The Spider Beside Me

Earlier today, my phone rings and I see that it's a call from my sister-in-law (Toni). I answer the phone and before I could even finish saying "Hello", she fills my ear with a barrage of panic. I hear traffic in the background, so I immediately start to think that her car broke down or perhaps even worse, she got into an accident.

I ask her to slow down so I can try to comprehend what she's trying to say. She takes a deep breath and says, "Oh my God, Ken. You're not going to believe this!"

Of course, knowing Toni the way I do, there's not much that I wouldn't believe!

"Ok, settle down. What's going on?" I say, trying to calm her.

"Well, I'm driving down the road and this gigantic spider lands on my windshield. I'm not kidding you, Ken. This thing was huge! So, I turn on my windshield wipers to knock it off my windshield. But the wiper blade hits it and flings it into the air, then it flies right into my passenger side window. I hurried up and pulled into the Dash-in parking lot and jumped out of my car. I can't go back in the car with that huge spider in there."

Trying not to laugh, I ask, "Ok, what do you want me to do?"

"Are you in the area?" she asks.

I tell her that I am.

"Would you mind coming up to the Dash-In and driving my car home?" she asks.

Now, to be quite honest, I'm not that fond of spiders myself. And if this huge thing is lurking somewhere in the upholstery, I'm really not sure if I'm up to the challenge. But knowing that Toni is in a bad spot, I step up to the plate.

I drive up to the Dash-In and see Toni's car parked sideways on the end of the parking lot. It was similar to what a police car might look like if the cops bailed out to chase a bad guy. Anyway, I see Toni talking on the phone when I pulled up. With the concerned look on her face, it appeared that she might be arranging a visit from the SWAT team.

I get out of my car and walk toward her. She says, "Thank you so much, Ken. I really didn't know what to do. But there's no way I can drive that car until we find that spider. It's huge! It's black and it's it's got white spots!"

I'm thinking, "Great! Now, I've got to drive home with a giant panda spider!"

Preparing me for the worst, Toni hands me a rolled up magazine. She tells me to hit the spider with it if it should rear it's ugly head. Now, I was the one who was starting to feel the panic. If this thing was nearly as big as Toni described it, a whack of the magazine might only piss him off. I didn't like the idea of trying to fend this thing off while I'll was doing 50 mph.

So, I broke out the heavy artillery: a full roll of paper towels. I figured the blunt force of the paper towels might buy me enough time to make it to the next red light. If things reached a crisis level, I figured I could bail out of the vehicle and call 911. The "fight or flight" mechanism would surely be put to the test here.

Well, I finally summoned up the courage to enter the vehicle. I was hesitant to fasten the seatbelt. Strapping myself in would only make me easier prey for the panda spider. But as I started to pull out onto the road, I noticed a couple of county police officers directing traffic around some road construction. I would have to drive right past them on my way home. So, not wanting to get a ticket, I reluctantly belted myself in.

As I pulled out onto the road, I constantly scanned the car's interior for any signs of movement. The thought of this thing climbing down the back of my neck and into my shirt was a bit unsettling. I rolled down all of the windows thinking that this might blow the creature into the back of the vehicle. I accelerated, trying to get to point B as quickly as possible.

At a high rate of speed, I took a sharp curve on Fort Smallwood Road. The inertia must have been just enough to dislodge the spider from his hiding place because I did indeed see some movement on the console. Things were about to get real...

Sure enough, there he was. Sitting near the gearshift, he peered up at me through several sets of beady eyes. But instead of this rat-sized spider that I was expecting, with his legs extended, this thing was only about the size of a nickel. Was this really the same spider that Toni saw?

Not taking any chances, I popped him with the roll of paper towels. He shook it off and stared back at me in a defiant way. So, I whacked him again. This time, he rolled over on his side and conceded the battle to me. To be honest, I almost wished that he was a huge spider. At least it would have been somewhat of a challenge. But I wasn't even breathing heavy after this fight.

Of course, when we pull up in the driveway, Toni asked if I saw the spider. I told her that I sure did and that he was currently unconsciousness from my knockout blow. She was extremely thankful for me "saving the day". That's right, today I was Spiderman.....

kw