Sawing Logs In Pasadena

I've been dealing with insomnia for quite some time. I first wrote about my slumber issues in my blog entitled "Sleepless In Glen Burnie" (April 2010). I'm no longer living in Glen Burnie but I'm still having the same sleep issues. I think I may have finally figured out the reason why.......

Even after a healthy dose of Tylenol PM's, I still find myself waking up several times of night to the sound of someone sawing logs. Of course, that someone is none other than my wife, Tina. She'll deny that she snores, but trust me, I'm there to witness the commotion every night.

So, what do I do about it?

I always start off with a few subtle nudges. If I'm lucky, this will temporarily knock her snoring out of rhythm, allowing me to grab a few minutes of much needed shut-eye. But then it will inevitably start back up.

Then, I'll nudge a little harder. This always a tricky maneuver because if I nudge too hard, I wake her up and then I have to hear, "Stop pushing me! Now, I'm awake! You're so inconsiderate!"

Yeah, her snoring keeps me up every single night. But I'm the inconsiderate one? I can't win!

One time, I squeezed her nose in an effort to quiet things down. This resulted in a series of snorts and other disturbing noises that started to frighten me. By the time I gave up on this brilliant idea, she she woke up and wasn't very happy. I caught an earful until she fell back asleep approximately thirty seconds later. Meanwhile, I headed off to the medicine cabinet for another dose of Ny-Quil.

A few weeks ago, I woke up thinking that we might be having an aftershock to the recent earthquake. But it was just some turbo-snoring coming from the other side of the bed.

Every now and then, things will take a strange twist and instead of the traditional log-sawing, there will be a whistling sound. Some nights, it sounds like the intro to The Andy Griffith Show! 

Even the cats are annoyed by Tina's snoring. They will sometimes retaliate by knocking things over in the middle of the night. The problem with this is that, on the rare occasional that I'm actually asleep, the loud crash wakes me up. As luck would have it, Tina usually sleeps right through it. But it gives me the perfect excuse to wake her up to ask, "What the hell was that?" Then, while she's trying to figure out what's going on, I try to catch a quick power nap.

So, if you ever see me walking into walls or chugging 5-Hour Energy shots, now you'll know why......

kw