Scenes From a Chinese Restaurant

I stopped off at a local mall for lunch today. As I made my way through the food court, I was confronted by one of those guys who gives out the free samples. From the way he jumped out in front of me, I thought that I might be the latest victim of the Knockout Game. The guy nearly pokes me in the eye with a chicken-laced toothpick. As he holds the toothpick out like a battle sword, he says, "You like bourbon? You try piece of bourbon chicken!"

Trying to calm the guy down, I say, "Whoa, relax brother. You had me at bourbon."

I accept the sample and pop it into my mouth. It was actually pretty good. Before I could gather my thoughts, the guy comes right back at me with, "You like? Bourbon chicken!" Bourbon really seems to be an integral part of this guy's vocabulary. He then gestures towards the main booth. Intimidated by his arsenal of toothpicks, I take my place in line and order a full plate. I ask the server what kind of bourbon they used but this only brings a confused stare. Hey, I thought it was a legitimate question.

I've always been quite fond of Chinese cuisine. Although I have no idea who General Tso is, I think that his chicken is pretty bad ass. The best versions have a fair amount of kick but won't blister your palate. Speaking of which, I can remember a time in Chicago many years ago. I was eating lunch with a few of my workmates at a local Chinese restaurant. Well, I found one of those long, thin amber peppers on my plate of General Tso's. Being young and naive, I picked it up and bit into it. The juice of the pepper exploded into the back of my throat as my eyes nearly popped out of my skull. My first reaction was to grab for my glass of water. But the water had no effect on the heat which now had engulfed my entire mouth as well as the better part of my esophagus. I was in a bad spot! I instinctively popped a couple of fortune cookies into the inferno. It helped a little bit but I still had to suffer through the pain for another hour or so. Things eventually settled down. However, the next day brought another heated exchange if you know what I mean.

There was a place in my old neighborhood where my parents used to order Chinese (or as my mother says "Chinee") food. I believe the name of the place was the China Garden. Anyway, I always thought the food was really good, especially their shrimp fried rice. Well, one day, I see the cook outside smoking a cigarette. At one point, he blows his nose using the ol' Kentucky handkerchief method. He then uses his hand to wipe the excess snot off of his face. And right on cue, he heads back into the kitchen without washing his hands! Hey bud, could I get a little extra MSG on that next batch of shrimp fried rice??

There was another place were Tina & I used to order take-out when we lived in Glen Burnie. The China Palace, maybe? The place was so tiny that I had no idea where they actually cooked the food. Waiting in line to pay for my order, I always caught myself trying to peer into the back room to see how they were doing it. The place was like an optical illusion. All I know is that the food was great and I never seen anyone there ever use a Kentucky handkerchief!

Although it's a Chinese custom, I've always been a bit confused with the whole fortune cookie thing. Most of my fortunes have said stuff like "You have a magnetic personality", "Your smile moves mountains" "You have the brains of an Einstein", "Jennifer Aniston wants you", etc...Ok, I made some of those up. But the point is that these aren't fortunes. They're more like an attempt to stroke me after I just spent $25 on a carry out order. It's more like a happy ending than a fortune! Ok, I'm done.....

kw