Birth of a Speed Camera

Is it just me or does there seem to be more work zones around Baltimore than ever before? Of course, the "work" zones always present a convenient excuse to put up new speed cameras. Cha-ching! And even though we are still being fed a load of bullshit about "safety", a recent study has shown that  more than 40% of all speed camera tickets were issued between 6 pm and 6 am (when many work crews are not working)!

In Baltimore City, the speed cameras are contracted through a private contractor (from what I understand it's a subsidiary of Xerox). Roughly half of the $40 of every ticket issued goes to the contractor. Yep, I'm sure everything is on the up-and-up.

I don't know the exact of the origins of the speed camera. But I imagine that it all began something like this........

A group of fat and predominantly useless politicians (let's call them Ken, Wei, Phuckum & Howe) were sitting around in a bar one night. Knocking back an abundance of government subsidized cocktails, they brainstormed about ways to pay for their wasteful spending habits. Wei and Ken bring up an idea about sneaking in a new gasoline tax. But Phuckum and Howe quickly shoot it down knowing that any new tax increase won't go over well with the working class.

At some point, a light bulb goes off in Phuckum's head and he explains, "Hey guys, I've got it! In China, they have cameras all over the place. Why can't we do the same thing here? We can start with traffic lights and then aggressively move them onto the highways. We will install these things before the public even realizes what hit 'em! And as a bonus, we throw the post office some much needed business as they'll be delivering an endless number of tickets!"

A concerned Wei replies,"Do you really think the public is that stupid?"

"Of course, they are!" replies Phuckem.

Howe chimes in, "Hey wait a minute. Wei brings up a good point. And I've got a solution. When the bitching starts after we rob Joe Q. Citizen of 40 bucks, we can simply explain that the new camera campaign is in the best interest of public safety. How can they possibly argue with that?"

Wei thinks for a moment and says, "I don't know. Are these things even constitutional?"

"Wei, you're really starting to piss me off! Who cares if they're legal or not? We're talking about a serious cash cow here." explains a visibly annoyed Phuckem.

Ken starts to see the light and says, "I think I get what Howe is talking about. It's kind of like when we tell the people that we'll have to close down fire houses and lay off police officers if we don't raise taxes."

"Exactly, Ken!" says Howe. "It's also like when we tell them that it's for the children. On that note, let's string some speed cameras up near schools! Let's prove that Baltimore City schools are indeed useful! It's all about the kiddies, remember? Hey, I know it's a bunch of horseshit, but when did we ever care about what the people think?"

"Ok, good point. But don't you think that these things will cause massive traffic tie-ups as people hit the brakes to avoid getting a ticket?" asked a concerned Wei.

Phuckem, who is really losing his patience, explains, "Of course, there will be unnecessary traffic jams. But what the f*ck do we care? We all have personal drivers! It's their problem, not ours! You need to look at this in terms of dollars, my friend.."

Wei finally gives in and reluctantly jumps on board as he says, "I'm with you guys. I think I know how we can expand the idea. We can set cameras up and stage work zones months before any actual work begins. And then we'll leave them up long after the work is completed. Let's bleed the people for all that we can! Phuckem, you're a genius!"

Phuckum puts the final touches on the idea by announcing that his brother-in-law owns a business that supplies and manages the very type of camera that will be needed to implement the plan. Ken, Wei, Phuckem and Howe shake hands and the red light/speed camera is born..........

Maybe it's not exactly the way it went down. But I'm probably not that far off........

kw