My Answer To Government Studies

It’s never a surprise when we hear stories about how the government wastes money. Sadly, most Americans expect our government to be inefficient. I guess Uncle Sam’s philosophy is: Keep your goals low and you’ll never be disappointed.

Well, today I learned that almost a million of our tax dollars was spent on a federal project called “Alcohol and Bar Violence”. And do you want to know what was discovered from this five year study?  

Drum roll please…….

For the bargain basement price of $918,856, it was found that bar fights tend to occur in venues that are relatively dark, dirty, noisy, hot, and crowded and that are frequented by a clientele of younger, less agreeable, less conscientious, more impulsive heavy drinkers.

The study also discovered that a woman who gets in a bar fight has consumed, on average, four times as many drinks as her usual intake and tends to resemble Tonya Harding. (Ok, I made up the part about the disgruntled iceskater).

Seriously, did it really take a million dollars to tell us that bar fights usually involve heavy drinkers who don’t agree with one another? Uncle Sam should have called me! I have some experience with bars (no comments from the peanut gallery!). I could have told the government the same thing for a fraction of the cost. Hell, I would have given them my findings for a case of Sam Adams Octoberfest!

So, as a public service, I’m going to try to save a few tax dollars for all of you hard working folks. Uncle Sam, please listen up. These are the results of some of the studies I have done over the years:

• Alcohol tends to make people seem much more interesting.
• Yuppies have a short life expectancy in West Baltimore.
• Shopping at Wal-Mart produces an endless supply of Kodak moments.
• Toothpaste sales are traditionally low among redneck households.
• Major League baseball players who hit the most homeruns often have puncture marks on their asses.
• The worst parts of town never have a shortage of places to cash a check or get a lake trout.
• Men who ride mopeds prefer mullets and high top tennis shoes.
• Inner city kids overwhelmingly excel over Amish kids in video game competitions.
• Midgets suck at basketball.
• White trash, no matter how dire the circumstances, always have a few bucks stashed away for a new tattoo.
• When you’re trying to eat a double cheeseburger while driving, you’ll never catch a red light.

Hey, I hope I saved us all a few bucks. So, take your extra cash and feel free to cozy up to a local bar. But try to avoid the dark, dirty, noisy, hot, and crowded ones. They tend to attract those younger, less agreeable, less conscientious, more impulsive heavy drinkers who like to fight!

KW