Invasion of the Frogs

I'm not sure what's going on with the frogs this year, but I can tell you, at least in my neighborhood, they're everywhere. I'm not kidding, when I'm driving down my driveway, especially at night, I'll see no less than a dozen baby frogs bouncing around like little super balls. It's like the Plagues of Egypt migrated to Pasadena this summer.

Following Tina's advice, I try to avoid running over any of the little critters. However, it's inevitable that one will inescapably bite the dust. Case in point, I ran over one of them the other night. Swerving around several leaping frogs as I drove down the driveway, I eventually heard a faint popping noise. Although I knew what had just happened, I still felt the need to get out investigate. Sure enough, right there in 2-D, was a flat frog. Knowing that Tina would give me an earful if Kermit was still chilling on the asphalt in the morning, I got the hose out and nonchalantly blasted the evidence into the lawn. No body, no crime, right?

These frogs also like to swim in our pool. As a result, Tina has mandated that the pool be regularly checked in case any frogs happen to be in distress. It's getting to be a bit ridiculous. I'm actually thinking about buying one of those tall lifeguard chairs so I can sit out there and keep a watchful eye on the frogs as I drink my morning coffee.

Sometimes there will be several baby frogs scattered around various parts of the pool. They casually swim around the pool like they're vacationing in the Bahamas. And then, when I attempt to skim them out of the water with my net, they swim to the bottom like Michael freggin' Phelps. It's frustrating.

On most mornings, Tina will take the first shift and go out and check the pool skimmer. She'll usually find several frogs taking on water and eager to hit dry land. So, she'll fish them out of the skimmer basket and set them free.

Of course, there's usually a casualty or two. And this really bums Tina out. She'll come into the kitchen as I'm pouring my first cup of morning coffee and say, "I found two dead frogs in the pool. I feel so bad for them."

Still half asleep with my eyes half open, I respond, "Tina, it's a f*cking frog. You gotta let it go."

And it gets better......Back in the spring, I was cutting the grass in the back yard. Tina was reading a book while floating around the pool. As I'm making a pass with the lawn mower, she says, "Ken, I saw a frog near where you're cutting. Try not to hit him."

Well, within a minute, I saw something fly out of the discharge chute of my lawn mower. As I took a closer look, I saw that it was indeed the frog that Tina has just warned me about. Ruh-roh, Rorge! I tried to ignore it and transition back to the lawn cutting. But right on cue, Tina raises her voice, "Please tell me you didn't run over that frog!"

"Ok", I said. "I didn't run over that frog. He ran under my lawn mower."

Of course, Tina doesn't find any humor in it. She immediately starts laying into me as if I had just shot Cecil the Lion. As she was in mid-tirade, I imagined what would have happened if the lawn mower would have flung the expired frog into the pool while Tina was quietly reading her book. I couldn't help but giggle. But I quickly let the thought go as I knew it would have meant dire straits for me.

As the lambasting continued, Tina asked, "Really? How could you not see him?"

"Do I have to remind you that I have to get tested every six months for glaucoma?", I plead. "If the doctor ever prescribes marijuana for me, I'm going to give it to you so you can chill the hell out. Hey, maybe you can offer some to your frogs too!"

I immediately receive a stare that cuts right through me. My "fight or flight" mechanism kicks in and I pushed my lawn mower to the far end of the yard where the environment was much less hostile.

It ain't easy being me.......

kw