The Downside of Con Calls

In today's fast-paced business world, the conference call often seems to make more sense, both logistically and economically, than gathering a bunch of people together in a room for a 30-minute meeting. Most of us have participated in these things in some way. And while they can certainly be productive at times, they do not come without challenges.

For example, as telecommuting becomes more popular, we see more and more people working from home. Have you ever been on a con-call that was constantly interrupted by a barking dog? And it's funny because no one wants to say anything but everyone's thinking, "Will someone shut that f*&ng dog up!" This is where a traditional conference room makes a better setting because people don't usually bring their large dogs to the office.

I always get a kick out of the person who forgets to mute their phone during a can-call. As the rest of the group discusses the subject, that one guy will be having his own "private" conversation. Of course, the rest of us can hear every word he's saying. And, inevitably, he'll put his foot in his mouth by saying something like, "Hey, let me call you back after I get off of this stupid conference call with this group of jack-asses."

Have you ever experienced someone taking the con-call into the bathroom and forgetting to hit the mute button? Yes, it happens...

But one of the things that really annoys me on con-calls is when several people try to talk at once. A quick burst of words comes from several directions but not one of them is coherent. So, everyone takes a brief pause, and than a second round of spontaneous words comes at you. Sometimes, this will go on for several minutes before the "leader" intervenes and says, "Ok, one at a time." And then, as if each person assumes they were the "one", they all simultaneously blast another round of words. It's actually pretty funny if you have a lot of time. But if you're in a hurry, it can be quite annoying.

And here's a good one. Many years and several companies ago, my manager volunteered me to be the lead on a new system the company was rolling out. Essentially, I had to learn it and then give a virtual class in the form of a con-call/online presentation to my co-workers. Well, for anyone who has known me for more than ten minutes, you know that patience is not one of my strong points. Anyway, I get set up to give my first "class". Prior to the class, I sent out detailed instructions on how to set things up. As luck would have it, I've got a bunch of New York/Jersey guys on the call. Right from the start, they started bitching and complaining about how they couldn't get the application to work. Getting frustrated, I asked, "Did you guys bother to read the instructions that I sent out?"

Of course, this initiates a simultaneous blast of words like I mentioned earlier. Except this time, there were insults mixed into the mix. The back-and-forth banter with these guys went on for about ten minutes. Realizing that they were putting me way behind schedule, I said, "Look guys, I don't have time for this. I gave you clear instructions on how to set everything up. I also told you to test everything prior to the call. You obviously did not do that. Just stay tuned to the call and take from it what you can."

Well, they got quiet for a few minutes. But, of course, it didn't last long. In heavy New York accents,  they would intermittently chime in with stuff like, "How are we s'posed to get anything out of dis? This is bullshit! Who da hell is this guy?"

Finally, I snapped. I told them all to pack their virtual stuff and get the hell out of my class! This really pissed them off. If we would had been in a real classroom, these guys would have probably been beating me over the head with their malfunctioning laptops. It was crazy but they eventually disconnected from the call. Of course, right after the class, I get a call from the project manager. He says, "Ken, did you have some problems with your class today?"

Feeling defensive, I replied, "Me? No, I didn't have any problems at all."

"Really? Did you happen to kick some people out of your class today?", he asks.

"As a matter of fact, I did," I said, "but they were being disruptive assholes."

Yes, my virtual teaching days were short lived. Oh well, I've always preferred traditional meetings and real class rooms anyway....

kw