Where The Wild Things Roam

Shortly after moving into our new house a couple of years ago, I was standing in the kitchen one morning preparing a cup of coffee. From the back yard, something caught my attention through the nearby bay window. It turned out to be a large male deer. I took a sip of my coffee and proceeded to watch the impressive animal casually make his way through. As time passed, I would sometimes see families of young deer doing the same thing. It's actually quite soothing to watch these creatures.....

However, there are some other creatures that stir up completely different emotions.......

For instance, we have no shortage of moles and voles that have pretty much destroyed my back lawn. I'm told that the moles actually burrow underground to hunt down earthworms. If these bastards would ever agree to discuss the matter with me, I'm sure we could work out some kind of deal. Maybe if they agreed to stop demolishing my grass, I'd offer to occasionally bring them home some Nightcrawler carry-out from the local bait shop. If we can't work out a deal soon, I'm liable to go "Caddyshack" on them.

There is also at least one large snake that has claimed squatter's rights to my property. First off, I do not like snakes. There's just something very creepy about a armless/legless animal that can move faster than I can. We first encountered this creature when we opened up our pool a couple of months ago. Slithering near the edge of the pool, the snake rose up like a cobra when I approached him. It was like he was saying, "This is my turf, big boy. So, stand back!" Anyway, I had one of the pool guys throw him into the woods at the back of my yard. Shortly after they left, I was winding up the garden hose near the back porch. I look down and this son of a bitch is within striking distance of my bare ankle. So, in an effort to stand my ground and show the snake who was boss, I blasted his ass with a jetstream of water. I'm not kidding you, the snake actually looked at my as if to say, "You dick!". I didn't know whether to laugh of drop the hose and haul ass. Luckily for me, the snake decided to sliver through the lattice and under the back porch.

Well, a little while later, Tina comes home. I tell her about my adventure with the snake. To paint a more masculine picture of myself, I tell her about how I handled the the serpent with the confidence of an Indian snake charmer. I think I took it a little too far when I tried to tell her that folded the snake up like a sourdough pretzel. Anyway, she asks the inevitable question, "So, where is it now?" I tell her that it's "hiding from me" under the porch.

"Come on, Ken. You can't leave that thing under there. You gotta get him out", she says.

Confused, I reply, "Get him out? How am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know. Maybe you should crawl under there and hunt him down", she instructs me.

"Hunt him down? Do I look like the f*ckin' Crocodile Hunter to you?!", I responded.

She just shook her head and walked away. Hey look, here's the deal. If the snake aggressively makes a move on either of us, I will do what I have to do. However, I'm not going to go looking for trouble. So, as a result, the snake is now a permanent resident. I'm actually considering writing him off as a dependent on my tax forms next year. (Note to the IRS: That was a joke!)

Speaking of residents, here's a good one for you. Recently, while getting ready to fire up my gas grill, I noticed something moving beneath the cast iron grates. It turned out to be a field mouse. As I tried to shoo him away, he boldly stood up on one of the grates and stared me down. I'm not kidding you, it was like he had his little mouse hands up and was saying, "Bring it on, asshole!" What is it with the attitude on these animals? At my old house, the wild animals would just scurry away. But here, everything turns into a confrontation.....

So, if this wasn't bad enough to deal with, we soon discover that the mouse has made a nest in the drip pan that sets below the burners. And lucky for me, the nest is loaded with several belligerent baby mice. Of course, Tina sees this and tells me that I have to leave them be. Come on, I've got steaks to cook! I offer to find these intrusive bastards a new home, but it's still  not good enough. You're going to love this.....In an effort to stop the eviction process, Tina then tells me that I'm going to have to buy a new grill! And people wonder why I drink...

One Saturday night, several weeks ago, I'm lying in bed watching some late night TV. My sister-in-law, who lives around the corner, sends me a text that says, "Hey Ken, what's that strange animal noise coming from your back yard?"

Reluctantly, I pull up the bedroom window to investigate. I immediately hear a loud, screeching sound coming from the darkness beyond the backyard trees. I couldn't tell whether it was a distress call or mating call. But nonetheless, it was a sound that I have never heard before.

After a few text exchanges, my sister-in-law started to pressure me into going out back and checking it out. First off, if I march through the back yard in the yard, there's always the possibility of my old friend, the snake, showing back up. And secondly, I have no idea what else is lurking in the shadows. Sometimes at night, I'll shine a flashlight out in the back yard. This will occasionally light up the reflective eyeballs of some unknown creature. Maybe it's just a rabbit, but for all I know, it could be Sasquatch. I just don't want to take that chance. So, I just let the crazy animal noise fade away. I'm guessing that it was either a possum or a raccoon.

Speaking of raccoons......

Something has been getting into my outdoor trashcan. This particular trashcan has a hinged lid so it takes a little effort to lift it. But surprisingly, when I lift it sometimes, the trashbag inside is shredded, giving evidence that a trash picking predator has been there. I'm told that raccoons have long fingers, almost humanlike, and would be the most likely culprit. It's probably inevitable that one day, I'll catch him in the act. At that time, I'm sure like all of the other animals around here, he'll give me an attitude and it will resort to some type of square-off in the back yard. The weird thing is that I've always thought raccoons were kind of cool. But if it comes down to it, I won't hesitate to whoop one's ass.

The other night, I went out to retrieve the mail. I guess all of the animal surprises have taken their toll on me. As I opened up the mailbox, I peered in carefully, I halfway expected something to leap out at me. I felt like one of those hillbillys who reach into swampy tree trunks to retrieve a catfish. So, attempting to get the mail as quickly as possibly, I jabbed my arm inside and nervously clenched whatever I could with my anxious fingers. My neighbors probably think I'm crazy, but they just don't understand...

All of this reminds me of the old show "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom". I don;t know much about Omaha, but I can surely tell you, there's certainly a wild kingdom in at least one back yard in Pasadena......

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