A Visit With The Dentist

I’m probably not unlike a lot of other people when I say that never look forward to a dentist visit. Even if you’re just going in for a routine check-up, you’d probably rather be somewhere else.

Over the years, I’ve had some rather interesting experiences in the dentist’s chair. Even little things, like the preliminary prep work with the dental hygienist can take a wild turn for me. One particular hygienist comes immediately to mind. She was a nice enough lady, but she didn’t seem to realize that she had Herculean strength. When she turned to me with a piece of dental floss, it was like Dirty Harry coming at me with his 44 Magnum. She would work that little piece of floss between my teeth with such force, I thought she was going to split my skull! As she traumatized my upper teeth, I had to hold onto the sides of the chair to keep from being flung towards the ceiling. I was convinced that this woman had meddled with steroids at some point of her life!

Another time, the hygienist hung that suction tube on the side of my mouth. And then she walked out of the room. Not good. A few seconds later, I made the mistake of completely closing my mouth. The next thing I know, I’m fighting not to swallow my lips! I grab the suction tube and try to pull it out. But now it’s stuck to the inside of my left cheek. While I’m struggling with the plastic leech, I accidently knock a tray of dental tools onto the floor. Not wanting to embarrass myself, I yank on the tube with everything I have. (I knew the hygienist would be back any second to check on the commotion. I wanted to appear to be in control). The tube finally came out and, miraculously, I didn’t have to go to the emergency room. I swear, for a second, I thought my head might cave in!

And why is it that dental people like to talk to you while they’ve got sharp instruments in your mouth? I mean, it’s not really like I can contribute to the conversation. They’ll ask me a cordial question like, “What d’ya think about this weather?” The best response I can ever come up with is “Umm,hmmm,mmm,ahhh,mmmm…”

And in the event that I have some real work done (which is way too often!), the worst part for me is the Novocain. Maybe it’s the needles or maybe it’s the actually numbing of face that freaks me out. But I guess it does beat the pain of a dental drill penetrating a sensitive cavity.

When the drilling finally starts, I usually get a little anxious. Even though my gums are filled with Novacaine, I never know when an excrutiating burst of pain might kick in. When this occasionally happens, I’ll cringe and twist in the chair. And the dentist will always ask something like, “Can you feel that?” I would like to respond, “Nah, I didn’t feel anything. I’m just practicing some new dance moves!” But, of course, I can’t say anything because my face is numb! So, the drilling continues....

I’m always relieved when the visit is over. The only bad news is that I’ll be drooling and mumbling like an idiot for the next few hours until the numbness finally wears off. I certainly can’t go into work in this condition. So, I have to go somewhere where I won't look like a complete fool. This is always a perfect time to head over to Walmart...

KW