The Guy Who Looked Like James Woods

When I'm out and about (which is quite abundant), I enjoy meeting new people and engaging in a good conversation. However, there are times when I just want to drink my beer and concentrate on other things. Case in point....

The other night, I'm at a local bar enjoying a really good band. As luck would have it, I happened to be wearing a t-shirt that had a bunch of famous guitars printed on the back. My back was turned to the guy sitting next to me at the bar. The guy had an uncanny resemblance to actor James Woods. Before long, he's slapping my left shoulder blade with the back of his hand.

I turn around and, in the nicest way possible, say, "What the f*ck?"

Mr. Woods replies, "That's a really cool shirt. Ya know it?"

"Yes, I agree, it is cool. Thanks", I said.

Before long, the guy is slapping my back again. He's asking me so many questions that I start to wonder if I'm at trivia night....What do you think of this song? Do you know the guys in the band? What's the name of the band? Etc, etc, etc......

I try to go back to watching the band. They're doing a kick-ass version of The Who's "Who Are You". The crowd is singing along and having a good time. Even James Woods is mesmerized enough by the song to temporarily stop backhanding my shoulder. In fact, he's so into it that he starts playing "drums" on the bar. He reminds me of one of those inner city kids wailing away on the 5-gallon buckets. His mad drum skills are taking their toll on my beer as it bounces with each new beat. It was like this guy was possessed by Keith Moon himself! So, I finally say, "For f*ck sakes, my man. You're going to break your hands! And spill my beer!"

While continuing to pound the bar with extreme aggression, the guy casually responds, "This is a bad-ass song. Ya know it?" 

Miraculously, the bar survived the assault as The Who song came to a close. The band then transitioned into a familiar Crack The Sky tune. This brought another round of backhands to my shoulder. I turn around to see what I can do for Mr. Woods this time.

"This is a pretty good band. Ya know it?", he says

"Yes, they are good", I quickly respond.

And then he asks, "So, do you play?"

Splitting my attention between the band and James Woods, I foolishly inquire, "I'm sorry, do I play what?"

"Guitar, of course". he replies, as he pantomimes Jimi Hendrix.

The image of James Woods jamming out to Voodoo Chile strikes me as a bit funny. I smile and say, "Yeah, I play a little."

He comes right back with, "We should jam sometime. Ya know it?"

I'm thinking.....If this guy hits the real drums anywhere near as hard he was pounding on the bar top, there's no amplifier in the world that could compete with him. About this same time, the band throws the crowd a curveball and segues into the popular country hit "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy". The crowd loved it but James Woods seemed to take offense to it. Of course, he turns to his new best friend and says, "I don't care too much for country. Ya know it?"

I reply, "Actually, no. I didn't know it until you just pointed it out. But I actually think country music is pretty good."

Squinting his eyes, James Woods asks, "Really? What do you like about it?"

Now, I hate when people ask me open-ended questions when I'm in an extremely loud bar. Even if I attempted to explain my reasons for liking country music, only every other sentence would be understood. And then I'd be forced to keep repeating myself which in turn would put my in an extremely irritable mood. Since I don't like to be in an extremely irritable mood, I just say, "You're right, country music sucks."

Smiling, James Woods takes a final swig of his beer and then says, "It's been good talking to you. Ya know it? It really has. I'm going home now."

I tip my bottle of Landshark to him and watch him disappear into the Glen Burnie night as my back begins it's road to recovery.......

kw