The Student Driver

Yesterday, I was running a little behind schedule. As luck would have it, I got stuck behind a student driver. When I finally got an opening, I floored my gas pedal and blew past the moving roadblock. As I passed, I noticed the student staring straight ahead with his hands firmly locked in the 10-2 position on the steering wheel. Hey, it was nothing personal, I just had places to be. For what it's worth, it seems just like yesterday that I was a student driver myself......

I can remember sitting in those adventurous driver's ed classes years ago. I don't think anyone was really paying too much attention. We just wanted to get behind the wheel! To spice things up, our instructor (I'll call him Steve) would show these old films from the Ohio State Highway Patrol. For the most part, they were pretty gruesome. The main point of these films was to shock you by showing how mangled a human body could become after a serious car accident. (I think a few students were ready to give up on the whole driver's license idea after watching these things!)

And it seemed that every one of these delightful films featured a body that had been burned beyond recognition. This prompted Steve to refer to these videos as "crispy critter flicks". When Steve noticed everyone was getting glassy-eyed, he'd ask, "All right, who's in the mood for a Crispy Critter movie?" Of course, this was back in the early 80's, when moments like this brought giggles instead of lawsuits. It actually became somewhat of a festive atmosphere as everyone slurped their Big Gulp's and crunched on Nacho Cheese Doritos.

When we eventually got out on the road, we experienced another bizarre treat from Steve. As we hit the highway, he would grab this rubber pig mask from under the seat and pull it over his head. As cars passed us, they would see the pig in the passenger seat staring back at them. You should have seen the looks on their faces! I have to admit, it was hilarious. But looking back, it probably wasn't a good idea to have an inexperienced driver laughing hysterically while driving in traffic at 55 mph.

Anyway, when I finally went down to take my driver's test, I was feeling pretty confident. But before I barely got into the driver's course, the DMV rep said, "Ok, stop the car. The test is over."

I was a little confused. My initial thought was that the rep could just sense that I was a great driver and that I should be awarded my license without the formality of a silly thing like a driver's test. I figured he thought it was a waste of time for the both of us. Boy, was I wrong!

He gave me that condescending, authoritarian stare-down and asked, "Do you even know what you did?"

Like an idiot, I timidly replied, "Ummm, I passed?"

Then, he burst my bubble and told me that I went through a flashing red light. Since the red light was on a post on the right side of the road, I wasn't even looking for it. I assumed all traffic lights were overhead. Regardless, this was grounds for an automatic failure.

Embarrassed, I went back home without my license. After two weeks, I went back to the DMV to retake the driver's test. This time, I was ready for the red light. I breezed through the course until it came time to parallel park. Now, keep in mind, this was the one thing that I was actually good at. But, I guess I got stage fright, and the problems began. It probably wasn't the best idea to take the test in my parent's large Ford LTD, but there was no turning back now. I proceeded to run the car up on the curb several times while knocking over every traffic cone within shouting distance. After the allotted time had passed, the instructor said, "Ok, you can put the car in park now. We're done."

As a sixteen year old failing the driver's test for the second time, I felt like a complete failure. I actually thought about abandoning the whole idea of driving and committing to a lifetime of mass transit and hitchhiking.

But the third time was the charm, and I finally passed the test! I was now ready to take on the world!

Like I mentioned before, parallel parking was my forte (just not during the driver's test!). I would often drive over to Baltimore's Inner Harbor with my buddies. I would park alongside of Federal Hill where street parking was often scarce. Parking in a garage was out of the question because it cost money. So, I would look for a spot that was too small for an otherwise less talented parker.

When I would see a potential spot, I would start my self devised "parking process". My friends would say things like, "They ain't no way you're getting this thing in there!" I did not let their little words discourage me. So, I'd back into the spot until I'd hit the bumper of the car behind me. This signalled me to cut the wheels and pull forward until I bumped the car in front of me. This is, of course, signalled me to cut the wheels the other way and back up again until I heard the familiar "clanging" noise. I would repeat these steps until I was within a comfortable distance of the curb. Now, keep in mind, this was back in the early 80's when cars had steel bumpers. If you tried this today, you'd have $5000 worth of body damage and at least three deployed airbags.

We'd all get out of the car and marvel over my accomplishment. It was a thing of beauty! There would be less than a foot of space between all of the bumpers. Of course, my friends doubted that I could ever get out of the spot, but somehow, I always did. As the legendary Willie Rippetoe once said, "They make bumpers for a reason, ya goof!"

So, for all those student drivers out there, don't take it personal if I zip past you on the highway. Just keep your eyes on the road and your hands up on the wheel. And when it comes to parking, let professionals like myself handle the tough jobs. And lastly, beware of anyone wearing a pig mask!

KW