Legend of the Camel Cricket

Growing up, I never particularly cared for insects, but they never really frightened me either. When I eventually moved to Anne Arundel County, all this changed. There, I was introduced to one of the most incredible bugs in the history of civilization. Although the locals like to call them "cricket spiders', I discovered that the actual name of this bug is camel cricket.

This half cricket half spider has the ability to create a whole lot of uneasiness. The first time I saw one of these creatures, I totally freaked out. I was over Tina's parent's house and went outside to get a couple of logs for the fire. After picking up a log, something lunged at me, bounced off of my chest and attached itself to the ceiling of the back porch. I dropped the log and impulsively shouted, "Whoa! What the f*ck was that???"

From the ceiling, it  just stared at me like he was daring me to move. Even though I outweighed this thing by over two hundred pounds, I was still scared to death! I had never seen anything like this! It looked liked some kind of mutant ninja cricket. Dazed and confused, I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

Wondering what was taking me so long, Tina came outside. I gave her the hand signal to stay back. She looked at me like I was nuts, and asked, "What's going on?" I pointed to the ceiling. She laughed and then she informed me that it was "only" a cricket-spider. Now, not only did I feel scared, I also felt stupid. I grew up in the city where I would occasionally see cockroaches and other nasty bugs, but this was something completely foreign to me.

Surprised, I replied, "You've seen these things before?"

She was amazed that this was my first encounter with the infamous cricket-spider. But God knows, it wouldn't be my last.

The amazing thing about these things is that they have the ability to jump incredible distances using unnatural angles. I've seen them jump onto a wall, then onto the ceiling, then to the floor and back up to the ceiling. It's like a cricket on steroids! And the worst thing is that they don't chirp like a traditional cricket, making it easy to ambush an unsuspecting victim. And they have absolutely no fear of humans. If you walk towards most crickets or spiders, their defense mechanisms will kick in and they will scurry away. But the cricket-spider will stand it's ground and defy you to take another step.

Sometimes they will sneak up behind you and perch themselves on the back of your chair or sofa. When you turn around, there's this prehistoric looking creature staring at you like a lion might eye up a wildebeest. It's crazy!

They are also very resilient to blunt force trauma. One day, I saw one trespassing in our kitchen. Knowing that I would need more than my bare hands, I rolled up a Sports Illustrated magazine and entered the octagon. I circled the bastard in a lame attempt to come up behind him. But as I circled, he pivoted his grotesque body while never losing eye contact with me. I raised the magazine and took a swat at him, but he jumped out the way just in the nick of time and wound up on the kitchen counter. Knowing that I'd get earful from Tina if I smashed him on the counter, I swatted at the bug horizontally to knock him back to the floor. Once again, I missed the bug. But this time I hit my Hooters coffee mug causing it to fall and break into pieces on the kitchen floor. And I have no way to prove this, but the cricket-spider appeared to be bouncing up and down as if he was taunting me!

Reeling from the loss of my favorite coffee cup, I started to talk to the bug like he was human, "You've done it now, you little bastard! Break my Hooters mug, will you? Now, you're gonna get a serious ass whoopin'!"

The full force of the Sports Illustrated came down on the bug's body. But amazingly, even though it was visibly broken, it still managed to crawl across the floor in it's final act of defiance. He eventually expired in the corner and his taunting days were history. Feeling elated that this battle was finally over, I scooped up his lifeless body with the magazine and tossed it outside. My hope was that it would serve as a warning to the next camel cricket who might want to tangle with me. But somehow, I knew the fearless nature of this bug would prove otherwise.

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When she sees a bug or spider in the house, Tina will usually ask me to catch it and release it outside unharmed. But with the cricket-spider, all bets are off. She just tells me to kill it. Easy for her to say since I'm the one who has to go mano a mano with the hideous beast!

I have fought many battles with these creatures and I know as long as I live in this part of the world, I'll have to fight many more. I am experienced now, so I feel like I can somewhat defend myself against their attack. But if you happen to come across a camel cricket the first time, I urge you to proceed with extreme caution. It is an insect like no other......

kw