Christmas Shopping In The 'Dena

Last week, Tina & I decided to finish up our Christmas shopping. For the most part, we give out money cards to the kids and gift cards for the adults. We like to support the local businesses, so we headed up to the local Pasadena shopping center.

Our first stop was the Greene Turtle. Although our primary goal was to pick up gift cards, we felt obligated to stop off at the bar and have a beer. I'm a member of the Mug Club, so I personally wanted to make sure that no dust had collected on my mug. As we tipped backed our beers, a woman cozies up to the bar next to me to order a drink. She's wearing a Redskins shirt, so we strike up a conversation about football. I introduce to her to Tina. At some point, she asks, "Are you guys married? I don't see any wedding rings." I tell her that we are indeed married. Although feeling a little awkward, my ego starts to inflate because I assume that the woman is flirting with me.

Anyway, the woman then tells us that she's gay and introduces us to her partner. This leaves me feeling a bit dejected as it's more likely that she was actually flirting with Tina. She tells us that she likes coming to the Greene Turtle because people are accepting of her lifestyle and tend not to judge. I tell her that I have no issue with gay people. Hell, if Hillary gets elected in 2016, we'll have our first lesbian President. She starts to laugh. So, I say, "What's so funny? You really don't think that Hillary can win?"

Then, going back to football, I ask her, "If you must play for the other team, does it really have to be the Redskins?" Acknowledging my lame attempt at humor, she just shakes her head and laughs. I buy her a beer and we exchange a few more stories and laughs. A very cool woman who we hope to run into again.

We leave the Greene Turtle and then head over to the Lake Shore Shopping Center. We stop off at Two Rivers to pick up more gift cards. We purchase the cards and head down the strip mall for more shopping. Since I need to pick up a special sized lightbulb for Tina's china cabinet, we head into Ace Hardware. We were greeted by a red-vested employee at every turn. I picked up the lightbulb and to the checkout line where I noticed a display of Duck Dynasty Chia Pets. I find it funny and impulsively blurt out, "Do people really buy these things?" This prompted at least three people to turn around and stare at me. I quickly realized that we were in the 'Dena and people probably do buy these things.

We make our way back outside to the covered walkway. Tina decides she wants to check out cat food in the pet store. As we walk in, we're quickly greeted by a young man who has an uncanny resemblance to comedian and Katy Perry's ex-husband, Russell Brandt. Tina asks him a question about cat food. This sets him off on a 20-minute deep-dive into everything you ever possibly wanted to know about feline energy sources. I have never seen anyone so enthused about cat food. It was like watching one of those old Richard Simmons exercise videos. I almost felt like ripping a bag open and eating it myself!
When the guy eventually finished his seminar, I felt the urge to applaud. The guy gave us some free samples of the world's best cat food and we continued on our way.

Tina needed to pick up some of those money card/holders. So, she talked me into going into the Dollar General store. As soon as we entered the store, it knew it was going to be a mistake. The place was packed. It reminded me of the Star Wars bar scene. I saw one guy talking to himself and another one having a loud, obnoxious conversation on his cell phone. There was a woman with several small children in one of the aisles. The kids were pulling random toys off of the shelves and screaming, "I want this one! Buy me this one!" The mother would answer every demand with, "Put it back now. I'm not telling you again!" And then, she would tell them again. And again.....

As I turn down another aisle, I see a strange looking guy staring at the razor blade display. If Slingblade had a son.....

As Tina gathers up her things, she says, "Come on, I want to get out of here."

I reply, "You want to get out of here? I never wanted to come in here in the first place!"

"Just shut up and get in line with me", she says. Yes, I just love this time of year.

We get in line behind four other people. The cashier is about as fast as a turtle with a broken leg. The line quickly builds to the point where it's about 20-people deep and snaking down the far aisle. The cashier yells for her lone co-worker to open up another register. The new cashier says, "I can help the next person in line."

The woman in front of us, who was actually the third person in line, bolts to the newly opened register. Since no one else joins her at the new register, Tina and I move in behind her. At this point, the original line starts flowing like the Niagra Falls. Meanwhile the woman in front of us is having issues. She swipes three different credit cards and they all show declined. She's got about $29 worth of merchandise on the counter. She then starts to pull out various gift cards. With each one, she says to the cashier, "I think I've got five or six dollars on this one, can you check it?" At first, I was really annoyed. Then I thought about it. This woman might have been trying to buy gifts for her kids or grandkids. We almost offered to pay for her stuff. But she was attracting enough attention and we didn't want to embarrass her any further. So, we jumped over to the original line.

Now, after already waiting for twenty minutes, we were back where we started. At this point, the beer from the Greene Turtle was putting a hurting on our kidneys. So, Tina says, "Ken, I really gotta pee."

I remind her that it was her idea to come in here. She responds, "Ok, whatever, Let's just put the stuff down and go. I can pick it up later."

I point out that we've already been waiting in line for a half hour and I'm determined to see this thing through. Then, she hands all of her miscellaneous items to me. And like an idiot I take them from her. I ask, "What are you doing?"

As she starts towards the exit, she says, "I'm going up to Two Rivers to use the bathroom. Meet me in the bar when you're done and I'll have a cold beer waiting for you."

The other people in line react with laughter and high-fives. One guy says, "Your wife has the right idea!" And then another says, "Man, that's cool. I wish my wife was more like that!"

I remind these delusional fools that she just left me stranded in the line at the Dollar General store. There is nothing right or cool about that. If it isn't already bad enough that I'm literally left holding the bag, now I've got to deal with Tina's fan club.

I finally see light at the end of the tunnel as I make it up the cash register. The young cashier laughs as I drop my items onto the counter. She tells me that I'm funny. I have an uncontrollable urge to go into the Joe Pesci "Good Fellas" rant..."You think I'm funny? Funny how? Like a clown? Do I amuse you.....?"
But I just smile and let it go..

I finally make it outside and walk a few stores up to Two Rivers. I stroll in with my Dollar General bag and see Tina sitting at the end of the bar. As soon as she sees me, she starts laughing. I tell her,"I'm really not finding a whole lot of humor in any of this." This only makes her laugh even harder.

Sometimes, it's easier to just shop online........

kw