Let's Shake On It

I don't really know how, when or where the handshake originated, but there's no getting away from it now. It seems like such a simple thing but, as usual, I have some issues with it.

Conventional wisdom tells us that the handshake should be firm. Well, how do you define firm? Is there a consistent firmness? Or does the firmness have varying degrees? For instance, what would happen if Hulk Hogan ran into Pee Wee Herman? Does Hulk ease up on his grip or does he stay consistent and crush Pee Wee's metacarpals? Do you see how confusing this can be?

I was at a party of few years ago. There was this obnoxious guy that I had no particular interest in meeting. But as luck would have it, one of my friends happened to know him. And, of course, he had introduce us. Well, before I know it, the guy extends his man-paw and seizes my unsuspecting right hand. I'm not sure if the guy was trying to prove something, but he proceeded to squeeze my hand so tight it felt like a vise! I was pretty sure I heard something crack. The excruciating pain almost brought tears to my eyes but all I could do is stand there and smile. Any other reaction would have reflected negatively on my manhood. Are you starting to see how confusing this handshake thing can be??

More recently, I had a contractor at my house doing some work. He started into the familiar handshake routine and I met him halfway. But instead locking his grip into the normal position, he stops short and grabs me around the pinkie and index finger. In this position, there's no way I can participate in the handshake. My first thought was to ask for a "do-over". But I figured that would sound silly. So, I just let it go and submitted to his handshake. It really bothered me that this guy was going to think of me as a girly-man all day. But you know guys can't talk about these kinds of things. So, I patiently waited until the end of the day for my redemption. This time I was prepared. I ambushed him as he was gathering up his things and gave him an extra firm handshake that said, "Yes, there is indeed some testosterone flowing through this body!"

There's a guy that I occasionally play tennis with who refuses to shake hands altogether. He says that he doesn't want to get germs. It seems a bit odd to me but I guess it could be worse. I mean, at least he doesn't wear one of thse Michael Jackson-like surgeon masks.

I noticed that the younger generation has added an optional chest bump to the traditional handshake. I guess I'm showing my age, but I don't feel right doing this. I'm for keeping it simple. We don't need to be bumping each other.

And I never know how to introduce myself to women. I mean, do I give them the same handshake that I would give my burly guy friends? Or do I risk looking like a condescending chauvinist by easing up on them? And it doesn't seem appropriate to hug someone who you have never met, especially at a business meeting. So, what's the rule on hugging anyway? I mean, am I supposed to give a tight "bear hug"? Is a pat or two on the back mandatory or purely optional? These are good questions, don't you think?

kw