Breaking Loose

When I was a kid, opening Christmas gifts was relatively simple. I would effortlessly rip through the thin wrapping paper to expose the gift behind it. On a bad day, this would still only take about five seconds. Once the Christmas wrap was off, I was pretty much home free. The only thing left to do was to open the box that held my momentary bliss.

Today, things have gotten much more complicated. Toys are shrink-wrapped tighter than Joan Rivers' face. And then once you get the shrink wrap off, the toy is often secured with various tie wraps, staples and spot welds. And, of course, most five-year-olds aren't capable of freeing Barbie from captivity. So, they look for the nearest adult to help them out.

A couple of years ago, my niece ran into this exact situation. So, she asks me if I can get her doll out of the package. After about ten minutes of struggling with it, I had to break out my surgeon's tools: a pair of scissors and a steak knife. I proceed to spend the next twenty minutes clipping and sawing at the various straps and tie-wraps. Sadly, in the process, Barbie got an unwanted haircut and a couple of nice lacerations. The situation wouldn't have been quite so bad if someone had the hindsight to pick up the Barbie Emergency Room!

Anyway, I finally freed Barbie and handed her to my niece. I'm hoping that she doesn't notice my mishaps. But, kids don't miss anything. She stares at the doll for a minute, then asks me, "What happened to her hair?"

Of course, I try to play it down by saying, "Don't worry, it will grow back."

Then, when I think it can't get any worse, she says, "Oh, my God! Her arms and legs are cut!" Then, she drops Injured Barbie and goes running off into the next room. The poor kid was traumatized and I felt like a total loser. As a result, she now thinks that I'm Charles Manson. Yeah, I'm at real hit at the kid's birthday parties these days.

And it's not just the kid's stuff. Have you ever tried to open a CD lately? Let me just say, it ain't easy. Last year, I picked up the latest Kelly Clarkson CD. Like anyone else, I was eager to pop it into my car's CD player and fire up "My Life Would Suck Without You". But not so fast! I nearly lost an eye while trying to get it out of the cellophane wrapper. I recklessly poked and pulled on the wrap with my car key until I finally broke the cellophane. But just when I thought I was home free, I then had to deal with that thin sticker that runs along the top of the CD case (Can someone please explain to me what the purpose of this sticker is?). So, I pluck at the sticker with my thumbnail like a madman. Right before my thumb totally cramps up, I finally free the CD from it's jewel case. God Almighty, freed at last!

This Christmas, don't be surprised if you encounter similar situations. If I can offer any kind of advice, I would say just be very careful with the sharp objects. A trip to the ER always puts a damper on the Christmas spirit.


KW