Body Transformations

It's deja vu all over again for me. All winter of trying to lose weight has only proven to be a lost cause. All of those ridiculous Slim-Fast meals and trips to the gym have bought me absolutely nothing. At this point, I'm seriously considering swallowing a tapeworm. 

Now that I'm firmly grasping the rungs of the middle aged ladder, I've noticed a few things. Number one, I can almost starve myself and still not lose weight. I assume that this is due to my metabolism slowing to the speed of government paperwork.

I've also noticed that my body is going through a distinct transformation. You see, it seems like my ass is shrinking. Normally, this would be a good thing. But not so fast. Although my ass is indeed getting smaller, my belly is going in the other direction. I walked in front of the mirror the other day and thought to myself, "How did such an ugly woman ever get pregnant?" To my horror, the ugly woman was me!

My body is so unproportional. The good news is that my face, neck and legs are still relatively thin. But in contrast to my ever expanding waistline, I'm starting to resemble a snake who has just swallowed a Guinea pig.

Of course, this causes a major problem when trying to find clothes. You see, it's becoming increasingly harder to keep my pants up. My belly wants to push the front of them down while my ass is too flat to keep them up in the back.

I was in Macy's the other day looking through men's section. I noticed that Docker's now have codes on them (D1, D2, D3, etc.). These codes are supposed to make it easier for you to find the appropriate pants for your body style. But as you've probably guessed, the "snake who swallowed a Guinea pig" style wasn't available.

I must have really looked confused because a Macy's employee came over and said, "You really look confused. Can I help you find something?"

Normally, I would just say, "Nah, I'm good. Think you." But I figured if this woman was up for the challenge, I would put her to the test.

I explain my flat ass/protruding belly dilemma to her. She basically scratches her chin and simply replies, "Hmmmmm." Not exactly a what I would call "words of encouragement". But nonetheless, she has me try on several varieties of pants. I finally found a pair that almost fit me. But, just to be safe, I wanted to get some reassurance. When I came out of the dressing room, my Macy's fashion consultant was nowhere to be found. Another female employee came over and informed me that the first woman had went to lunch. How could she just abandon me like that? So, the new woman makes the mistake of asking me, "Is there anything that I could help you with?"

I figured, what the hell. So, I turned around and asked, "Do these pants make my ass look flat?"

The woman immediately laughs at me. Can you believe this? She's thinks I'm trying to be funny. If I wasn't discouraged before, I sure as hell was now! I had quite enough humiliation for one day, so I went back to the dressing room, changed and left empty handed.

I'm not sure what to do next. Everytime I turn around, there's another excuse to eat. And sure, I could give up beer. But let's be serious..... we know that's about as likely as the Orioles winning the World Series. So, I will continue to painfully search for new wardrobe options. Hey, I know I'm not Scottish. But how do you think I would look in a kilt?

KW