A Quick Trip To The Mall

I needed to pick up a few things earlier today, so I figured I drop by a local mall for lunch. So, I pull into the parking lot and slide the first empty spot that I see. I sat in my car for a couple of minutes so I could catch the end of Grand Funk's "American Band". I'm trying to concentrate on hearing about four young chiquitas in Omaha when a minivan pulls into space beside me and nearly rips off my driver's side mirror. Our vehicles didn't actually touch but there was approximately six inches between us. To my surprise, the woman driver hops out and starts walking across the parking lot. Meanwhile, I'm left pinned in my car......

I tried to open the door, but I could only get one arm out. I tried yelling for the woman to come back, but there was no way she could hear me. So, I opened my sun roof and popped my head out. I said, "Excuse me, you've got me pinned in here!"

She turned around and looked at me for a split second, then she disappeared into the mall. Can you believe this bullshit? So, I sat there for a minute. Then I did what any other reasonably intelligent adult would do in this situation: I squirted the side of her van with a pack of Arby's Horsey Sauce. Then I moved my car into another spot.

Once inside the mall, I stopped off in J.C. Penney to pick up a pair of jeans that would accommodate my expanding waistline. My current jeans are so tight in the waist that I feel like a bratwurst most of the day. I pay for my purchases and head out into the mall.

I had a gift certificate for the cigar store, so I figured I might as well stop by and spend it. I start to browse the overpriced cigars and quickly realize that $50 buys you a hell of a lot more online than at the local cigar shop. Before long, this American is discussing Nicaraguan and Ecuadorian wrappers with the Indian shop owner. I guess this would be an example of diversity? As my purchases are being rung up, a grumpy old man is bitching that the Keno machine is jamming up. The shop owner gives him the "I'll be right with you" gesture and attempts to complete my transaction. The whole time, the guy is cursing because "his game is coming up".  I felt like smacking his rude ass! I eventually got my five cigars at the bargain basement price of $62. Thank God I had $50 gift card!

As I walk towards the food court, I see two high school girls walking through the mall in their pajama bottoms. Is this a new fashion trend? Or are kids just too lazy to get dressed in the morning?

My intention was to get a salad or something somewhat healthy. But as soon as I saw the Chick-fil-A sign, my will power became severely compromised. I wound up getting a strawberry shake and eight-piece box of chicken nuggets. So much for the hour of cardio that I did this morning!

I sat down on one of the nearby mall benches and opened my box of chicken bites. I popped one into my mouth and quickly discovered that it must have just came out of the deep fryer. I'm not kidding, this thing was as hot as a road flare! Not wanting to spit it out and gross out the rest of the mall rats, I took a hit of the strawberry shake. But instead of getting a blast of sweet instant relief, the straw jammed up with a piece of strawberry! Now, it was time to panic! My tongue felt like it was blistering while I fumbled to get the plastic lid off of the shake. I finally got it off and turned the cup up the way I would chug a beer. The inside of my mouth was extinguished but now I had whipped cream all over my face! Amazingly, no one seemed to notice.

I gathered my things and headed for the exit sign. Making sure that the coast was clear of the van with the Arby's Sauce, I hustled over to my car. As I drove off, I swore that I would avoid the mall in the future and go back to buying things online!

kw