Waldrobe Malfunction

Every winter I manage to pick up a few pounds. It’s usually not that big of a deal. I always figure I can hit the gym extra hard for a month or two and get back to my normal weight. Well, this year has turned into an extraordinary struggle. I can’t seem to drop any of my winter weight!

As expected, I can’t fit into most of my clothes from last year. So this presents another dilemma: Do I go shopping? Or do I trick myself into believing that I’ll really drop a full waist size by next month? Like most guys, if I’m fortunate to lose a few pounds, I like to hang onto my old wardrobe (just in case I regain any weight). But in my house, Tina will inevitably find these clothes (no matter where I try to hide them) and donate them to a local charity. A few years ago, she gave all of my Dockers away. Realizing that I didn’t have any pants to wear to work, I confronted her about it. She explained that pleated pants were out of style and that I should go out and buy some modern “up-to-date” pants with a flat front.

A flat front? Are you kidding me? I don’t have a flat front, that’s why I buy pleats!

So, here I am, forced to squeeze my expanding ass into a pair of tight, flat-front khakis that offer no extra room in the paunch section. Yes, I might look and feel like a sausage link, but at least I’m in style!

I saw an old friend the other day as I was walking around in my tight pants. He asked, “Have you lost weight?” I told him, “No, I’m just compressed.”

While I was struggling to get dressed the other morning, I ran into yet another problem. Remember the famous line in Jaws where Chief Brody sees the shark for the first time and says, “I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat?” Well, in my case, it’s “I think we’re gonna need a bigger belt!”

Even my shoes are getting tight! How does that happen??

My desparation to drop a few pounds is really starting to show. The other day, a woman from the Red Cross called me. She wanted to know if I would donate blood. The light bulb went off in my head and I instantly asked, “Hey, how much would you say a pint of blood weighs?” The silence on the other end of the phone told me that she thought I was nuts.

Hey I know I should cut back on the late dinners and quit spending so much time with Samuel Adams, but it’s hard. I’m a social person and I have a hard time turning down any invitation. In fact, a good friend just called and invited us over for dinner tonight. Of course, I’m going. But maybe I’ll just have a light dinner and only a couple beers. Yeah, that’s the plan. But let’s see how it works out…..

KW