The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

We've all seen the advertisements for the all-you-can-eat buffets. For $24.95, you can gorge yourself on a smorgasbord of semi-edible food for as long as your cholesterol levels can handle it. It seems like a deal you just can't pass up, huh?

Honestly, I don't care for the all-you-can-eat deals. I would rather slap my twenty-five bucks down on a Victoria's Filet and a Foster's Lager at the local Outback. But let's face it, the buffets don't seem to be hurting for business.

A few years ago, I reluctantly joined some members of my family at a local Cactus Willy's. When I first walked through the front door, one thing was obvious: This sure as hell wasn't a Weight Watcher's meeting! Chunky people were fidgeting in line waiting to pay their admission fee. It was like watching junkies lining up at the methadone clinic!

Anyway, once I finally got inside, I walked past the serving area. I have to tell you, some of the stuff didn't look half bad. Maybe I could actually enjoy it. Plus, once I had a few beers, I'd likely be willing to sample everything from the imitation crab cakes to the mystery meat (which seemed to be giving off a neon glow).

Panic quickly struck in when I realized that this was a dry eatery. If I was going to do this, it would have to be without the liquid courage. So, I asked God to protect me from what I was about to receive, and I made my way towards the food line.

On my approach to the food station, I noticed a bunch of chunky little kids huddled together in front of the fried chicken. I'm not kidding, every kid seemed to have at least one of every chicken part on his plate. It was like each one had his own personal bucket of KFC. Did I mention that they were chunky?

Anyway, the kids must have been siblings, because after gathering up their fifty pounds of chicken, they all went back to the same table. I couldn't help but notice there was an enormous woman who I assume was their mother. The kids piled most of the chicken on a plate in front of the woman. It was stacked up about a foot and a half high. How could one person possibly eat all of this food? I had only seen this type of thing on the Discovery Channel before this. So, out of  morbid curiosity, I almost wanted to pull up a seat and watch. The woman resembled Jabba the Hut as she slowly devoured a drumstick.

While watching all of this unfold, I bumped into another woman with a heaping plate of food. The most peculiar thing here was that this woman was abnormally thin. Yeah, she kind of looked like Olive Oyl from Popeye. The plate of food she was carrying must have weighed nearly as much as she did. If she was better looking, I would have thought she was a model and was ultimately going to purge the contents of her plate. But, like I said, she looked like Shelly Duvall.

I noticed something else while glancing around the dining room. People here didn't care much for vegetables. French fries was about as close as it got. I even overheard one guy with a thick Baltimore accent telling his kids, "Don't wase' yer appetite on dose brockly an' carrits. It'll jes fill ya up. Ya need ta pile yer plate up wit dat meat! Dat way, ya git yer money's worth!" Fatherly advice at it's best.....

I turned my attention back to my plate, which was still empty. I mixed up a large salad, but there was nothing else that really appealed to me. I saw that there was some fried shrimp, so I grabbed a few of those. Then, I went headed back to my seat dreaming about that steak and Fosters at the Outback.

I must mention, that on occasion, there is one all-you-can-eat deal that I like. And that would be the crab deals. Yeah, I know the crabs tend to be small, but that's all right. But here's the thing that irritates me. Right after they bring me a pile hot steamed crabs, they'll dump a half dozen ears of corn and a table full of fried chicken in front of me. I always feel like saying, "WTF! If I wanted all-u-can-eat chicken, I'd go back and join Jabba and her miniature sumo wrestlers back at Cactus Willy's!"

Seriously, how did fried chicken end up in the all-u-can-eat crab deals? It drives me nuts!

When it comes to buffets in general, you can keep them. I don't want to eat myself into total discomfort just to feel like I got my money's worth. However, if one day, someone has the notion to come up with an all-u-can-eat steak and beer deal, I might seriously indulge in that one!

KW