".

Then there was this other guy who prided himself on being an "opposite field" hitter. Normally, a right handed hitter, especially in slow pitch softball, will naturally "pull" everything to the left side of the field. But not this guy. He would intentionally swing late and drive everything down the right field line. The worst part of it was that most of his balls went foul. And it just so happened that there was a patch of woods down the right field line. So, we'd have to sit back and watch the drama play out as the other team ran in and out of the woods to retrieve ball after ball. More than once, I felt like ripping the bat out of his hand and cracking his skull with it.

One time, we were preparing to play this team from another town. I had heard that they were pretty good, but I had no idea. Arriving late, these guys roll up to field in one those motor coach buses. This in itself was a little disturbing. As they began to exit the bus, my whole team stopped what they were doing and watched them. Almost everyone of these guys had the physique of juiced-up Jose Canseco. They all had these neatly pressed uniforms which were way overkill for a recreational league. And most of them were wearing eye-black which gave them an even more menacing look. My team of bar room misfits was in for a long afternoon.

When these guys took batting practice, balls were flying out the park quicker than lake trout on the first of the month. On the rare occasion that one of them actually hit a ground ball, it skipped through the infield like a Scud missile! As my team's shortstop, I immediately turned to my coach and said, "If you think I'm getting in front of that, you're out of your f*cking mind!"

I think they wound up beating us something like 102-0. It was truly a Bad News Bears episode...

The umpires could be quite a group too. There was this one ump who reminded me of Leslie Neilson's character in The Naked Gun. If there was a strike, he would give the exagerated, slow motion arm signal as he loudly belted out, STRIKE TWO!" The guy acted like he was umping a game at Fenway Park.

And this particular ump absolutely hated to have any of his calls questioned. When there was a close play, I would sometimes mess with him by turning my back and yelling "Ah, Bullshit! Even Stevie Wonder could see that he was out!"

He would get all fired up and scream, ""Who said that? Who said that call was bullshit??" The angrier he got, the more we laughed.

And then there were the guys who sat they play softball for "exercise". Let me tell you something, if you plan to get in shape by playing softball, you're going to be disappointed. You spend ninety-nine percent of the time waiting for something to happen. I'm not even sure if slow-pitch softball qualifies as a sport. I mean, if you can drink beer while you play, is it really a sport?

KW