An Impromptu Workout

We’re right in the middle of summer already, and I still haven’t hit the gym with any regularity. Today, however, I did indeed venture back into the land of grunts and perspiration. And somehow, I lived to tell about it……

I spend the day mentally preparing myself for my reunion with the weights and cardio machines. My iPod is fully charged, and I’m ready to go. So, I fire up The Scorpion’s “Lovedrive” album and hit the weight bench. The first few sets are tough. But by the time Klaus Meine kicks into the second chorus of Another Piece of Meat, I’m totally pumped. Maybe a little bit too pumped……

I want all of the gym rats to think that I work out every day, just like them. So, in between sets, I put on my “gym face” and walk through the free weight area like I’m stalking some kind of prey. My chest is pushed out and my arms are protruding like I’m carrying two 5-gallon buckets of paint. With my angry looking “gym eyes”, I quickly scan the rest of the room. A semi-attractive girl on the glut machine seems to be checking me out. I’d like to believe that she’s admiring my guns (that’s biceps for you non-gym people). But the truth of the matter is that my gym face is probably making her uncomfortable. Playing it cool, I roll my neck a couple of times.

I notice the people at the front desk giving a young guy a hard time about wearing a wife-beater (For those who don’t know, a “wife-beater” is the wardrobe of choice for guest stars of Cops). I’m still trying to figure it out the difference between a wife-beater and a regular tank-top. There’s a fine line between the two at my gym.

I also notice a very tan woman heading into one of the tanning rooms. I don’t understand this. First off, it’s the middle of July. You can get tan just by walking to your car. And secondly, the woman is already as dark as a piece of peppered beef jerky (with about the same texture!).

As I finish up with the free weights, I make my way over to the elliptical machines. My Scorpions album is over and I switch gears and tune into a country mix. Miranda Lambert kicks into the beginning of “Gunpowder & Lead” and I’m off and running. The woman next to me is really struggling. I almost hand her my iPod and tell her, “Listen to Miranda. She’ll fire you up!”  

Meanwhile, there’s a guy walking around in a pair of tight black shorts that I truly believe are underwear. He looks a little like George Michael, which makes it that much more disturbing. I guess these are the things you have to deal with at a $10 a month gym.

Anyway, I manage to do 30 minutes on the elliptical at a pretty decent pace. Not bad, considering it’s my first trip back in a while. As I wipe off the massive amount of perspiration that I left on the machine, I can’t help but wonder if sweat can cause rust. My mind never rests......

Moving on to the Life-Cycle, I catch up on some reading while I do another 30 minutes of cardio. By the time I’m done, I’m beginning to feel a bit light-headed. No doubt, I have completely burned off the Slim-Fast shakes that I “ate” for breakfast and lunch. I guess I’m almost ready for that “sensible dinner”?

I make my way to the locker room. I wrap a towel around myself and head into the shower. I’m feeling a sense of accomplishment until I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Oh my God! I look like the Michelin Man’s long lost brother (except I’ve got a better tan). When did this happen?? It’s amazing what six months of inactivity (wait a minute, does partying count as an activity?) can do to a person. It’s like I went through a metamorphosis, but not in a butterfly way.

Hey, I know I’m getting older and I’m never going to be on the cover of Men’s Health. But I’d give a case of Landshark to be thirty pounds lighter and to not jiggle. On that note, maybe I should just give up the Landshark all together.

Yeah, even I have to laugh at that one…………

KW