The Mysterious Beer Guzzler

Last week, I'm sitting in a Colorado brewpub watching the baseball game. The Orioles happened to be playing the Rockies back at Camden Yards. So, when I cheered for the "home team", I got some pretty strange looks.

Anyway, what really caught my attention was this old guy who strolled up to the bar and planted himself right next to me. Instead of pulling up a bar stool, he just stood there with his hands pressed up against the bar. He had long gray hair which was pulled into a ponytail. Some older guys can pull this look off. However, it only made this guy look creepy. He resembled the character on the cover of Jethro Tull's "Aqualung" album.

He seemed like he was in a hurry. He desperately tried to catch the attention of one of the barmaids. When one finally appeared, she told the man that she would be right with him. He mumbled something under his breath and then loudly exhaled. Although the guy was really starting to weird me out, I did my best to ignore him. The last thing I needed was for this guy to lure me into a bizarre conversation about what he had buried in his back yard.

The barmaid returned. Tossing a cardboard coaster towards him, she said, "Sorry for the wait, sir. What are we drinking tonight?"

The guy, demonstrating his impatience, spreads his hands and says, "Nothing. That's the problem. I need a beer!"

Assuming that the guy would be a little more specific, the barmaid follows up, "Ok, you got it. What kind of beer would you like?"

"I don't care as long as it's cold", says the guy.

The barmaid shoots me a quick glance that says "why did I come to work tonight?"

"Ok, sir", she says. "Do you want the big one?"

He looks at her like she's an idiot and slowly says, "Yes. Big is good."

So, the barmaid disappears and heads over to pour Aqualung a beer. At about the time she had the glass halfway filled, the guy looked at his watch and under his breath, mumbled, "Come on!"

He was really starting to lose his patience. I kept him in my peripheral vision just in case he decided to go postal. It sounds crazy but you can't be too careful these days. Thankfully, the barmaid returned with his large beer and placed it down on the coaster. She smiled and said, "There you go, sir. Is there anything else I can get you?"

He didn't even respond. He simply seized the heavy beer mug with his right arm and started guzzling like a college freshman. The bottom half of his face was buried in the glass as he made intermittent slurping noises. It was funny and disturbing at the same time. He manged to down about a third of the beer before he was forced to come up for air. He slammed the beer mug down on the bar and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. His breathing was louder and more rapid now. Going in for round two, he picked the mug back up and started guzzling again. He got another third down before he dropped the mug back onto the bar. The loud thud made at least five other bar patrons turn around.

Determined to finish what he started, he took a deep breath and snatched the mug for the coup de grâce. Tilting the bottom of the mug to the ceiling, he poured the remainder of the beer down his esophagus. I was half-expecting a loud celebratory burp. But keeping consistent, he slammed the mug down for the final time. Then, instead of letting out some type of rebel yell, he simply threw a ten dollar bill onto the bar and walked out as mysteriously as he came in. His work was clearly done here.

I glanced over at the barmaid who had been taking it in from across the bar. She just shook her head and rolled her eyes.....

kw