Brand X

I think it’s safe to say that most people like a bargain, especially in this rocky economy. So, one way to save a buck is to forego the more popular name brand products and purchase the “off brand” products instead. Yes, the off -brand items may bring some ridicule later, but that’s ok. Our primary goal today is to save a buck.

My first experiences with knock-off brands probably occurred during my childhood. My parents were the king and queen of frugality. I remember going to the grocery store with my mom years ago. She would pick up these canned goods that were so off brand, they didn’t even have a brand. I’m serious. They had this simple white label with nondescript bold black lettering.  I think these were known as “generic”. The label would only give you the bare minimum amount of required information, such as Green Beans, Net Weight 12 ozs. And that was pretty much it.  I don’t even think there was any info on where this stuff came from.  If you found a dead mouse in the can, you wouldn’t even know who to sue!

Another casualty of my childhood came in the form of my clothes. While most of the other kids were wearing Wranglers (no, they weren’t just for cowboys back then) and Levi’s, my mom would buy me these pseudo-jeans from Sears called Toughskins. They came in ridiculous colors like green, red and even plaid! As a seven year old, I used to plead, “C’mon Mom, don’t make me wear plaid. We’re not even Scottish!” I can’t remember her exact words, but she would tell me that Toughskins were have the half the price of Levis and lasted twice as long. My parents saved a few bucks and I effortlessly became the class clown…..

I guess the frugality gene was naturally passed onto me and I soon began to buy my own knock-off products. While my friends were eating Snickers bars and Tasty-Cakes, I would huddle up in a corner with a Little Debbie’s artificially flavored peanut butter bar. It didn’t really taste like peanut butter or chocolate, but from a distance it looked vaguely like a 3 Musketeers.

When I was a teenager, I worked a few summers with my dad, who happened to be a carpenter. Well, I decided to show my independence and show up with my own tools. Most guys would have gone to a place like Sears where you can buy a respectable Craftsman tool. Not me, I wanted to save a buck. Why pay twenty bucks for a hammer at Sears when I can get one at K-Mart for a buck ninety-nine? So, the first day on the job, I’m proudly driving sixteen penny nails with my shiny new K-Mart hammer. At some point, the head of the hammer came off and went flying through the air like a piece of shrapnel. It narrowly missed my dad’s head and came to rest in a piece of freshly painted Sheetrock. My dad immediately comes over, rips what’s left of the hammer out of my hand, and says, “Damn boy, you’re gonna kill somebody!  Where did you get this piece of shit?”

I must mention, for all of my dad’s shortcomings on canned goods and meat products, he never skimped on tools. After the runaway hammerhead incident, I never brought generic tool to his job site again....

Most recently, while on my way to the beach, I realized I forgot a couple of things. So, I stopped by a local “dollar store” in some obscure part of Delaware. I should have realized that something was wrong as soon as I walked through the door. The first guy that saw looked like he could have been Billy Bob Thorton’s body double in Slingblade. And another guy had a nervous twitch and looked way too much like the hitchhiker in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I have to admit, I was a little frightened. Anyway, I hurried through the store and made my purchases, one of which was a knock-off brand of mouthwash. After getting to my hotel in Ocean City, I brushed my teeth and rinsed with the mouthwash. I’m not kidding; it felt like I gargled with Novocain! My lips, tongue and throat went practically numb for about an hour! While Tina went out the boardwalk, I rocked back & forth and mumbled in a dark corner of the room. In this condition, I would have fit in perfectly with the cast of characters back at the dollar store. It took about an hour for me to regain the feeling in my mouth parts.

I guess there is some truth in the old cliché, “You get what you pay for”. If you try to save a buck today, you might actually wind up spending two tomorrow (or worse!).

As for me, I’m not taking any chances. From now on, I’m only buying Listerine!

KW