Reporting On The Baltimore Snow

I'm sitting here in amazement as I watch the local news reporters giving us the various "breaking news" stories on last night's snowfall. Is this really news? Unless you've spent most of your life on the planet Mercury, you've likely experienced the cold, white stuff at some stage of your life.

As he reported live from a Baltimore street, one reporter gave instructions on how to shovel snow. Is this something that really requires a training class? If you have mastered the challenge of tying your shoes, you can probably figure out how to use a snow shovel.

I love it when the reporter walks up and down the street picking up handfuls of snow. He throws the snow into the air like he's performing a David Copperfield illusion. I almost expect a dove to appear.

"Look at this folks. It's cold and powdery. Can you see this? When I toss it up into the air, it's....well, still cold and powdery. Can we get a close up? Look at this stuff, it's simply amazing!"

As the reporter walks away to pick up another batch of snow, the camera practically trips over him. It's like they're panning for gold.

And at some point, you'll see an impromptu field interview with a government official. You'll hear them say things like, "Road crews are working hard to remove the snow. If you don't have to be out on the roads, please stay home. Let the professionals do their jobs. Blah, blah, blah....." Yeah, we we know the routine. Of course, if our illustrious Governor happens to get some air time, he'll have his tie loosened and sleeves rolled up to give the impression that he's actually out there doing something.

I heard one well-known anchorman this morning refer to the slushy snow as having the consistency of crude oil. I guess it's a pretty decent analogy if we happened to have any experience with crude oil. He mentioned it over and over again. Alright, we get it. It's like f*cking crude oil! Can we move on?

I saw another reporter commenting on a snow plow as it made it's way down the street. He made it sound like we were getting ready for the Snoopy float at the Rose Bowl Parade....

"Look at the angle of the large yellow plow. It's a thing of beauty, isn't it? The driver of this particular truck, Joe, grew up in nearby Dundalk. If we get a chance, we'll try to get an exclusive interview with him later. (The reporter gives Joe a thumbs-up as he and his "thing of beauty" pass by). Great job, Joe! Ok, back to you Don & Marty...."

Of course, there's also those other "exclusive interviews" with those one-of-a-kind people around Baltimore......

"Excuse me, sir. Can we ask what brings you out to the Royal Farms store today?", asks the inquisitive reporter as he stumbles over several snow moguls to get to the guy.

The unsuspecting schmuck will then respond with something like, "I'm just out here to pick up my cigarettes and a lottery ticket. You mind if I give a shout-out to my wife, Trixie? She's home getting ready for The Maury Povich Show. Hi, hon! Look, I'm on the news!"

Of course, while this moron is soaking up his fifteen seconds of fame, another one will be in the background waving to the camera and doing jumping jacks.

Alright, that's enough for now. I've got to head out to clear the snow off of my car. God help me if someone shoves a microphone in my face.....

kw