The Joys of Christmas Shopping

I've never been a big fan of Christmas shopping. For one, I never know what to get anyone. As December 25th approaches, I always feel the increasing pressure to get that special gift. And, if that's not bad enough, I never know how much to spend. If I spend too much, it makes the recipient feel bad and if I spend too little I feel like a cheapskate.

And buying for children is always tough for me. If I get the kid a sweater, he tosses it aside, gives me a dirty look and says, "Awww, I didn't want clothes!" It's like I stole the kid's cell phone or something. And if I buy him a pellet gun, the parents get mad at me. I can't win. So, as undramatic as it might be, all the kids in my family get cash.

And every family has that one person who either has everything or doesn't want anything. In my family, that honor falls to my Dad. I gave up on buying traditional Christmas gifts for him years ago. I knew whatever I bought him was eventually going to be returned. And it was usually me that had to return it. So, as a bonus, not only did I get to stand in line to purchase the gift, I also got to stand in a return line. So, now I just give him a gift card and we're both happy.

Of course, shopping usually involves going to the crowded mall. Hey, under normal circumstances, I enjoy being around people. I really am a social person. But when other human beings impede my ability to get from point A to point B, I get a little irritated. You see, having long legs, I walk at a pretty decent pace. So, it really bothers me to be strolling along only to have to slam on the brakes to avoid trampling over a group of senior citizen mall walkers. 

The seniors are one thing, but why do teenagers have to walk toward me and take up the entire walkway? Do I look like a ninja who can just conveniently flip over them?

Another thing that bothers me are those vendors that set up in the middle of the mall. I'm not really sure what kind of first impression I make. But do I really look like someone who wants his cuticles polished?

And what's up with the Hickory Farms carts that are always set up this time of year? I'm sorry, but I can't think of anyone who would look forward to unwrapping a summer sausage on Christmas morning. Ok, that didn't quite sound right.....

Anyhow.......after dealing with the volatile mall crowd, the last thing I feel like doing is standing in a long checkout line. So, I'll usually try to come up with an alternate plan. For instance, let's say I'm at Sears. I'll roll my shopping cart through the crowded store and into the auto department. When I start to unload the contents of my cart (none of which has anything  to do with a car), the auto guy will tell me that I can't pay for my stuff there. Appearing annoyed, I let out an extended sigh and tell him that "Joe" from electronics sent me over here because he had a problem with his credit card reader. The auto guy mumbles something mean about poor "Joe" but he reluctantly starts scanning my various non-automotive items. Of course, I sometimes have to deal with some bitching from people behind who came to get an oil change.But I'll just shrug my shoulders and say, "Hey, it's not my fault. Joe sent me over here. Take it up with him!"

It's a dog eat dog world out there, folks. You gotta be one step ahead of them. Be careful and happy shopping!

KW