Dropping By Walmart

With everything going on with my recent move, I needed to pick up a few items over the weekend. So yet again, I tempted fate and stopped off at Walmart. I know I've told several Walmart stories before, but you have to admit, this stuff never gets old.

My latest adventure begins out on the parking lot. As I turn into one of the parking aisles, the car in front of me slams on his brakes when he sees the brake lights illuminate from a parked car. Of course, there's a million other parking spaces, but the moron in front of me is adamant that he's going to wait for this particular one. I would have went around the guy, but he was right in the middle of the aisle where no one could get past him. And I would have backed up, but another bozo was directly behind me fumbling with his text messages. So there we sat for what seemed like an eternity. When it was obvious that the parked car wasn't going anywhere, the knucklehead in front of me finally gave up and pulled into a vacant spot about twenty feet away. Why didn't he do this in the first place??

When I eventually get into the store, I grab a shopping cart. I took about two steps and noticed that someone left a half eaten hotdog in the cart. I couldn't have this thing distracting me from the illustrious array of Walmart shoppers. So, I left it near the greeter and grabbed another cart. Although there was no food in this one, it did have a bad wheel. When I pushed it, it made this irritating "clumpity, clump, clump" banging noise. I couldn't deal with this. So, I left this one near the greeter as well. He gave me a funny look as I went out to retrieve cart number three. For some unknown reason, I felt the urge to moonwalk over to the new cart (but I didn't).

Once I finally got rolling into the store, the first thing I see is an obese woman wearing these tight pink sweatpants with the word "Guess" embroidered across the ass. I was thinking about 275. But, of course, that was just my guess. I hate to be cruel but this woman's ass had more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' English Muffin! It's anyone's "guess" why she would want to draw attention to that particular part of her body.

As I moved on, I saw a parent pushing what I assumed was his kid in a a shopping cart. The funny thing is that the kid looked like he could have been old enough to legally buy beer. I tell you, Walmart is very much like entering the Twilight Zone.

As I stroll past the electronics section, I overhear two knit-wits arguing over who's the biggest bad-ass: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson or Vin Diesel. I wanted to sneak into the adjacent aisle and yell, "Clint Eastwood would kick both of their candy asses!"

When I finally make my way towards the checkout line, a woman who resembled Weasie Jefferson nearly knocked me over. Her time was clearly more important than mine. I bit my tongue and waited patiently as she paid for her Doritos and other nutritious goods  with a government subsidized credit card. I felt that she should have at least offered to buy me a Milky Way considering it was my tax dollars paying for her non-essential merchandise.

I eventually pay for my items and head back out to the parking lot. To my delight, I see Weasie Jefferson getting into a late model BMW. Isn't this the same woman who just used a welfare card to pay for a cart load of junk food?

I will never try to understand the people of Walmart. But, if nothing else, they make a good story....

kw