The Hunt for the Butterfly Net

This morning, Tina asked me to pick her up a few things at Walmart. One of the items happened to be a butterfly net. You see, we have an abundance of frogs around our yard and one of them occasionally winds up in the basement window well. Tina informed me that there is one imprisoned there now. So, it's my duty to break him out. We've exhausted almost all other extraction methods, so a butterfly net seemed like a logical next step.

So, as I pass the Glen Burnie Walmart earlier today, I reluctantly swing into the parking lot. I make my way in through the garden section. The entrance door is broken so I have to squeeze through a hoard of Wal-martians via the exit door.

When I finally get inside, I try to figure out where I can find a butteryfly net. I venture towards the fishing and hunting section. As I walk down an aisle of fishing rods, I see an attractive woman in a short, tight dress examining some fishing gear. To say that she looked out of place would be an understatement. But nonetheless, it made my quest for the butterfly net a little more enjoyable. Walking past her, I fought the urge to ask, "So, what's a nice girl like you doing in place like this?" But I let it go.

I eventually found some nets. But choices were limited to crab nets and minnow/shrimp nets. I guess there's not a lot of butterfly (or frog) hunters in Glen Burnie? So, I take the minnow net and move on. I see that the woman is still browsing in the same area. She has drawn the attention of a couple of Walmart employees who nonchalantly take turns gawking at her.

As I make my way to the other side of the store, I see a guy with a mullet. I know that mullets and Walmarts go hand-in-hand like drunks at Denny's at 2 in the morning. But this was special. The guy had permed it to make it look extra full and curly. He was wearing it loud and proud. It looked like a large rodent clinging to the back of the guy's head. The contrast of his white tank top really made it pop.

I was having a lot of fun, but it was time to hit the checkout line. On my way there. I passed two woman who were arguing pretty heavy. They dropped a few casual F-bombs on each other. The one woman, whom I guess was in her mid-60's,  was there with her teenage granddaughter. But let her age fool you, she more than held her own in the battle of 4-letter words. And just when I thought it was over, the grand-daughter decided to get in on the action. She started to advance on the other woman, unleashing her own satchel of profanities. I heard her say something like, "How 'bout I come over there and bust you in your f*ckin' grill?"

Now, I've been in enough Walmarts to know precisely when things are about to get real. And we were officially at that point. Meanwhile, I'm standing there looking like the old man in the American Gothic painting. But instead of holding a pitchfork, I'm holding a minnow net. I figured it was time get out. I walked past the store manager and told him there was about to be a beat-down in aisle five. He must have been used it because, before I even finished my sentence, he was already bolting in that direction.

I made it home without any further incidents.....

kw